Who am I becoming. Who have I become

I'm finding true affinity in flat surfaces and condensation and genuine nothingness I miss my mom and I dont feel comfortable around anybody.im becoming great at eating my tears and sleeping through caffeine and they're really the same thing. It's all willpower and lawn mowers and expulsion and muffling

I'm drinking a vita malt. Comforted because I'm tasting blood again. When they tested me for anemia I was still with genuine petrification but the color of my blood truly fascinated me. If anyone wants to know why it was because I was so intrigued by the beverage container at Chipotle maybe a week before. I'm writing this while teetering on something invisble. But the evidence is in what I wrote. This was before I got my blood sucked out of me by the lady who I really bonded with in that moment. But when I looked at it It turned out to be the same color of the Chipotle juice. Something in what I'm saying here makes me want to cry. Something in everything recently makes me want to cry. I suppose there's something I kept thinking I hated color. Then I was talking about purple. Then the purple juice. Then my blood. Now everything is mulberry and it makes me feel just as squashed as I truly am.

my life was kickstarted and now its almost hard not to be sad.

am i going to reexpierience loneliness? i dont know but i feel like it'll take me weeks to readjust. I hope this doesnt last long.

I just need to be flushed in darkness right now. Need to reflect on it all. Had really really good days and Really good moments. Especially with this boy. I gope he comes back to me soon. If I love him, let me, please. Had realy bad days and bad moments all of which were so teaching. Had a thought earlier that I am the way I am because most of how I act and think and behave was developed in isolation. I never had any real parenting except for the correction that wasn't there. And it wasnt bad. It's the same thing I still long for and I think because I grew up in it, my body craves what it was so used to. It was so good until it ended. Whether it be for a quick moment or long one. And of course, it wasn't sustainable because I was like nine years old. I still wish to be in that place right now. Think on some level I still am.

hate that you would ever make me learn what attachment feels like this way. bever have i ever let myself cling to anything or anyone like i have with you in these few short fuckign days and i hat you for leaving.

Guy thats been talking to me just found out how Old I am. Guy's like 24. I knew we were inching that way. People never want to talk to you unless they fucking like you. Ugh. Telling me he wanted to see ID. Lmfao. Like he's funny and he said he told his supervisor that the girl at the cafe is cute. He said i said it nonchalantly he needs to see my mom. All of this.

done. tired of people making me tear up. tired of having to hold it together because of other people's tears. i still dont know what to think. but dude, if you didnt like me absolutely Why would you do all of this? It just sucks because it takes me forever to like people. and then it finally happens and you tell me its fake? or you dont feel the same? or what. I dont really know. I understand taking time. Man I do. But to leave because of the real truth of tje matter and start with yellow end with purple dude. Ouch.

down to forks Washington indeed. its okay.

you need to feel seen more because you glow. goodbye.

Honestly dude, Im falling the fuck apart.

sorry im a lot more apathetic and cold and dry than you are. thank you for loving me anwyays

☹️☹️ my babt

want to consume your pain so badly im already feeling a light fist twisting a hole in my chest. this time its not silly at all.

song will sound so nice when im experiencing winter's emptiness. this time with a real angel as white as the snow. yes, frozen condensation and precipitation, mirror him. id like to see him everywhere. let it blind me like it always does. let solitude freeze me up, let companionship comfort me. may my writing never end.

winter will come back, and ill bring back hood. told him my veins didn't exist, that seclusion softens me. i want to hold that pit, i feel it growing and spinning, it's heat seeping off in walls.

sorry, idk what ti do. I truly do feel like I want to start living for you.

i was watching the water move in the canal before during and after the rain. healing. so so so healing. then this leaf cpuple swam by and they were just sd content as i was. this is how i pour my own contents out and watch it float away. i resonate with the things i see so much maybe i think everytbing is just a mirror. me and uncle had a thing with mirrors in about seventh grade. i think i was writing about a memory i had there. a nice peaceful routine and i dont rly have much of those anymore. i think i lived with him for a year or so. those are some of the fondest rememberings i have. i used to sit in front of the tv and cry to eyedress with my headphones on. and then id play valorant until 5 in the morning. then we'd all play gauntlet until maybe three. that was when i had my first crush. girl named Bella. she had bangs and a button nose. she told me her password to help her do her math homework once. it is the same password i use for everytbing now. not rly a joke at all.

now more memories are arising. when i was really young like maybe in third or fourth grade i was in this program. not sure the actual age at all. had a little friend in college because of it. i lived right near the campus. one day we were in her dorm playing just dance. then her roommate came in and we were playing ffa in nuketown. now that i realize it. ive always been a little quiet. didnt even give them the impression I played that game. but i fondly remember tearing her up. lol. funny im remembering this. Actions Reply 0votes More actions misexistence Your avatar36 seconds ago the other day i was talking to my aunt about my mom. she said the day Annie came out in theaters my dad didnt come because he was playing resident evil with my mom. my mom and my brother used to play cod zombies. she was really hardcore before she actually had to start trying

think ive been bring odd manifestation vampire activity into my life. first it was the rubbing garlic on my spider bite. then it was the extreme apathy i felt while looking in the mirror. none of this may be related to someone else. i am just a measly silly thing after all. but then i was biting his thumb. he wanted me to. i am filled with nothing. i am like a beverage dispenser of dark blueberry juice with real fresh contents in it. almost dripping with lovely condensation and beauty to someone looking to drink. i think sometimes i am always seen by parched people. and yet i pour only water. not lukewarm. cold, like expected, but still water. that is what i am. i love it.

the aboslute abominable fatigue i feel right now/

have touched this jokeful about me tee ass exploitative essay in a moment. im actually excited though. the hormones just have to be on point for this one.

21 days. Will i die or be reborn again?

no way im sitting here budgeting with you like we're roomates or something even more dangerous. a couple

hormones are actually quite real lol sometimes I think im looking at myself through a microscope and im just like not blinking

genuinely freaking out over my new twilight shirt thats a thousand percent from the year 2009. Actions Reply 0votes More actions Replies misexistence Your avataran hour ago and im painting my nails the color stay & night by opi. listening to rosyln. Actions Reply 0votes More actions Replies misexistence Your avatar36 minutes ago this puts me in such a state

dont really like routines but its nice to notice when ive developed some on accident Actions Reply 0votes More actions Replies misexistence Your avatar12 minutes ago many of them are here in this very place. ive probably listened to this song at 10:40 at night a hundred times.think im actually a little fond of patterns.

hate myself and the world and my life and everyone and everything around me at the moment

I want to cryyyyy i want to cry.

hopeless idiotic piner

It is crazy that the only escape of passivity for some people is reposting on their Instagram story i shall never get by this

Writing here because I'm feeling Hella autistic today. In my head too much again. Thinking about everyone's lack of awareness and if I Am even a Good person or not.

Sorry, no, I'm not available for love while I'm at work :/// I take this kill all tenderness thing very seriously here :(( Okay? Sorryyy☹️☹️

What would the buddha say about compliments I wonder

why do i feel like im not getting the people who are good for me

Wanted to track my purchases on here for some reason. Most recently: bought new headphones. My current ones are broken and im staying loyal because I'm not that adventurous and I didnt really want to get sony ones. I dont get why people dont want to hear the world around them as much as they do. On sale: 80 dollars. Don't want to be that person that says bucks lol. Then I bought a new perfume. Had the sample. Smells absolutely amazing. Perfume gets my soft spots out there. Convinced. Lancome: $172 Dollars. Will probably last me a year and a half. Maybe more? Bought thousands of pieces of clothing on depop too.

Was sweeping and Now I have realized how much I am both inclined to and happy to make everything thats mine inaccessible to others. Obviously there is some mistruth there. Because I write my thoughts everywhere. But everything else. There is something extremely primal in ms That likes keeping things to myself. Most people won't even know the shit that I keep, either. That's a huge part of it. Real gratication.

I wish everything in real life was as easy to curate online.

its funny that that dream I told account yesterday was very well rooted in my being and yet it was quite unexplored. it was like the articulation of the certain taste of future that I have had in my mouth for some time now. just the knowing of soemthing youbdont even want to like acknowledge aloud for a multitude of reasons. but nevertheless the dream remains. that I want to hold this entire industry by their necks and be better than them because I am. I think there will be an underground writing group just like there is with every thing and we'll be rich and we'll be the supplies and we'll be the people everyone actually wants to be and they'll realize all of the problems that live in the words and the world of their slop.

everyone is actually just depthless fakers. i typed out many words after this and then deleted them because it all sums up to the same fuck all mess filled with disgust it isnt even worth me looking at ever the fuck again.

in the bathroom I thought about how I don't like my energy when I am playful. This is why I keep making faces in the mirror when I dance. It's not even a forceful shove of nonchalance. That's what it seems like to me sometimes. but its not. I just dont think I like playfulness. I also dont like seriousness either. Balance has been spoken to me many times.

this here is the visual of my making a home in a junkyard

this here is not fully articulated im struggling to describe what i mean. i started with saying i hate people. im ending with that. are my words blended and chopped up versions of the same thoughts someone is feeding me. are my thoughts my food. this is really me asking myself will i ever become more. than this. or whatever. am i guinea pig thinking im reaching another forest when im just running on the damn wheel over and over and over and over again. will i be let out. ive lost what i thought i was saying now. oh. why do i feel like i am being stopped at the top of the hill. like the guy trying to push the rock. and maybe every single stupid shitload of shit that i say is just a different approach to the same problem. but i dont think im going to choose to believe this. that i am just going in loops and loops. it's funny i even let myself get this far. im done speaking of this now

was thinking about my fondest memories washing my face in my uncles house in seventh grade then going to sleep on his couch. for some reason these are quite precious and i have only realized this in washing my face just a couple of seconds ago. cant really tell why i miss these moments as much as i do.

come and fuck me in the morning with the blinds closed

yes im listening to all of this lil peep because I want to listen to your heart beat.

Im not sad it's just like fuck i feel so connected to this guy and I dont know why 😕😕

there is a guy, who's making me listen to lil peep and feel (sincerely) as though i am connected to him, In his body listening to it. there's a guy whos making me look at the ground as i walk because i know him being here is touching me with a profundity i dont even think i can really comprehend yet.

I won't forget that tears have now fallen from my eyes and I havent even met you yet