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Tell us your best joke

 
  • Knock knock.

    Who's there?

    To.

    To who?

    To whom.

    • [Usuário excluído] disse...
    • Usuário
    • Fev 7 2011, 18h18
    This is so lame, but my memory only ever has enough storage for one joke and that is always the most recent joke i heard

    2 explorers stumble into a jungle village in Africa. The chief offers them one of 2 choices - death, or unga bunga. The 1st explorer says "unga bunga, obviously!". Every man in the village then proceeds to rape the 1st explorer. After seeing this the 2nd explorer says "Death!". The chief then says "DEATH BY UNGA BUNGA!!!"

    • lawynd disse...
    • Usuário
    • Fev 7 2011, 22h14
    Three ducks walk into a bar; the bar-keep asks the first duck what he'd like to drink, whilst he's pouring he asks the duck what he was up to today.

    "Well, this morning I got up and went in and out of puddles, had something to eat, went in and out of puddles and then I came here." replies the duck.

    The bar-keep takes the second duck's order and makes small talk with him too, enquiring about his day.

    "Well I got up, and I went in and out of puddles. Then I had something to eat, went in and out of puddles again and then I came here."

    The bar-keep then serves the third duck, and asks him about his day.

    "I'm Puddles, and I'm pissed off."

    Official recorder of Schrödinger's Tampon.

    Quote of the moment - "They tried to get me to eat haggis but I couldn't stomach it."
    • rborlax disse...
    • Usuário
    • Fev 7 2011, 23h24
    HisEyesWereDark said:
    This is so lame, but my memory only ever has enough storage for one joke and that is always the most recent joke i heard

    2 explorers stumble into a jungle village in Africa. The chief offers them one of 2 choices - death, or unga bunga. The 1st explorer says "unga bunga, obviously!". Every man in the village then proceeds to rape the 1st explorer. After seeing this the 2nd explorer says "Death!". The chief then says "DEATH BY UNGA BUNGA!!!"



    • [Usuário excluído] disse...
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    • Fev 23 2011, 23h15
    A young couple wanted to join the church, the priest told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'

    The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

    'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the priest inquired.

    'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly

    The priest asked him what happened.

    'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.

    One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

    The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

    'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at B&Q, either.'

  • [Teacher] If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have ?
    [Kid] Big hands !

    You're so ugly, when you sit in the sand the cats try to bury you.

    How come Miss Universe is only won by people from Earth?

    • [Usuário excluído] disse...
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    • Fev 24 2011, 15h50
    Sick Day

    A man calls in to work.
    "I can't come in today....."

    The boss asks, "Why, what's wrong?"

    The man says,
    "My doctor says I have Anal Glaucoma."

    Again the boss asks, " What's Anal Glaucoma?"

    slight pause..Then the man says,
    "I don't see my ass coming in today...."

    • [Usuário excluído] disse...
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    • Fev 25 2011, 18h00
    I mean seriosuly guys holocaust jokes aren't funny.
    Anne Frankly, I won't stand for it.

    • [Usuário excluído] disse...
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    • Fev 26 2011, 0h00
    A lady approaches her rabbi and tells him, "Rabbi, I have
    a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only
    know how to say one thing."

    "What do they say?" the rabbi inquired.

    "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want
    to have some fun?'"

    "That's terrible!" the rabbi exclaimed, "but I have a
    solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots
    over to my house and I will put them with my two male
    talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read Hebrew.
    My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that
    terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise
    and worship."

    "Thank you!" the woman responded.

    The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the rabbi's house.
    His two male parrots are wearing tiny yamulkes and praying in
    their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots
    and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

    One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and
    exclaims, "Put away the siddurs! Our prayers have been answered!"


    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    On my flight to New York there must have been an Israeli in the bathroom the entire time. There was a sign on the door that said, "Occupied.

    • Kennoth disse...
    • Usuário
    • Fev 26 2011, 2h37
    said:










    There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

    Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

    The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
    Employee.

    He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

    The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

    At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

    The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

    The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

    'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

    'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.


    Amazing!


    DaddyPobbin said:
    I mean seriosuly guys holocaust jokes aren't funny.
    Anne Frankly, I won't stand for it.


    Muhahahaha

    Editado por Kennoth em Fev 26 2011, 2h45
  • The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar .....




    It was tanse.

  • What's the difference between jam and jelly?
    I cant jelly my cock down your throat.

    "I find my subwoofer makes a cool sound whilst completely submerged in water. Best baths ever.

    Also, sticking in the blow dryer makes a cool ghetto hot tub."
  • Not the best I have heard, but I have a bad memory:

    Knock- Knock
    Who's There?
    9/11
    9/11 who?
    YOU SAID YOU WOULD NEVER FORGET! *sobs*

    Edit, heres another:

    A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

    The survey was a huge failure...

    In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
    In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
    In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
    In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
    In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
    In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
    And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant

    Hope that second one doesn't offend too many, ha.

  • Why did the baker have smelly hands?

    Because he kneaded a poo

    Are you writing from the heart?
    • V1nc3ntK disse...
    • Usuário
    • Mar 3 2011, 16h37
    They're making an all-action composers film and the leads are arguing about roles.
    Stallone wants to be Mozart, Jet Li wants to be Beethoven.
    Arnie: "I'll be Bach".

    The Ancient DisOrder of the Last FM Round Table
    • nuklr disse...
    • Usuário
    • Mar 3 2011, 18h49
    baldylocks said:
    Why did the baker have smelly hands?

    Because he kneaded a poo


    fantastic. A+. would buy again.

  • Its one of those old "your momma" style jokes, but i engineered it differently. It goes as follows:

    Your daddy is so bald when he wears a turtle neck he looks like a broken condom.
    Your momma is so hairy when she gave birth to you she gave you rugburns

    We're like captains at war, we'll get followed to hell
    • [Usuário excluído] disse...
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    • Mar 7 2011, 1h28
    After digging to a depth of 10 feet, Scottish scientists found traces
    of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that
    their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years
    ago.

    Not to be outdone by this, in the weeks that followed, an English
    archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
    published in the London Morning Herald read:

    "English archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire,
    have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
    communications network 30 years earlier than the Scottish
    ".

    One week later, the Evening Herald in Dublin, Ireland, reported the
    following:

    "After digging as deep as 37 feet in his pasture near Bantry, Paddy
    O'Donnell, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found
    absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 130 years ago,
    Ireland had already gone wireless!"

    • [Usuário excluído] disse...
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    • Mar 7 2011, 2h45
    A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"

    • [Usuário excluído] disse...
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    • Mar 23 2011, 19h46
    A London Fire

    In a run-down part of East London a fire destroyed a dilapidated four-storey house
    that had been divided into four flats.

    A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists
    and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor...
    all six tragically perished in the fire.


    A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats,
    all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor...
    they too, all perished in the fire.


    Six Albanian, ex-cons, stealing cars and selling them back on in Albania - all claiming
    political asylum and living off the state for free,
    occupied the 3rd floor...they too, died.


    But the middle aged British white couple who lived
    on the top floor miraculously survived the fire.


    The Equal Opportunities Commission,
    Amnesty International, Rights activists,
    black community leaders and the
    British Islamic Council were all furious
    at the apparent racial inequality of the situation.


    Why was just the British white couple saved?
    It was monstrous they claimed, and showed
    that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas
    of public service - questions were raised in the
    House of Commons, the popular media picked up
    the story and within hours it was national and
    indeed international news.


    Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned
    stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to
    conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had
    completed their report.


    He closed by stating that he expected their initial
    assessment to be available within the next 36 hours
    so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather
    the evidence and report back before
    he commented any further.

    The baying Press pack subsequently reported the
    interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor
    was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch
    with the feelings of the whole East London community!


    A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups,
    together with the Home Secretary drove to the area,
    having demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer.


    They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV
    had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met
    by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.


    On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans,
    Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and
    only the white couple lived.


    One bemused fire officer quietly replied ...



    "Because they were both at work."

    • LuJo1989 disse...
    • Usuário
    • Abr 1 2011, 4h27
    I'm very proud of my Grandfather.
    He shot down two German planes.
    Admittedly that was in 1958, but you can never be too careful!

    :-D

    • harry098 disse...
    • Usuário
    • Abr 1 2011, 4h41
    April Fool's prank

    What about translating the entire website into mock Swedish (a la Swedish Chef)? The online Risk game Conquer Club (www.conquerclub.com) did this as their April Fools prank. Some members are frantically looking for a language setting, not realizing that it really is English with funny spellings. Bork! bork! bork!

  • DaddyPobbin said:
    blue_iPod said:
    ^ lmfao

    A child molester and a little boy are walking in the woods. They keep walking further and further and it's getting darker and darker. The little boy looks up at the child molester and says "Gee mister, I'm getting scared." The child molester goes "You think you're scared kid, I have to walk out of here alone."


    Blue Valentine?

    Yup! :]

  • A dyslexic walks into a bra.

  • What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

    See you next month

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