onisemus

I learned to juggle silverware and chainsaws at the age of three. On my fifth birthday I received a camera and took up photography, which culminated in my first National Geographic cover photo fourteen days later. That summer I built a school.

Since that time, I have twice achieved Nirvana. The Vatican asks my advice on matters of state. I mow grass without missing a single blade, and I bowl turkeys in every game. I bench-press one and a half times my weight.

I can make balloon animals and fold origami with my tongue. I have been a reoccuring guest-star on The Dukes of Hazzard. I can say with certainty that I have, on two occasions, prevented forest fires. I am known in certain Buddhist circles as The Leopard.

I mix my whites and darks, but my colors never bleed. My grilled swiss-on-rye has received international attention. I shave with enthusiasm, I argue with gusto, and I challenge young minds. I never forget a face. On holidays, I pack lunches for people who do not have the day off. I am a student of Science, a master of Carpentry, and the most feared man in Tibet. My socks match.