Marcelo Cabuli Official Fan Club

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Leader: jerkjones
Criteri di appartenenza: Aperto
Data creazione: 22 Ago 2009
The greatest man alive. Read his story and commit it to memory.

**The following is taken directly from the last copy of an ancient manuscript, found in a secret vault deep within the diamond mines of South Africa.**

The Shocking True Story of the immortal prophet/genius/madman/hero/businessman (in chronological order) Marcelo Cabuli

Chapter One: The Manifestation

Thousands of years ago, in a small valley just outside what would one day become Buenos Aires, a lowly monk named Roberto Schneider (yes, it's exactly who you think it is) shuffled his way to the local church. Now, many people in the present believe there wasn’t any organized religion in South America 2500 years ago. They, of course, are WRONG. Anyway, about that time, the heavens suddenly opened over Roberto, and a loud voice proclaimed, “BEHOLD, MY CHILDREN! THE SAVIOR COMETH!” A small child then descended from the heavens, and was magicked into the arms of Roberto, granting Roberto eternal life. The child quickly adapted to the human form, and assumed a visage that had striking resemblance to Roberto himself.

Roberto pondered his unprecedented situation for a moment, then began, “I shall name you—“

“NO YOU IDIOT HIS NAME IS MARCELO CABULI!” The Creator buzzed loudly into his skull.

“Oh, okay then.” Roberto sulked, then continued about his business, with little Marcelo in tow. Little did he know that the small child would soon become the greatest hero ever known to mankind.

Note: The date was January 1st. This date previously had no meaning, but since this event was so momentous, it has come to be known as the start of a new year.

Chapter Two: The Reckoning

Marcelo quickly showed amazing aptitude in knowledge, fighting, magic, TV/VCR repair, and sex. He became a local hero with his amazing prophecies, but many did not accept his rise to glory. Some claimed that Marcelo was the herald of doom, and must be destroyed before he brought shame to the Argentine people. Of course, it did not help when the detractors suddenly died horrible deaths. Determined to show his great worth, Marcelo set out to accomplish the first of his glorious feats. He proceeded to warp space and time and suddenly appeared in Poland. He then arbitrated the Poland Power Provision, where he stated his status as the savior of mankind and then...provided power. Some claimed that Marcelo was the herald of doom, and must be destroyed before he brought shame to the human race. Of course, it did not help when the detractors suddenly died horrible deaths.

Chapter Three: The Glorious Feats

Marcelo then accomplished these feats, in no particular order.

Grand Reckoning of Madrid
Siege of the Vatican
The Glorious Vengeance of Terry
The Amazing Time Travel Sage Wars
The Robo-Maple Wars of Canada
HyperStalin's Last Stand
The Razing of Megalopolis
The Invasion of Ultra Mars: The Musical
Space Mongol Napalm Day
Journey to the Center of the Sun
The Horrendous Arrival of Ron Mexico
Saving Eastern Uzbekistan
The Jolly Destruction of the Space Pirates from Alpha Centauri
A Vacation in Kiribati
The Poland Power Provision
Man-Tiger's Siege of Frankfurt
The Hunt For 100 foot tall Macho Man Randy Savage
Crazy Copenhagen Future-Cops
I'm Serious I'm Bleeding This Time
Siege of the South Sandwich Islands
Assault of the Flying Hillbillies
Hay Let's Rebuild the Planet Cause It Just Fell Apart
Marcelo vs. Halley's Comet
Gorilla Raft
Marcelo Invents Las Vegas
Crab Invasion of Proto-Kansas
No One is Safe in Robo-Liberia
The Bigger Bang
Wonderheroes Collide
Rise of The Baconator
Caesar is Not Just a Salad, motherfuckers
Marcelo Invents Chicken
The Fall of M. Bison
Rebirth of Psycho-Churchill
Nobody Come In I'm Naked
The Delightful Destruction of Doha
The Great Thundering
Magnificent Massacre of Manchester
Sticky Situation, Sweden is Somehow Involved
Not So Quaint in Quito
Creepy Guy Assault of Helsinki
Terror in Turin
Zany Zagreb Zoology Zymurgy
Shivering Sluts On Ice: Marcelo’s Weekend on Europa
Return of the Moon Mammoth Brigade
Red Tide: It's Not Algae (It's Actually Blood)
It Won't Hurt That Much
Famous Last Words
JK YOU GUYS LMAO: Rebirth of Nightwish
The Doctor Said It Was Fungal
The Venusian in Venice
Merlin Strikes Back
Marcelo vs. The Pope
Marcelo vs. 500 foot Confucius
Marcelo Invents Heroin
Marcelo Invents Spaceboarding
Marcelo Invents Sex
Marcelo Invents the Stationwagon
LOL: Marcelo Invents Acronyms
One Day in the Mariana Trench
Marcelo Drives His Silver Motorhome into Jupiter and Creates Pudding
Digi-zebra Invastion of Mogadishu
Dave's Time Cow and the Search for the Craisin Recipe
Revenge of the Tomorrow Samurai
Revenge of the Danish Future-Cops
The Danish Danish
The Search for Gary’s Heroes Season Two DVD
Where the Hell are Marcelo’s Keys and Who Will Pay For it in Blood
I Told You It Wouldn’t Fit

Once he completed all of these glorious happenings, most of the earth’s population was convinced that Marcelo was the next great hero of mankind. Of course, there was one notable detractor.

Chapter Four: The Nemesis

At about the same time as the descent of Marcelo from the heavens, a large volcano in Finland exploded, and a small child rose from the ash and fire. He was intercepted by an unknown Finnish warlord, and quickly became the greatest warrior in European history. As Marcelo rose to prominence, the fury of Tuomas grew. That’s right, his name was Tuomas Holopainen. (pause for gasp) Okay, so once the two were set in their glory, Tuomas issued a challenge to Marcelo, where he vowed he would destroy his nemesis and his armies in space combat over Siberia. In the winter of 100 BC, they went to war. After a long and bloody struggle, only Tuomas and Marcelo remained. They entered hand-to-hand combat, which was so intense that it ravaged the entire globe, and destroyed most advanced civilization. It would take about 2100 years for the earth to reach its previous technological levels. After the battle ended with the Great Explosion of Constantinople, the two exhausted warriors were taken in and protected by their respective overseeing deities, to return one day in the future, when the world would need them once again.

Chapter Five: The Return

For many years, the world feared that their heroes were dead. Slowly, all record of anything that ever happened in this timeframe was lost, and scholars invented a new history for the missing years. The actual events of these years completely passed from memory. Then, about 30 years ago, the heroes returned. Now, with the two realizing their destinies once again, all-out conflict appears just around the corner. The lines will be drawn, and many will die. Which side will you choose?

Here beginneth the recent legendary adventures of our hero

The Power Corollary

As the first shot of the epic battle of good and evil was fired, a disturbance in the space-time continuum was detected by Marcelo. When he zeroed in on the location, he discovered all was not well in the little town of Reginald Heights, New Zealand. A gigantic crater now stood where the market once was. Marcelo's gigantic brain twitched slightly, and he expertly dodged a semi-truck that had been casually tossed at him by, OF COURSE, none other than his ancient nemesis, TIME TRAVELING NUCLEAR ZOMBIE JFK JUNIOR, and his loyal sidekick, CRIPPLED ALEXANDER THE GREAT WITH CHAINSAW HANDS. Marcelo quickly realized that, for the first time ever, he might be overmatched. JFK and Alex had somehow acquired new and dangerous powers, perhaps from a journey to the Universe of Ultimate Power, an amazing place of milk and honey, which also happens to have POWERS, lead poisoning, zombifying bushes, and everyone has to drive a Toyota.

For no reason, Alex informed Marcelo that he had contracted lead poisoning and was crippled in a Toyota accident, while JFK had become a zombie.

Marcelo nodded solemnly, then punched a brick of lead into Alexander's brain, pushing him over the acceptable lead limit, causing his bones to explode inside of his body, which of course attracted Halley's Comet to strike the Earth. The resulting detonation destroyed what was left of Alexander, and launched Marcelo and JFK several billion miles into the air. Their trajectory placed them on a collision course with the wormhole that was the gateway to the PAIN UNIVERSE. In the PAIN UNIVERSE, seven out of every ten doctors inform you that you need a lobotomy and your left pinky finger removed without anaesthesia, and Michael Douglas refuses to jump start your car, or even let you call AAA or a taxi on his cell phone for your escape. The doctors then let you know that they will be performing the surgery drunk, and with broken wine bottles instead of scalpels.

Marcelo didn't feel like escaping from that again, so he engaged in combat with JFK. JFKJr attempted his signature move, which of course is a piledriver with side twist brain laser and drop into Sirius. Marcelo quickly evaded that insanity, and countered with his signature move, PUNCH UNTIL DEAD. JFK screamed with rage, but
being that he was in space, no one heard him. Marcelo couldn't get his usual force behind his nuclear bomb-like fists due to the lack of gravity, so he created his signature gravity vortex and pushed JFK a couple light-years to the left, directly into the Pain Universe entrance.

Being that JFK was a gigantic wuss at heart, he was not expected to survive. Marcelo arrived back on Earth a few seconds later, ready to resume his war.

The Suicide Hotline

As everyone knows, the only thing Marcelo fears is weakness itself. Thus, as evidenced by his thousands of promotional photographs, he is either working out, having sex, or beating someone up 24 hours a day, except on Sundays. Now, you may ask, "Well being that he is pretty much a deity at this point, why stop on Sundays?" Well, being that he has murdered billions of people at this point, he is on probation and still has a few million hours of community service to knock out. So, he spent this Sunday (that's right, it's today OMFG I KNOW RIGHT)working at a local suicide hotline. The following is a transcript of one of his calls...perhaps the most mind-blowing conversation in the history of mankind...


Marcelo: Hello you've reached Jerry's Don't Kill Yo'self Hotline, where the fun never ends. My name is Marcelo.
Caller: in THE Marcelo?
Marcelo: (attempting to cover phone and talk to himself) Oh fuck I forgot to use my fake name!
Caller: Hello?
Marcelo: Uh yeah what I meant to say was: "Hello, my name is Scott."
Caller: You just said your name is Marcelo. Like Marcelo Cabuli...and your accent sounds weird for a guy named Scott.
Marcelo: Well, I'm definitely not Marcelo Cabuli.
Caller: Yeah, you totally are! I mean, you've only got the most noticeable voice in the universe...
Caller: Actually, not really. I don't suppose you recognize MY voice, Marcelo?
Marcelo: Uhhh...Oprah?
Caller: No.
Marcelo: Nicolas Cage?
Caller: NO!
Marcelo: Alex Turner?
Caller: WRONG!!!
Marcelo: Oh wait couldn't be you!
Caller: That's right Marcelo...this is your ancient nemesis...EVIL HELEN KELLER.
Marcelo: No, I'm almost positive that this is Barack know you owe me, right?
Marcelo: Okay, jesus, wait how the hell did you know I didn't have a Scott-esque accent, being deaf?
EHK: Uh, I'm using TTY, duh.
Marcelo: I'm pretty sure it doesn't work like that, also aren't you blind too?
EHK: what
Marcelo: what
EHK: what
Marcelo: what
EHK: what
Marcelo: what
Marcelo: So, anyway, why did you call a suicide hotline?
EHK: Well, the thing is, I failed to kill you so many times, that my place in the world seems unclear.
Marcelo: Yeah it probably should, since I think you've been dead for about 42 years.
EHK: Well yeah I probably have been dead since 1968, but it doesn't really matter, because I'm calling from the year 1931.
EHK: Yeah, and right now, I'm standing over your crippled body, shortly after your destruction of PSYCHO NIKOLA TESLA, SERBIAN LAWBRINGER EDITION.
Marcelo: Yeah that fight was kinda rough, who knew that guy had one hell of a right hook?
EHK: You're missing the point. I'm about to kill you in the year 1931, thus making you disappear in the year 2010. Then, the world would no longer have a constant defender and savior in the 79 years hence, meaning that the earth would slip into chaos, and my people can rule the world once again!
Marcelo: tl;dr
Marcelo: yeah that's right



You only get so many chances for redemption when it comes to our mutual friend and savior, Marcelo Cabuli(or saviour if that's your thing, I don't judge, well, actually I do, but not right now). Many of his enemies have become trusted allies over time, most notably FDR's evil twin (STEVEN ROOSEVELT) and IRRADIATED TOM HANKS. So when the invitation came in the mail to attend Marcelo's most hated nemesis' Lake Party...Marcelo decided he would give Tuomas Holopainen another chance to redeem himself, even though he had attempted to kill Marcelo the previous 17,000 times. Marcelo blinked four times, and teleported deep into the dark heart of Finland.

Sure enough, when he arrived, Tuomas was dressed in his BATTLE-GARB, which, of course, is a pair of ridiculously small underwear, a beer, and a cigarette. Marcelo superhumanly suppressed his overwhelming urge to vomit, and then entered BATTLE MODE. He had been antagonized by this evil being for the final time. Tuomas took a swig of his beer, and 30,000 of his FINNISH KEYBOARD-LOVING SNOW NINJAS attacked from all angles. With a flick of his wrist, Marcelo altered space and time, and created a small black hole, which swallowed up the majority of Tuomas' cronies. Enraged, Tuomas entered the fray himself, accidentally killing several of his ninjas when he summoned his patented 50-FOOT SWORD O' MADNESS. Marcelo countered by summoning his legendary 51-FOOT STAFF O' EVIL SLAYING. And then, after many thousands of years of preparation, thousands of years of the world waiting with bated breath, the final epic battle between good and evil had finally begun.

Or so we thought.

Tuomas flew at Marcelo with blinding speed, shocking Marcelo with his rapidity. Marcelo barely swatted away Tuomas' first slash, and countered with a blast of THUNDERFIRE. Tuomas erected a forcefield of guitar drowned out by keyboards and violin, and brought in a female lead singer, because apparently no forcefield of music is complete without that. Marcelo shrugged slightly, and summoned 437 bolts of lightning to destroy the forcefield, which sent a violin player tumbling directly into Tuomas' face. Stunned, Tuomas dropped to one knee, allowing Marcelo to punch him directly in the right wrist, which as everyone knows, is Tuomas' lone weak point. Tuomas screamed in agony. Just then, Marcelo's phone rang. With the battle well in hand, Marcelo locked Tuomas in a FULL NELSON OF CHAOS, and answered his phone.

Marcelo: This is Marcelo, WHO THIS IS???
Someone: Well, well, if it isn't my old friend.
Marcelo: (FUCK I FORGOT MY FAKE NAME AGAIN!!!!!) uh...I mean...this is Jerry?
Someone: Silence!!!!!!!!
Marcelo: What
Someone: If this is "Jerry", why do you sound exactly like my old nemesis, Marcelo Cabuli?
Marcelo: Uh, because I do a great impression of your god?
Someone: NO WAY!!!!! Stop pretending you don't know who I am! If it weren't for you, I may have eventually taken her for myself!!
Marcelo: I supposed to guess who you are? Because I'm blanking here.
Someone: You stole her away from us, just when I was about to seal the deal! I even picked out names for our future kids!! 10th Man Down or FantasMic for a boy, and Nymphomaniac Fantasia for a girl!
Marcelo: this Jason Statham?
Someone: You know who I am. Because of you, I developed an unhealthy attraction to keyboards! Surely you've seen the incriminating photographs...
Marcelo: Uh...that's pretty fucked up...Charlie Sheen?
Marcelo: can't be you??
Someone: Yeah, that's right, it's-
Marcelo: HULK HOGAN??
Marcelo: ha, i'm just kidding, how are you, Tuomas?
Marcelo: Why?
Tuomas: sioaguioasdjgoiasdjvboiioavjsdghposdkhpofkgbpoxzfkhpodfphoskdfo
Marcelo: Wait, aren't I about to kill you?

Marcelo took this opportunity to look at the Tuomas that he had trapped in his FULL NELSON OF CHAOS, and it still appeared to be Tuomas himself. And he wasn't on the phone.

Tuomas: Yes, you fell for my flawless plan...and now...FOR YOUR DEATH!

Suddenly, the Tuomas in Marcelo's arms exploded in a chaotic storm of fire and brimstone. Shielded by his minions, Marcelo looked at what remained of the false Tuomas, and was stunned.

It was his old nemesis-turned-ally, IRRADIATED TOM HANKS, complete with his minions, THE 27,000 AGITATED FILM CRITICS. Hanks nodded solemnly, and attempted to use Marcelo's own legendary maneuver, the devastating PUNCH UNTIL DEAD. Marcelo looked into the future and saw it coming, so he expertly countered with the TOUCH OF DEATH. Hanks died. The film critics fled.

Once again, Marcelo saved the world. The planet would have to wait for another day for its fate to be decided. That day, however, was fast approaching.

Marcelo Goes on Vacation

Marcelo vs. The South (And Our Mutual Scumbag Friend)

If Marcelo Norman Juan Carlos Santana Hermano Bolivar Rivera Santos de Soto Cabuli is anything, he's fucking thorough. That's why your hero Mr. Cabuli was out re-killing some of his nemeses one day, when suddenly someone buzzed into his brain with a TELEPATHOCALL (patent pending). He knew instantly that it was that damn hooker again the love of his life, Tarja. She informed him that there was a sweet party going on in Memphis, and he should make the world explode with happiness by attending. So, Marcelo finished re-killing GENGHIS RICHARD NIXON, and teleported to the seedy heart of Memphis.

And waiting for him was serious motherfucking trouble. Once again, Tarja had been kidnapped, for the purpose of luring Marcelo into a trap. Marcelo, again being thorough, had memorized a list of every criminal in the known universe, and this creature standing before him was one of the most notorious, especially in corners of the internet frequented by rabid fangirls, youtube all-stars, shitty reviewers/journal writers that hide behind pseudonyms and write crazy-as-fuck fanfics about Argentine businessmen who are married to outcast Nightwish members that are weirdly popular in Brazil, and Nuclear Blast content destroyers.

The man standing in front of your god, of course, was THE ARCHITECT OF DOMESTIC DESTRUCTION (and bodily harm), Zachtronius (Zack) W. Snyder. Marcelo had closely followed with dismay his villainous presence on the internet of late, and was pleased that he would now have the chance to destroy him once and for all. Snyder took out his trusty iPhone (that he unsuccessfully tried to hide), fucked around with it for a few seconds, and croaked, “Blooming shaft, On the assumption that it isn't my superannuated compatriot, Marcelo Cabuli! Salutations, satisfactory knight, as a consequence receive gracious admittance to glorious Memphis. Nevertheless, inasmuch as you...AFOREMENTIONED MEMPHIS IS ABADDON.”

Marcelo cocked his head slightly. “English isn't my first or even 537th language, but I'm pretty sure what you just said sounds completely fucking stupid. Did you run every word through a thesaurus?”


“Yeah, I know. Anyway, you should just give up. I've ruined all the ladies on this planet for any other man...if you can actually call yourself one.” Marcelo cackled at his opponent, watching Snyder's oddly -shaped head turn a dark maroon with pent-up domestic rage.

Marcelo was about to make the perfect joke involving an overripe plum and bodily harm, when Snyder somehow composed himself enough to form sentences, and said, “Ha, that's what you think, Marcelo. Thanks to my new bros for life, THE NEO-CONFEDERATE ASSAULT-STARS, I have the most powerful, confusing, and pointless weapon ever conceived!!!”

“Those were some big words for you, Snyder. How did that just happen?”

“Yeah bro, they made me some nice little cue cards, too. They said it was so my little…talking…times could be a little more epic and less retarded. Okay, now the next card...FOOL!!! PREPARE TO WITNESS THE AWESOME DESTRUCTIVE FORCE OF THE ABDUCTOR REVERSO-CANNON!!!!”

“The...what the fuck?”

“YEAH BRO, I...fuck, next card...”

Marcelo didn't really fucking care what this weird-as-fuck machine was actually going to do (but in another way, he did), and he especially didn't care what other crap the Neo-Feds wanted to say through their dumb-as-fuck figurehead...the figurehead that was currently attempting to decipher his latest index card. After 1.3 seconds of deliberation, Marcelo decided that was enough retardation for one day, and made his move. Unfortunately, the Neo-Feds were waiting for it, even if Snyder was blissfully unaware, as his mental capacity was overloaded by the multi-syllabic words he was still robotically churning through.

As Marcelo leapt toward his target, Memphis instantly transformed, killing thousands of unsuspecting pedestrians, and revealed its true nature: The hellish death-trap of the Neo-Feds. The entire city folded in on itself, revealing millions of turrets, lasers, killbots, all that good stuff. Snyder seemed stuck on a particularly long word. Marcelo, still in flight, nodded solemnly, and as the first lasers burned into action, he entered HYPERDRIVE KILL-MODE.

Snyder had only time to mutter “Fuck.” In his rampage of awesomeness, Marcelo simply incinerated Snyder, rendering his domestic violence talents useless in the encounter. So, that explains why you haven't seen him lately (OR DOES IT???). But none of that shit mattered to Marcelo, as his redneck was in a different castle. He would take this battle straight to the top, to the leader of the Neo-Feds himself. Suddenly, Marcelo's unstoppable rampage was interrupted as he caught sight of the Neo-Fed adopted headquarters, CASTLE MEMPHIS.

As he gazed upon the Castle from the relative safety of the ruins that he had just created (yes, already), he heard the motors of THE CANNON start to spin up.


THE CANNON fired with the force of the fucking death star or something, and everything went dark. The last thing that Marcelo heard was the shrill scream of the undead.


Next Time: Team Sami: Infiltration Squad!

Marcelo Approved Battlegroups: KingMichael's Gay Commune, Tarjaholics Anonymous

Be sure to preach glories of Marcelo in here

Marcelo would also like to take this opportunity to demand your presence here

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