Kieran Haynes is the current chairman of The Black Maria Memorial Fund. Since his appointment in August 2004, Mr Haynes has masterminded a series of difficult but essential procedural overhauls, facilitating the ongoing expansion of The Fund's work.
In the Spring 2007 issue of Twwwang! magazine, Mr Haynes spoke passionately about his commitment to The Memorial Fund, prompting interviewer Buddy Croquet to pronounce: "Yes, our climate is changing, yes, our seas are rising, and yes, we are daily learning new levels of fear and distrust for our fellow man, but we should not underestimate the comfort and relief that can be attained though knowledge, specifically the knowledge that a steady pair of hands is helming the good ship The Black Maria Memorial Fund into the new millennium."
Recent staff restructuring has led to a number of changes at management level, including the recruitment of Windom 'The Wooden' Owl as Head of Personnel. Mr Owl brings with him over a decade's experience in the charitable sector, and in his youth had a brief but distinguished career as a character actor - notable appearances included Disney's 1985 arthouse phenomenon Zebra Mince, in which he played the eponymous hero, and 1989's controversial Surgeons Know Best in which he played God.
The Fund is also pleased to currently count amongst its number Mr Roger Illingworth, who is kindly lending his considerable expertise to the Finance Department. Mr Illingworth officially retired from the business world in 1999, following the successful flotation of his dotcom company ….Com which, as history duly notes, provided the first quick and reliable sentence finishing service to a global public. The firm were also pioneers in the wider ellipsis market, making cheap personalised ellipses available to the slow thinker, the elderly, the dying, the drunk, William Shatner and Tim Gudgin.
Rose Malone and Patrick Durkan head up The Black Maria Memorial Fund's PR team, the former brightening our offices with her fondness for gnomes. Mr Durkan has a long association with The Fund, and first met Mr Haynes on his gap year, both working as gravediggers to Croydon's rich and famous.
At fundraising concerts Mr Haynes and Mr Owl perform musical lectures for the improvement of their audience. Other members of The Fund also frequently appear to provide accompaniment, and sometimes actually do.