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  • Avatar for cookedbacon
    the realest
  • Avatar for NinjaTravisLee
    Next time my boat capsizes I am reaching for a Lime!
  • Avatar for ihavesoldout
    I'm gonna go shave, too.
  • Avatar for ralfsu
    “I saw a lady with a flower, she was plucking out the petals. She was saying, “He loves me, he loves me not”. Thank God the flower can’t talk, what would it say? “Fuck, that hurts! Fuck, that hurts as well. Fuck! Leave me alone! I’m no longer pretty. And he loves you not. I could have told you I had an even number of petals.”
  • Avatar for Kesokuk
    Saved by the buoyancy of citrus
  • Avatar for MohabSelim2
    Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it!
  • Avatar for mecbirdhouse
    Every time I see a broken escalator I think of him and get rather happy then rather sad.
  • Avatar for MohabSelim2
    That'd be funny if you were a drummer, and you grabbed two magical wands instead of drumsticks. Be pounding out the beat "1-2-3-4 Oh shit, my bass player's now a can of soup... Sorry Rick, I mean Cream of Mushroom!
  • Avatar for ihavesoldout
    Music tagged “a guy who likes to boat”
  • Avatar for ralfsu
    I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut... I don't need a receipt for the donut! I give you money and you give me the donut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this! I can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut. Some skeptical friend? "Don't even act like I didn't get that donut, I've got the documentation right here!"
  • Avatar for ralfsu
    An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an ''Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order'' sign, just ''Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the CONVENIENCE!”
  • Avatar for SLFV
    We've gotta keep kids off the canal
  • Avatar for lagginswag
    Pancakes; all exciting at first, but by the end you’re fucking sick of ‘em
  • Avatar for dabigcheeze
    I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait!"
  • Avatar for Ahoy_hoy
    Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
  • Avatar for leoislostatsea
    I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut, man. I'll just give you the money and then you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut.
  • Avatar for BobRozga
    absolute legend
  • Avatar for TheVileViolater
    I used to do drugs. I still do drugs, but I used to too.
  • Avatar for joemcmaster
    lol stoner humor
  • Avatar for azrider450
    Oh man, he was really funny.
  • Avatar for mattdh12
    give us a call at 1-800-I-LOVE-BRAND-NEW-CARPET
  • Avatar for Anderstotten
    sorry for the convenience*
  • Avatar for MonaLisaEscapes
    Escalators can never break. They can only become stairs. You will never see a sign that says "Escalators now stairs. Sorry for the inconvenience." <3
  • Avatar for bad_machiine
    @ShaneSpear: I dont think so, i like listening to Mitch.
  • Avatar for ShaneSpear
    Mitch All Together is the Abbey Road of comedy albums.
  • Avatar for promisedeyes
  • Avatar for OCD4CDz
    I love his flow of jokes, his delivery was as funny as the material most the time
  • Avatar for promisedeyes
    In all seriously, he was one of the greatest comedians in history.
  • Avatar for dabigcheeze
    "I was in a convenience store reading a magazine and the clerk came up to me and said "This is not a library". so I said, "Alright, I will talk louder then!""
  • Avatar for promisedeyes
  • Avatar for LiveAusBerlin26
    Batteries make shit seem substantial. If you take the batteries out of a radio its like "This thing is a piece of shit actually." Then you put the batteries back in its like OH YEAA
  • Avatar for Josh_adio
    Love you Mitch <3
  • Avatar for shaolin86
    Who the fuck makes their plants hard to reach??
  • Avatar for Shawnanderson84
    Will always be missed! Long live Hedberg!
  • Avatar for ihavesoldout
    thanks snake-haired bitch
  • Avatar for ihavesoldout
    You got any directions for those who are walking?
  • Avatar for KingCaustic
    Happy birthday, Mitch. RIP
  • Avatar for AnEvilSock
    what the fuck is a SESAME
  • Avatar for wizfrikiman
    This is dry-clean only. IT'S DIRTY.
  • Avatar for crescentfresh
    WHY MITCH?! I loved you so! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE ON MY BIRTHDAY?! Worst. Gift. Ever. :(
  • Avatar for branchong
    Miss him so so so much.
  • Avatar for tckma
    "I want to get a map of the world on my wall and put pins in it to show where I've been. But first I need to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it doesn't fall down."
  • Avatar for hellointerloper
    This payment must be made in WAMPUM!
  • Avatar for PattyIsMyHero
    A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
  • Avatar for Osirislives
    why the fuck did he have to die
  • Avatar for earhorn89
  • Avatar for sumguynamedmark
    You can write that down and put a dash in front of it, and put my name at the bottom. Because all I want to be is dashed. - Mitch Hedberg.
  • Avatar for Danellle
    Saved my cubicle-shriveled soul!
  • Avatar for Larryelle
    Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana at? :) Legend.
  • Avatar for ihavesoldout
    snake eyes


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