The Onion's Finest News Report

Running length
70 tracks
Running time
0:00

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Tracklist

    Track     Duration Listeners
1 Onion Finest News Reporting Vol. 1 Introduction 0:00 1
2 A Massive Oil Spill Results In Improved Wildlife Viscosity 0:00 7
3 A Cop Kills His Own Partner And Vows To Track Himself Down 0:00 3
4 NASA Is Baffled By The Failure Of Its Straw Shuttle 0:00 72
5 Clinton Has Been Seduced By A Suave International Diamond Thief 0:00 3
6 An Area Bassist Is Felated 0:00 3
7 High Court Bans Same-Sex Friendships 0:00 708
8 The Amish Give Up 0:00 3
9 A Giant Six-Year Old Devastates An Area Ant Community 0:00 3
10 I Believe The Robots Are Our Future 0:00 1
11 A Family Of Four Has Been Rescued From A Burning House By A Homosexual 0:00 3
12 Desperate Vegetarians Declare Cows Plants 0:00 17
13 The Whale Market Is Targeted With New Plankton-Flavored Peanut Butter 0:00 3
14 Chrisopher Reeve Is Placed Atop The Washington Monument 0:00 4
15 Civil War Enthusiasts Burn Atlanta To The Ground 0:00 15
16 Jesus Christ Has Hired An Associate Christ 0:00 9
17 A Bluesman Claims Yemen Done Him Wrong 0:00 3
18 Taco Bell Launches The New Morning-After Burrito 0:00 2
19 A Zookeeper Is Savagely Raped By A Grizzly Bear 0:00 2
20 The Jews Have Been Ordered Back To Egypt For Pyramid Duty 0:00 6
21 Clinton Deploys Vowels To Bosnia 0:00 14
22 Those Motherfucking Robins Are On Thin Ice With Me 0:00 2
23 Nine People Are Drawn And Quartered At An Out-Of-Hand Rennaissance Fair 0:00 2
24 Neighbors Remember A Serial Killer As A Serial Killer 0:00 4
25 Chrysler Discontinues Neck Belts 0:00 19
26 Teachers Are Apalled By Poorly Written Teen Suicide Notes 0:00 3
27 Mother Theresa Has Been Sent To Hell In A Wacky Afterlife Mix-Up 0:00 5
28 A Buck-Naked Man Stresses The Importance Of Proper Schooling 0:00 4
29 Ants Demand A 23.9 Hour Work Day 0:00 3
30 President Clinton Is Written Up By His "Total Bitch" Supervisor 0:00 2
31 Congress Has Approved The Americans With No Abilities Act 0:00 5
32 A New High-Viscosity Mayonnaise Will Help Americans Swallow 0:00 2
33 The Collectable Plate Industry Has Called For The Tragic Death Of Barbara Striesand 0:00 2
34 Hitler Was Wrong! 0:00 1
35 McDonald's Unveils A New All-Beef Bun 0:00 8
36 The President's Head Has Been Sawed Off 0:00 3
37 Philip Morris Lawyers Deny Cigarettes Are Cylindrical 0:00 3
38 A New Cereal For the Poor Stays Crunchy In Water 0:00 2
39 A Revolutionary New Asper-Shirt Relieves Torso Pain 0:00 2
40 The Vatican Unveils Its New Pope Signal 0:00 5
41 Greenpeace Releases Dolphins Into The Forest 0:00 3
42 A Local Wal-Mart Greeter Is At Death's Door 0:00 3
43 Richard Simmons Is Fighting For His Life In An Estrogen Tent 0:00 2
44 A Lucky Dead Student Gets His Own Page In The High School Yearbook 0:00 3
45 The NRA Changes Its Focus From Guns To Penmanship 0:00 3
46 I Am A Bad Ass 0:00 0
47 Quincy Suspects Murder 0:00 16
48 Jews are Celebrating Rosh Hashasha, or Something 0:00 3
49 Bourbon Helps An Area Carpet Salesman Forget About Carpeting For A While 0:00 3
50 White Castle Plundered By Turks 0:00 499
51 Rocker Ted Nugent's New Cologne Has Been Tested On Every Known Animal 0:00 1
52 Don King Enjoys a Grandilomentitudinous Sandwich 0:00 3
53 A Family Dog Is Suspected In A Miniature Chuck Wagon Disaster 0:00 1
54 An Utter Failure Plans To Spend The Rest Of The Day In Bed 0:00 5
55 Congress Has Lowered The Killing Age To Nineteen 0:00 2
56 Scandal In The Special Olympics 0:00 15
57 It's Not a Crack House, It's A Crack Home 0:00 24
58 An Area Man Busts His Ass All Day, And For What? 0:00 2
59 Mongol Warriors Have Sacked And Pillaged The U.S. 0:00 3
60 A Hate Crime Bill Is Stalled By The Pro-Hate Lobby 0:00 3
61 80% Of Americans Are In Favor Of Storming The Castle And Destroying The Inhuman… 0:00 2
62 A Man With Heart Disease Eagerly Awaits The Death Of A Young Boy 0:00 3
63 The Face Of Jesus Is Seen On A Miracle Hippie 0:00 4
64 An Ant Is Born 0:00 20
65 Babies Are Stupid 0:00 19
66 NRA President Charlton Heston - A Hebrew? 0:00 3
67 A Coffeehouse Encounter Results In Conversation And Cunnilingus 0:00 5
68 A Drunken Man Makes An Interesting Point About Society 0:00 6
69 A Local Masturbator Gets All The Latest Swimwear News On E! 0:00 2
70 Onion Finest News Reporting Vol. 1 Conclusion 0:00 0

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