• 50 Shades of Sami

    12 Jun 2012, 06:04 by Trexacious

    Sami Vänskä was strapped down to a table. Jeez, not like that. He was strapped down because a doctor was extracting his DNA. The doctor's sharp point penetrated Sami (The point of a needle stuck in his arm, you perv)

    "OOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!" screamed Sami. He didn't like the pain... He loved it! wink

    "I love pain," Sami said S&Mly.

    "Oh God, I cannot wait to retire..." sighed the doctor. He left the room to process the SVA (Samieoxyribovänskäcid)

    ***********************

    If you're wondering why Sami's getting his DNA sucked out of him, be a little more fucking patient. I'm getting to that part.

    As everyone knows, Sami's shining accomplishment (one of his many, anyway) was being the best member of Nightwish. But as Tuomas grew jealous of Sami's great skill, he fired him from the band. Oh, no... wait, Tuomas is a pussarific manchild and asked the band's manager to do it for him.

    Sami was then shunned by the world... …
  • Silversun Pickups – Neck of the Woods (The Revenge of Weird Alternarock)

    7 Jun 2012, 09:48 by jerkjones

    Once again, this is some jerk on the internet, judging you and haphazardly throwing sentence fragments and parentheses around like fish in Seattle and former Yugoslav republics voting for each other on Eurovision (the only real winner of that shit was the Slovakian presenter chick). I lied about what was coming next…I got tired of reviewing metal-ish or symphonic-ish shit. I’m not sorry. Some people asked for this…if they didn’t specifically ask for this. That made sense in my head, I swear.

    For the record, trying to sleep <15 minutes after listening to Shitload of Money is impossible. It’s like fighting a bear…oh right I’m talking about Sonata Arctica…it’s like fighting a rabid wolf before trying to sleep; it’s JUST NOT FUCKING HAPPENING. So, I guess I’ll write an official review for Neck Of The Woods, an album that most of you jerks who frequent this god-forsaken corner of the internet have probably never heard of. WELL GUESS WHAT, YOU FUCKING WILL NOW. Unless you skip the rest, it’s not like I can stop you, anyway. …