Biography
The Needlepoints is a contemporary pop punk band from Oklahoma City.
…Formed over the course of several decades in the helm of a mountain in the woods of Romania, a Pagan witch by the name of Kalem Ousrth sacrificed it's firstborn as well as most of the other wildlife in the vicinity to the deities commonly worshipped in this area. (Editor's note: it should be recognized that while the majority of Pop Punk/Romanian deities are known and detailed, it is often considered presumptous to make a laundry list of Pagan gods, as to not leave out any who may have been witnesses.) Over the course of 53 days and nights, through countless rituals over a bubbling cauldron, 4 shining beings emitted from the sky, the mountains, the basement, and from what is now considered Western Europe.
First came Kale Mouser, known scholar and professional heckler of all castes. The man known as 'Mouser' was as tall as 6 castles, stacked on top of each other at the peak of the alps. His biceps were bulging, his pectorals the size of bricks, and his fists could crush even the punkest of punks though he never used them once, except for an one-off event where he used all of his demigod powers to break-up the nu-metal dragon that is known to us only as Biohazard. Kale battled Biohazard, more specifically Vinnie Stigma, in the caverns of a romanian valley for well over 300 years. Blood was shed and bones were broken. The same breakdown still rings out to this day in Drop-D.
Second, and equally important, came Kale's counterpart from a past life in the Amateurian Nightrealm, a beast only known to the mortal world as Dippy. Dippy was smarter than every scholar combined, and could sing with the voice of an angel. However, the voices of the angelic (a-hem) race, are similar to the noise of a lobster in an aluminum pot of lava, being dragged accross a blackboard. Upon finding out that no one else besides him and Kale liked Crimpshine, Dippy vowed to never again let the lowly peasants of this Earth realm feast upon his righteous pipes. Instead, he grabbed two legs off the two nearest crust punks and ripped them from the torso. He then beat them into the side of a mountain in perfect rhythm for the next 6000 years.
Next, the winged demon Taylor Rothschild Windham Eleanor MacKenzie entered the realm; Yea, though he was born Robert Oliver, he then killed a man of the same name before entering the stratosphere of earth, using the intense heat and pressure of the atmosphere two grind up his bones and make 4 thick bass strings out of them, and proceded to get fucking FUNKY WITH IT. He slapped the bass so hard that the vibrations of the instrument's resonance shook deep into the crust of the Earth, banished for years upon years until the day of October 28th, 1929. This day would later be refferred to as "TAKE THAT YOU FUCKING FILTHY WHITE PRIVELIDGE BUSINESS MAN, FEAST FROM MY BASS." The Gregorian translation is commonly reffered to as the stock market crash of '29.
Last, and least impressive, Taylor Vinson, sat at a desk and recounted the tale of the needlepoints. he currently gets paid to do bullshit like this on the computer all day. He occasionally has to answer a phone.
No one thinks he's funny except him.
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