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Here Come the Mummies

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Over 5000 years ago, from the dry stretches of the not-so-fertile crescent wandered a nomadic, foul smelling people. A robust, well-endowed, and manly tribe, they were united through ancient rituals involving instruments capable of infinite fonkiness and overt sekshul innuendo. The Pharaoh, a mean mother (shutcho’ mouth), hated the nomads and their ability to shred like a mofo all up in that biatch. But more than that, he hated the power of their righteous grooving to make drop the tunics of his five luscious teenage daughters. One night, the Pharaoh found the nomads dressed as mummies and creating grooves in an effort to compromise the moral integrity of his five daughters. The angry Pharaoh cursed the nomads (already conveniently dressed as mummies) with a spell so vile, that seeing its name in print here would make your eyes melt and flow freely from their sockets. Already doomed, these nomads fled into the night, at last finding refuge in the abandoned caves of the Unleavened Jews. But when the sun rose the following morning, the Pharoah’s curse had taken hold, and these were men no more. For years, scholars of the ancient world wondered what became of this group. Theories citing the Mummies’ involvement in historical events from the Siege of Troy to the sacking of Rome, the fall of Pompeii and the sinking of Atlantis were initially scoffed at and dismissed as parlor quackery.

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