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Mitchell Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 29, 2005) was an American known for his odd subject matter, stylistic elocution and memorable routines that often consisted of a string of one-line non sequiturs. He died at the age of 37 from multiple drug toxicity. Hedberg was born in Saint Paul, Minnesota. He was the son of Swedish immigrants Arne and Mary Hedberg, and was married to Canadian comedian Lynn Shawcroft on February 25th, 1999. He graduated from Harding High… read more

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  • Next time my boat capsizes I am reaching for a Lime!
  • I'm gonna go shave, too.
  • “I saw a lady with a flower, she was plucking out the petals. She was saying, “He loves me, he loves me not”. Thank God the flower can’t talk, what would it say? “Fuck, that hurts! Fuck, that hurts as well. Fuck! Leave me alone! I’m no longer pretty. And he loves you not. I could have told you I had an even number of petals.”
  • Saved by the buoyancy of citrus
  • Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it!
  • Every time I see a broken escalator I think of him and get rather happy then rather sad.
  • That'd be funny if you were a drummer, and you grabbed two magical wands instead of drumsticks. Be pounding out the beat "1-2-3-4 Oh shit, my bass player's now a can of soup... Sorry Rick, I mean Cream of Mushroom!
  • Music tagged “a guy who likes to boat”
  • I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut... I don't need a receipt for the donut! I give you money and you give me the donut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this! I can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut. Some skeptical friend? "Don't even act like I didn't get that donut, I've got the documentation right here!"
  • An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an ''Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order'' sign, just ''Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the CONVENIENCE!”

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