Tyler Massey

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Hello, world. I’d like to take this rare opportunity to refer to myself in the third person. *ahem* Tyler Massey is an uncomplicated person. He likes to sip Cristal and polish his yacht collection. He enjoys the simple things in life, like stepping on snails barefoot and nude origami. He wishes that he had a proper Hobo Name, and is open to suggestions.

Like so many other glamourous, self-important people, he was born in America. It’s not important WHERE. Really, it’s not. Stop asking him about it. (He secretly wishes he could do a convincing British accent so that he could have a day off). Fleeing the Bush Administration and a general sense of ennui, he emigrated to the UK in 2005. Unbelievable though it may seem, he actually prefers living in the UK to the US, though this is mainly due to the fact that he has a fatal allergy to Conservative Christians (He has a doctor’s note).

He currently resides in the Midlands, which is sort of in the middly bit of England (see map), but will gladly drive elsewhere when people pay him to play guitar and sing. Especially if there are snails to stomp and paper to fold. Tyler hates reality shows, as a general rule… especially singing competitions judged by dwarves with bad haircuts. He hates reality, as well, especially when people misinterpret 2000 year old books to mean ‘let’s kill everyone who doesn’t agree with us’. Thinks the pope should wear a condom. But, I digress. Don’t get him started on Scrappy Doo.