I think I need to just smoke weed and forget the booze. Forget the meth. Forget the ketamine. Forget the acid. Do this.. stop torturing your already broken and battered soul. It's akin to beating up someone suffering from multiple sclerosis. Why are you doing that again and again. Please do it.

I feel.. pain.

I can't do this anymore.

Apparently I got so black out intoxicated that I broke something important to me. Made a big mess. Oh god.

Good morning you crappy reality. I was in another world in my dreams.

I've never had a real person say "I love you" other than a few times growing up. And I mean emotional intimacy.. bonding.. a lover, but more than that.. a mate. A ride or die. A connection to another conscious being. I fucking wish I could experience that and reciprocate. I know that would be better than being a pathetic forever alone disgusting meme of a person.

I'm not sure if these delete after a limit or whatever. Nobody will ever see these. So I guess it's pointless but at the very least I can be myself. So here goes.. I'm isolating myself and have been for years. I yurn for connection but fear and avoid it. I may not even be capable. I'm not a healthy person. I'm often selfish and inwardly pointed. Envious. Jealous. Sad. Ashamed. Guilty. Hateful. Numb. A lot of the time it's numbness. Towards normal emotions.. I barely feel them at times. My mom shot herself in the face with a rifle last June. I hated her. Loved her. Despised her. Regretted her. Was exiled from her. I wake up and there's nobody. No conversation. No jovial banter. No human touch. I haven't ever been held. I haven't held anyone. Ever. Loser. Disgusting. Wrong. Broken.

I wish I was able to have coffee with someone. Just talking. Taking in the day.

Love you from another timeline.

Supporting this great website and resource. Pro life is good. 😝

I will survive. Somehow?

Music is the only reason I continue waking up. May that be enough for the rest of days.