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ClassyMusicSnob
Ah to be a virgin again and not know the sound and feeling Mikael's thunderous drops of sweet molten cheesy cum.
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Nick-Valentine
Ah, come on! You’re just jealous of Mikael Oakenshield's impressive moustache. In German we've got a few nicknames for that: Rotzbremse (snot brake), Pornobalken (porn bar), or Suppenfilter (soup strainer).
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hekas-hekas
Girls can’t into Opeth. For the most part they listen to them because it’s a fashion statement. They think “lol so random”. Women need constant validation from others so they seek out sub-cultures to be apart of. What they don’t realize is that Opeth is about homoeroticism and sexual dominance. Women are too fucking female to even understand the lyrics. “Attack me from behind” Men are nothing but a sack of flesh with pleasure holes for sole purpose of pleasuring Mikael Akerfeldt. “A liquid seeps from your chest” Primal desires meaning the true libertine lusts that reside in the gay male. A good majority of the song talks about fucking drugged out, unaware men. That’s only a few examples of their lyrics that show a common theme of male on male relationships. And for Christ sake all of the members of Opeth are males, just imagine being around that testosterone.
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Richard-Worship
Ah, what a masterstroke of insight and wit! Truly, this analysis unveils a hidden realm of Opeth’s music, wherein the band’s transcendent artistry is merely a glorified ode to homoerotic lust, drugged-out male pleasures, and, dare I say, primal testosterone-fueled revelry. Indeed, how could we, with our feeble, feminine minds, possibly comprehend the deep nuances of Mikael Akerfeldt’s lyrical genius? Certainly, we must be far too *female* to fathom the intricacies of such sublime imagery as “Attack me from behind” — clearly a metaphor for male-on-male desire, and not, as any reasonable person might surmise, a commentary on struggle or vulnerability. And of course, what else could “A liquid seeps from your chest” signify, but the true, unvarnished lust of the ‘gay male’? Surely, all of us who do not dwell in the sacred realms of testosterone could never hope to understand. What a revelation!
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rOnieAirhead
It's a universal fact that Mikael hates de bussy and is more kind of a de benis gentleman
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Sansuhwa
BREAKING: Opteh have announced that a collab project with Canadian pop punk legends Sum 41, recorded a few months before the latter group broke up in March of 2025, is set to finally be released to the public soon. The project, which is named Sum 69, consists of progressive death metal remixes of classic anthems such as "Makes No Difference", "In Too Deep", and "Still Waiting", not to mention a new version of "Fat Lip" with Steven Wilson doing the opening rap part, and the original heavy metal bridge made even heavier with djent guitars. Sum 41 frontman Deryck Whibley had this to say in an exclusive interview with metaldaddies.net: "The project will drop in June, since it's our way showing support to the gay pride movement. That, and it's pretty easy to make money off of millennial nostalgia these days." Opteh's frontman Mikael Åkerfeldt added his own two cents: "I'm gåy."
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SchizoMayunly
He's ghey for the same reasons many of us are ghey, I think. He probably bought a copy of SOREASSNESS by Opteh and when the music began playing, everything changed: his jeans suddenly turned into tight leather pants, the Pamela Anderson posters on the wall became Richard Marx posters, the chandelier became a shiny rainbow-colored disco ball hanging from teh ceiling, his "Anal Cunt - FUCKIN' A" shirt morphed into an "Opteh - Heirtage (Of Gay)" crop top, and even his girlfriend shapeshifted into a leatherdaddy. This is what happens when you Opteh. Witness the magic...
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SchizoMayunly
Sometimes helicocktering (windmilling your dick so fast that you achieve flight) is the best mode of transport if you want to escape from dangerous situations. Let's say Mikael is stealing cucumbers from the grocery store and as he leaves the store he's surrounded by cops trying to arrest him. What does he do? He just thinks of Steven, gets a boner and then helicockters his way to freedom.
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FjordSweetFjord
Hoping for more US tour dates next year, haven't seen them since 2017 sadly.
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SchizoMayunly
You don't need to attend gigs in the US to see them, just yesterday I saw Mikael hanging out at teh Blue Oyster Bar in Stockholm
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Sansuhwa
After putting Mikael's name into an anagram generator, here are my faves: Karate Milked Elf (hot), Fatal Reeked Milk, Freaked Leak Milt (funfact, milt is fish semen), Freaked Kale Milt (vegetarian option?), Freaked Lake Milt (straight from the source), Freaked Late Milk (sounds kinda dirty), Dreamlike Fat Elk, Leaked After Milk (dirtiest yet), Faked Metal Liker (poseurs), Drake Female Kilt ("yeah, say that you a lesbian, girl, me too")
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SchizoMayunly
Nice. I did the same thing with the name Steven Wilson, and I got Svelte In Snow (I imagine a svelte twink with his face in the "snow", which is a very accurate portrayal of Steven), Loins Weens TV, Lovin Wetness (hawt 💦🔥), Lovense Twins (which sounds like hawt lesbian porn), and Slovene Twins (incest is WINcest, baybuh). Now I've got a Svöllen-Böehner.
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bernkastel__
gooning is a trend nowdays but opteh fans habe been doing it for years, where is the respect?
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SchizoMayunly
MIKEAL WISHES TEH BORS A HAPPY NEW YEAR FILLED WITH LOTS OF FROTTAGE AND HOMOEROTIC BUTTBANGING ACTION
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spineshank155
OMG bors I finally had listened to the new album but had to also play Nickelback™ and Manowar™ to avoid getting a§§raped by leatherdaddies. An invisible field prevented their Svöllen-Böehners from reaching my butthole. Instead it broke all of their Svöllen-Böehners. True story.
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SchizoMayunly
He's called Grant MacDonald because I granted him access to my butt in a McDonalds bathroom
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Sansuhwa
BREAKING: Opteh have announced they are looking to purchase fast food chain McDonald's and rename the brand to McAelakerfeldt's by 2030; in a press conference, the band's lead singer said "We don't have enough money to do it on our own, so we're counting on our loyal fans to venmo us the relevant amount of euros as needed."
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Sansuhwa
Truck month is back! ❤️❤️😍 Our favourite month of the year has returned, and once again Truck Month is the perfect time to get into a brand new GMC Sierra 😘😘😉😉or Chevrolet Silverado.🤪🤪😝😝😝 What’s so special about Truck Month? Doesn’t GM frequently offer discounts? 🤨🤨🥺🥺 ❤️❤️😏We offer the best deals and credits! 😍😍😋😋Yes, it’s true GM does discount vehicles but those credits typically aren’t as significant as those offered during truck month. 😳😳If you’re looking for a new truck March is the month for you!🤔🤔🤩🤩😝😝 Okay, so what kind of deals can I expect?😏😏🥺🥺😌😌 Quite simply- you can get up to $10,000 in total credits on a new truck! 😉😉🥰🥰Purchase a 2016 GM Sierra Kodiak Edition, 😘😘😘😚😚for example, and you could get up to $10,000 in total value with features that😝😝😝 include remote vehicle start, trailering equipment, dual-zone climate control and much more!😆😆😋😋😗
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SchizoMayunly
Interesting. Well, my Alpha Bromeo got completely destroyed on the last Mardi Gayz night, and since I'm tired of helicocktering, I think I'll buy that GMC Sierra truck so I can cruise the strip to teh sound of Teh 'Back while some hot bitchiz bump on mah lumps
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SchizoMayunly
Ok so the GMC Sierra that I bought has problem and that problem is not the jew: last night as I was driving through the city (of love), the traffic lights turned red and I stopped the truck in front of some nightclubz. I turned the radio on but it was playing Depeche Mode. I switched to another radio station, which oddly was playing Right Said Fred. Another one: Pet Shop Boys... Village People... Stevie Willie. Opteh. All the stations were playing gay music. Then I realized "GMC" stands for "Gay Mayunly Chainbears", and the license plate "64Y53X" means "gay sex"! I freaked out. At that point turning the radio off was useless, because one of the nightclubz in the vicinity was the Blue Oyster Bar: a bunch of tough vicious leatherdaddies had already heard Mikael's voice and they were running towards me at full speed. Traffic lights were still red, so I jumped out of the truck, ran all the way home and didn't look back. I should have bought the Chadrolet Silversideup instead...
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SchizoMayunly
BREAKING NEWS, BORS: Trump has recently announced 9000% tariffs on Opteh albums in an attempt to (in his own words) "discourage Opteh album imports, which will save our great nation from homersexuality". He has also imposed these tariffs on other products such as leather outfits, dildos, whips, hot oil lotions and creams, among other thingz, as well as a 70% lifelong (and postmortem) income tax on any american citizen who's ever attended an Opteh show. During the announcement, he said "I've got all the leatherdaddies calling me up and kissing my ass, trying to negotiate tariff rates with me... they'll be kissing my ass tonight, for real!" and then he danced to the sound of "YMCA" by Village People.
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Sansuhwa
Swedish Finance Minister Hans Anders Flingerdörgen, in an interview with melodeathdaddies.com, said that the new tariffs are "truly an unbelievable bögavföring," and that the government is, at the moment, considering retaliation by putting reciprocal tariffs on Taylor Swift's music, warning that any further unilateral moves "will mean war" with the entire Swedish state, and further threatened to hire black metal musicians that can burn down the White House "like it's still the early 90's."
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SchizoMayunly
In an interview with gramparawkleatherdaddies.cum, Opteh vocalist Mikael Åkerfeldt spoke negatively about the tariffs, saying "I fear the price of dildos will start rising faster than my dick when I look at Steven Wilson's beautiful face". He said that if monetary inflation happens, he will start purchasing bananas and cucumbers, which are cheaper and give him "more or less the same sensation as dildos in teh ass, and at least you can eat them afterwards".
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Dogger_Dog
SO BORS I GO TO DOCTOR OFFICE FOR CHECKUP BECUASE I OLD FART NOW OMG OVER 50 SO GROSS SO CREEPY AND DCOTOR SAYS 'BOY U GETTIN OLD HANGING BRAIN ALL OVAH U GOT INVERTID PEENIS DONT SIT DOWN IN SHOWER OR U SMASH IT' SO I SAYS 'HEY DOC WHAT CAN A NIGGA DO WITH HANGING SO MUCH BRAIN I CANT GET IT UP NO MORE BUT JUST INCASE I SEE LEATHERDADDY WITH HOT OILS LOTIONS AND CREAMZ WUT CAN I DO' AND HE SAID OPTEH
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SchizoMayunly
BOR IF UR PEENIS CUMS OUT OF UR ASS YOU WILL NO LONGER GET COLONOSCOPY OR MANSEX CUZ TEH INVERTED PEENIS BLOCKS TEH BUTTHOLE ALSO TEH DOCTOR IS A CHARLATAN HE SHOULD HAVE SAID NICKELBACK
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SchizoMayunly
So bors, I had some problems driving home after Mardi Gayz night. While I was riding in my Alpha Bromeo burning up the asphalt at 120 km/h, a green figure appeared right in the middle of the road. At first I thought "aliens? Another encounter with the overlords of the Fagguminati? Or maybe Jewluminati?" but as I stopped the car I noticed it was just a naked man wearing green bodypaint. He had a moustache, long hair, and he spoke: "Hello. I am the fagget in green. Cum home with me because I'm a sexmachine". I declined. Later, another man was standing in the road, this one was wearing glasses, he seemed to be covered in grey paint and he said (with a british accent) "Hello, I am the fagget in grey. Cum home with me because I'm really gay", so I pressed the pedal to the metal and ran him over. At a certain point a tanned asian guy with a leathermask appeared, I thought he would say "I'm the fagget with a tan" but he just said "My name is Van. I'm 30 years old and I'm from Japan." Weird.
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SchizoMayunly
Later, I turned the radio on but it was playing ASSFILLED WITH TESTESMILK by Opteh so in order to avoid becoming temporarily gay I stopped the car and changed the station, hoping I could find something different. Unfortunately, I chose a station which was playing Nickelback LOOGA DIS FAWTUGRAYUFF - as you can imagine, hearing The Kroegster's heavenly voice gave me an erection so huge that my Svöllen-Böehner pierced through my pants and accidentally hit the accelerator pedal, making the car speed up and reach 300 km/h. I tried to remove my dong from the pedal but the subsequent friction (along with Chad's voice and riffs) made me jizz massively, which flooded the car so I had no choice but to open the door and jump out right before the Alpha Bromeo fell into a ravine. After this happened the faggets in green and grey appeared in the distance, laughing and screaming "EVERYTIME YOU REJECT MIKAEL, MIKAEL PUTS A CURSE ON YOU". I ran all the way home and didn't look back. Such a weird night.
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BleedBaudelaire
Hello everyone, NeueRegel on his new account here; I have reported all of you in this shoutbox to Last FM support and to the police. Have fun doing 5-10 years in jail just for posting som abhorrent comments.
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SchizoMayunly
Hey bors now that Pope Frottancis is dead, who will be the next Pope? I bet it will be another leatherdaddy, probably Mikael or Steven
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IndustrialSkyz
Teh Kroegster ™ - teh only man that can turn Mikael from teh giver into teh receiver
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SchizoMayunly
This Christmas my parents gave me a copy of Assfilled With Testesmilk by Opteh, I had already told them that I'm not gay but they didn't believe it!!!
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Sansuhwa
Mikåel Åkerfeldt hås ånnounced thåt he will be åttending LeatherFest™, the world's lårgest gåthering (more like gåythering, åmirite?) of Hårley motorcycle enthusiåsts, NWOBH fåns, ånd other åssorted leåtherdåddies. Mikåel hås ståted thåt he fåiled to stop by låst yeår's event becåuse he wås too busy giving Steven Wilson å båck måssåge while in London on å business trip. This yeår's event will ålso host å Q&Å pånel feåturing the cåst of "Bluebålled in the Blue Oyster Bår", the hit TV gåmeshow (more like gåymshow, åmirite guyz? [more like gåyz, åmirite?])
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SchizoMayunly
I åttended thåt §how lå§t yeår. I went there for the NWØBHM, ånd §tåyed for the leåtherdåddie§.
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SchizoMayunly
HEY BORS TEH NEW GÜNTHER SONG JUST CURED MY ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION OMGOMG: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYNInKog-PY
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