what i meant was that lesbianism pulls at me

it feels as though i know absolutely nothing of the future. is this where my life is beginning? truly? i'm not sure. but universe, i truly do trust this path that you have put me on. i do not think i am falling a apart. i am accepting this because maybe this is what i needed? even though it doesn't sound like it totally could be.

i've been put in a different place now One that has to do with scope and expanse and perception and it happened gradually And abruptly. I think there are cycles that I experience of gratitude and bitterness once I change my equation I guess I will simply remember that for now.

coworker/guy who most likely presumes he's my future love told me "youre funny. on accident (i think). most girls just focus on being girls but you're actually funny" lol

genuinely will not forget when i cried because his shout seemedlike he was saying goodbye and I Felt like i was watching a montage of my grown potential produced by him soone

now, a this point in time, i am so glad i met him.

I am just so angry.

I just want to say here and now that I do not think I am doing that great just in terms of my life just feeling like it’s incapable to produce excitement and I unable to be genuinely happy for long which I think is because of all this shit that I have to do and I just think many things over the past few months like the cold sweats of my soul have sucked the life out of me. That’s why it’s so hard to feel as passionate as I used to and even when I do it’s like my body has now formed a second person produced by everyone telling me what I can and cannot do. I no longer even want to participate in my life around me not until I get out of here because I no longer see a purpose in it I no longer feel like there is something left to gain from anyone right now. And sometimes I just get so angry about it. My life is so good when I am not home.

Feel like my Interests have been non existent for so long This year has been the only Where I am realizing what I enjoy at all. Probably why my sense of self is like a hol e in a Ship And I am seeing at once that I Hate what’s around me.

People love to think they’re political. Things are once again unnerving me with irritation. They think they have quick wits and smart things to say. I find it pretty dull silly and meaningless. I guess it angers me that they thought they had something good to say but that thing was so purely for an audience and therefore useless.

Everyone’s words have Really been helping lately.

recconecting with myself and now i feel emotional. i feel guilty for all the time i've wasted and the things i've done that i should've waited for. in such a rush to be out of this body molded by this cocoon, but i can help it. and i don't want to think otherwise. this soundtrack is helping me tremendously. as always. i will return to myself i i just allow myself to think and pay attention to my soft spikes of emotions that make me feel so tender.

Who am i

Im back and I don't think I know who I am

Who am I becoming. Who have I become

I'm finding true affinity in flat surfaces and condensation and genuine nothingness I miss my mom and I dont feel comfortable around anybody.im becoming great at eating my tears and sleeping through caffeine and they're really the same thing. It's all willpower and lawn mowers and expulsion and muffling

I'm drinking a vita malt. Comforted because I'm tasting blood again. When they tested me for anemia I was still with genuine petrification but the color of my blood truly fascinated me. If anyone wants to know why it was because I was so intrigued by the beverage container at Chipotle maybe a week before. I'm writing this while teetering on something invisble. But the evidence is in what I wrote. This was before I got my blood sucked out of me by the lady who I really bonded with in that moment. But when I looked at it It turned out to be the same color of the Chipotle juice. Something in what I'm saying here makes me want to cry. Something in everything recently makes me want to cry. I suppose there's something I kept thinking I hated color. Then I was talking about purple. Then the purple juice. Then my blood. Now everything is mulberry and it makes me feel just as squashed as I truly am.

my life was kickstarted and now its almost hard not to be sad.

am i going to reexpierience loneliness? i dont know but i feel like it'll take me weeks to readjust. I hope this doesnt last long.

I just need to be flushed in darkness right now. Need to reflect on it all. Had really really good days and Really good moments. Especially with this boy. I gope he comes back to me soon. If I love him, let me, please. Had realy bad days and bad moments all of which were so teaching. Had a thought earlier that I am the way I am because most of how I act and think and behave was developed in isolation. I never had any real parenting except for the correction that wasn't there. And it wasnt bad. It's the same thing I still long for and I think because I grew up in it, my body craves what it was so used to. It was so good until it ended. Whether it be for a quick moment or long one. And of course, it wasn't sustainable because I was like nine years old. I still wish to be in that place right now. Think on some level I still am.

hate that you would ever make me learn what attachment feels like this way. bever have i ever let myself cling to anything or anyone like i have with you in these few short fuckign days and i hat you for leaving.

Guy thats been talking to me just found out how Old I am. Guy's like 24. I knew we were inching that way. People never want to talk to you unless they fucking like you. Ugh. Telling me he wanted to see ID. Lmfao. Like he's funny and he said he told his supervisor that the girl at the cafe is cute. He said i said it nonchalantly he needs to see my mom. All of this.

done. tired of people making me tear up. tired of having to hold it together because of other people's tears. i still dont know what to think. but dude, if you didnt like me absolutely Why would you do all of this? It just sucks because it takes me forever to like people. and then it finally happens and you tell me its fake? or you dont feel the same? or what. I dont really know. I understand taking time. Man I do. But to leave because of the real truth of tje matter and start with yellow end with purple dude. Ouch.

down to forks Washington indeed. its okay.

you need to feel seen more because you glow. goodbye.

Honestly dude, Im falling the fuck apart.

sorry im a lot more apathetic and cold and dry than you are. thank you for loving me anwyays

☹️☹️ my babt

want to consume your pain so badly im already feeling a light fist twisting a hole in my chest. this time its not silly at all.

song will sound so nice when im experiencing winter's emptiness. this time with a real angel as white as the snow. yes, frozen condensation and precipitation, mirror him. id like to see him everywhere. let it blind me like it always does. let solitude freeze me up, let companionship comfort me. may my writing never end.

winter will come back, and ill bring back hood. told him my veins didn't exist, that seclusion softens me. i want to hold that pit, i feel it growing and spinning, it's heat seeping off in walls.

sorry, idk what ti do. I truly do feel like I want to start living for you.

i was watching the water move in the canal before during and after the rain. healing. so so so healing. then this leaf cpuple swam by and they were just sd content as i was. this is how i pour my own contents out and watch it float away. i resonate with the things i see so much maybe i think everytbing is just a mirror. me and uncle had a thing with mirrors in about seventh grade. i think i was writing about a memory i had there. a nice peaceful routine and i dont rly have much of those anymore. i think i lived with him for a year or so. those are some of the fondest rememberings i have. i used to sit in front of the tv and cry to eyedress with my headphones on. and then id play valorant until 5 in the morning. then we'd all play gauntlet until maybe three. that was when i had my first crush. girl named Bella. she had bangs and a button nose. she told me her password to help her do her math homework once. it is the same password i use for everytbing now. not rly a joke at all.

now more memories are arising. when i was really young like maybe in third or fourth grade i was in this program. not sure the actual age at all. had a little friend in college because of it. i lived right near the campus. one day we were in her dorm playing just dance. then her roommate came in and we were playing ffa in nuketown. now that i realize it. ive always been a little quiet. didnt even give them the impression I played that game. but i fondly remember tearing her up. lol. funny im remembering this. Actions Reply 0votes More actions misexistence Your avatar36 seconds ago the other day i was talking to my aunt about my mom. she said the day Annie came out in theaters my dad didnt come because he was playing resident evil with my mom. my mom and my brother used to play cod zombies. she was really hardcore before she actually had to start trying

think ive been bring odd manifestation vampire activity into my life. first it was the rubbing garlic on my spider bite. then it was the extreme apathy i felt while looking in the mirror. none of this may be related to someone else. i am just a measly silly thing after all. but then i was biting his thumb. he wanted me to. i am filled with nothing. i am like a beverage dispenser of dark blueberry juice with real fresh contents in it. almost dripping with lovely condensation and beauty to someone looking to drink. i think sometimes i am always seen by parched people. and yet i pour only water. not lukewarm. cold, like expected, but still water. that is what i am. i love it.

the aboslute abominable fatigue i feel right now/

have touched this jokeful about me tee ass exploitative essay in a moment. im actually excited though. the hormones just have to be on point for this one.

21 days. Will i die or be reborn again?

no way im sitting here budgeting with you like we're roomates or something even more dangerous. a couple

hormones are actually quite real lol sometimes I think im looking at myself through a microscope and im just like not blinking

genuinely freaking out over my new twilight shirt thats a thousand percent from the year 2009. Actions Reply 0votes More actions Replies misexistence Your avataran hour ago and im painting my nails the color stay & night by opi. listening to rosyln. Actions Reply 0votes More actions Replies misexistence Your avatar36 minutes ago this puts me in such a state

dont really like routines but its nice to notice when ive developed some on accident Actions Reply 0votes More actions Replies misexistence Your avatar12 minutes ago many of them are here in this very place. ive probably listened to this song at 10:40 at night a hundred times.think im actually a little fond of patterns.

hate myself and the world and my life and everyone and everything around me at the moment

I want to cryyyyy i want to cry.

hopeless idiotic piner

It is crazy that the only escape of passivity for some people is reposting on their Instagram story i shall never get by this

Writing here because I'm feeling Hella autistic today. In my head too much again. Thinking about everyone's lack of awareness and if I Am even a Good person or not.

Sorry, no, I'm not available for love while I'm at work :/// I take this kill all tenderness thing very seriously here :(( Okay? Sorryyy☹️☹️

What would the buddha say about compliments I wonder

why do i feel like im not getting the people who are good for me