gerph

In 1986 I was recruited into an elite force of commandos. In daring, and sometimes lethal, missions to ensure world security my team worked along side such well known figures as Abdul Hassim Smith (during his time as President of the National Stamp Collectors Union [Perth]), Pope John Paul (in his capacity as keeper of the papal tea fund), and Elizabeth Jones (who lived down the road and needed help with moving her wardrobe). After a particularly unfortunate incident in liberating hostages from a Kentucky Fried Chicken outlet in which my best friend had to be admitted to casualty with third degree papers cuts, I retired from the service and began my valued work as part of the Kingston Boys Underwater Choir. As organist and driving buddy for Chuck (The Yoeman) Terrence (who later went on to have string of top ten hits in Azerbaijan), I found a kind of peace in their work. This did not last, however. The competitive world of underwarter choiristry was not for me, and I returned home to decide what to do with my life. It was there that I found my wife Katya, hiding behind the fruit and veg counter at Sainsbury's. Having been chased there by the Russian mafia and with a 25 million USD price on her head she was only too happy to marry me and change her name to Claire. Claire and our two daughters now live in Paris, where she makes a respectable living as a clothes designer. The tragedy of our divorce and the security pressures of being spiritual advisor to Clinton left me, in 1997 with a terrible decision - either to return to my childhood ambitions of being an international hitman, to start my own Martian Real Estate business, or to wallow in self pity and finally die of an overdose. I decided on the middle of these options and began retailing prime land in the Martian deserts. After making millions from damage claims brought against NASA for trespass and damage to properties (3 million year old antique rocks being desecrated is a crime, whatever planet it's on), I retired to a small island in the Florida Keys from where I now post pointless and irrelevant notes to little known news sites and usenet groups.