Last night's events [slash] How fat was the girl that molested you?

 
  • Last night's events [slash] How fat was the girl that molested you?

    In all honesty, this thread needed to be here. It has been an unattended blossom in all of us. We will now harness this amorphous creature and flesh out all of it's hilarities. Skip the niceties. Let's cut right to fat bitches puking on themselves and how much beer that one girl kegstanded before she released her chum onto the keg itself. And how much we are exploiting these events not only now for comedy, but in the moment as well.

    Hey, Todd Palin, I just finished coloring your wife's book.
  • Oh and if you guys are as sick and twisted (and cool) as I am, you will love this site:

    http://www.sickanimation.com/cartoons.html

    Check out:
    both Saspers
    Dead Parents
    Donald's Pizza Heaven
    The Pup Show

    Theyre all pretty funny.

    Hey, Todd Palin, I just finished coloring your wife's book.
    • mir83nj said...
    • User
    • 1 May 2006, 08:41
    Hahahaha dude, you rule.

    I'm still at work, but I actually have to do shit, but I will impart my friday night events when I get home.

    But you are 100000% correct, this thread needed to be started. Even if no one but the two of us post on it, should prove to be good times.

    Oh, and

    PS: she was really fat. And gross.

    I can't wait to get started on this :)

    "I've always considered writing the most hateful kind of work. I suspect it's a bit like fucking, which is only fun for amateurs. Old whores don't do much giggling." -HST
    • mir83nj said...
    • User
    • 1 May 2006, 23:13
    Alriiiiiiiight, here we go!!

    Ok, so I've decided to give a more detailed account of Thursday night rather than Friday because it's just a better story, and I don't want to start this off with a weak one.

    So a girl I've been seeing for a couple weeks invites me out to some psuedo-mexican post-work happy hour margaritas place in Midtown East called Rio Grande. Immediately after I get there, I fucking hate it. Douchebag 30-40 year olds in suits, getting sloppy drunk and trying to cop feels on their 24 year old subordinates and secretaries...blegh

    So I meet up with the girl and her friends, which includes her fat ugly obnoxious roommate that I met before. First impression was horrible, but she was actually not so horrible to hang out with. Boy did she change that tonight.

    Anyway, so Chunky McPukeStyle (her new name btw) keeps feeding my lady-friend margaritas (which were apparently very strong) and by the time we leave, she's kind of sloppy. I guess there could be worse things in the world, but by the time we cleared out of that bar and went across the street to some Irish pub, she was woozy, dizzy and not having much fun. Way to kill the night, Chunky!

    So after putting her in a cab and sending her home, I head back in to drown my sorrows with my good friend Johnny Walker. I order a round of shots for the remaining party (which now includes their intimidatingly good-looking gay theatre actor friend who starts a run on "Chicago" next month).

    When the bartender gives us the drinks (there's nothing more sobering than ordering one round and getting a bill for $60 btw...) I notice they're pretty much doubles. So I warn them not to try to pound the whole thing, especially since 12-year-old scotch is meant to be sipped, not "slammed" as the gay guy and McPukeStyle kept insinuating...

    Sure enough, McPukeStyle tries to shoot the whole thing, and immediately bends over (gross!) a table and starts puking into a pint glass. Classy!

    After she fills the pint glass, she tries to hold the remaining mouth diarrhea in her mouth with her hand, succeeding in only providing some artful imagery of blended chicken quesadilla pooling in her palm and running in between her fingers. Yum!

    I send the thespian and the newly arrived friend "mitzy" (sweet name btw...not really) into the bathroom with her (I'm the only one who can't go in the girls' bathroom) and start talking to some Asian girl (I've got a pretty bad fetish, btw) who I recently discovered I had some roundabout connection with. Apparently McPukeStyle cleans up, doesn't miss a beat, and it's off to the next bar.

    At this point I've decided I've bought everyone enough drinks, and I'm going to let everyone else pay from then on. Apparently, to Chunky McPukeStyle, because I'm letting her buy me drinks, that means I want her to take advantage of me. Blegh.

    So we migrate to some bar on Park Avenue that "mitzy" (yes, I'm going to put that in quotes every time) knows about...ps: is it ironic that the Jewish girl is the one that sends us to the bar on Park Ave? I think not.

    Anyway, once there the groping starts. Chunky manages to bum me a cigarette off of some depressed Wall Streeter (I've been leaving mine at home since the girls I date don't smoke), and once we head outside to smoke it, she starts rubbing on me. I have no idea why I didn't start puking from disgust immediately, but it might have to do with me not trying to be a dick to the roommate of someone I'm dating. Either way, while I thought I was fine, apparently I was pretty hammered, and I didn't even remember that happening until my brain rewind the next day (on those special nights, memories come back to me piece by piece...nice to know my brain as been consistently battered by alcohol). She came dangerously close to touching my junk, but I think I was able to escape back inside and run back home without incident by promising her I'd try to get her on my softball team...I just wish at the time I had remembered the hands that were molesting me were the ones she'd puked in...

    But I survived, and for the most part unharmed (except for the permanent damage on my psyche)...I haven't seen either of them since, but it's only been a few days. I hope I scored enough brownie points...I certainly earned them.

    "I've always considered writing the most hateful kind of work. I suspect it's a bit like fucking, which is only fun for amateurs. Old whores don't do much giggling." -HST
  • OK
    a) The fact that Pukey was trying to molest you with her Barf Meat-Claws is fucking gross.
    b) I don't necessarily have an Asian fetish, but somehow, my last 3 girl hookups were fucking asian. I can't break the cycle. Fuck. I'm like trying to avoid thinking that I have a fetish. I don't. Do I?

    I am pressed for time, but in 2 days time, I will relate to you a funnier story than you have related to me. The story is called "The Tale of Hardcore Girl" --as I throw a handful of sand on the fire all Are-You-Afraid-Of-The-Dark style.

    Hey, Todd Palin, I just finished coloring your wife's book.
    • mir83nj said...
    • User
    • 2 May 2006, 03:38
    Haha. Meat claws...

    I wish I could say my last 3 hookups were Asian...I look forward to your story.

    Are we keeping it to the "what happened last night/weekend" or are archived stories eligible?

    PS: Are You Afraid of the Dark? Sweet...takes me back...

    "I've always considered writing the most hateful kind of work. I suspect it's a bit like fucking, which is only fun for amateurs. Old whores don't do much giggling." -HST
  • This story just evolved into allowing Archives. Because, well, no fat slob chicks were deeply involved in last night's debauchery. But, "Last night's events" stories are preferred.

    So this story was last year, first semester at my private college, Central PA. We go out back of this downtown frat-related house to this party, swear to god it was the first week of the semester. Me, my year older brother Matt, and our good friend Mike. We start drinking and I over hear this girl saying she could out drink any guy.
    "I've had years of practice," she continues.
    Oh shit. I focused Matt and Mikes attention on this girl. She is a freshmen, 17 or 18, short chick reminiscent of Toadstool. Big midsection, small head, dyed red short haircut (mushroom style). Flat out fugly.
    I said, "Shit, you are hardcore."
    "Yeah, I've been drinking since I was 14."
    I stared thinking about the Curl Up and Die song - Hardcore Since I was 10. I said, "My compliments, hardcore girl."
    Matt chimes in, "So you can out-drink any guy here?"
    She responds, "Most likely."
    Shit let's fucking start. she was already obviously a little drunk.

    "Hey, let's see who can chug these beer's faster," I said. "Go Fill up your beer." She hurries to the keg. Matt wanders off. Mike's eyes light up.

    She comes back with a heaping cup of beer. Solo cups, mind you. I said, "Ok. 1, 2, 3, GO!"

    I down my quarter of a beer in a swig. She downs her beer in like, oh, say, 10 seconds.

    Me: Shit you beat me.
    Her: HAHA yeah!
    Me: That wasn't fair, let's go again.

    She fills up her cup again. I don't move from my spot. I talk to Mike and am surprised that she comes back wanting another round.

    "Go!" In like 15 seconds, she "beats" me again. Me and my empty beer cup that I slanted back to my lips. Mike is almost on the ground cracking up, she's oblivious to most of this. A small crowd is forming.

    We go one more round, me never moving from my position in the backyard of this house. The joke got a little stale and she was starting to slur. Mike and I walked off to another part of the back yard. Five minutes later, I catch sight of Toadstool wavering hardcore. She's gonna fall! Bam slams right down in the beer mud.

    "Mike, are you fucking seeing this!?"
    "Oh shit dude."

    She was wallowing around in the mud like a battered baby seal. She wasn't even trying to get up. What the fuck was she doing? People were giving her the what-the-fuck sideways glance. She was actually trying to get a hold of her cup that she dropped. Mike and I lost it. We were cracking up, yet also a little scared. We booked out of the party. Mike started hitting on/talking to some girl at another house so I peaced out.

    I get a voice message from Mike the next morning. I'm hungover and walking back from breakfast at about 2pm. This is the message, almost verbatim:

    "Dude, Dan, it's Mike. I'm standing here outside of [frat name]'s downtown house. I'm watching Hardcore Girl right now. She's being loaded into the back of an ambulance on a stretcher. Apparently her friends left her and the kids all kicked her out of the party for being belligerent. She stumbled right next door and tried to turn the handle. There wasn't even a fucking party going on there. The door was locked. She fell and passed out right on the steps. Dude, you sent some girl to the hospital."

    We had a good laugh about this on my radio show that day. For a semester we compared everyone to hardcore girl. We saw hardcore girl at a party next semester. We told Matt we would pay him 5 bucks to dance with her. Hilarious. We never paid him.

    Hey, Todd Palin, I just finished coloring your wife's book.
    • mir83nj said...
    • User
    • 3 May 2006, 23:57
    HAHAHA beautiful...I love embarrassing people, especially girls (Been getting embarrassed by girls since I was 10, so I guess it's payback)

    The best part about that story is that it reminded me of like 3 or 4 more stories...most of them short and anecdotal, so I'll toss a couple in here real quick...

    First, telling your friend you'd pay him 5 bucks to dance with her...

    My friend Dave (who is a great guy, but the poor bastard looks kinda creepy...he has what we call the "child molester smile") was out at the bar with us, and we saw this impossibly ugly/fat and gross girl who just turned 21. She had one of those plastic tiaras on, a fuzzy boa and some silly "I just turned 21" t-shirts on. Now since Dave drunk will pretty much do anything, we pooled together 13 bucks and dared him to make out with her.

    Poor Dave is such a sport, he goes over, starts hitting on her, says he wants to give her a birthday kiss, and when he dives in for the kill.....Fatty turns him down! turns her face and he gets a mouthful of ear...poor bastard.

    Second is a story very similar to that one...at the same bar, different night, we're on the last leg of Friday marathon, and my friend Brian somehow gets a stage 5 clinger attached to him at our table. She's hammered, underage only slightly attractive. Brian gets bored with her, so he decides that he was going to ignore her, except to tell her to show us her tits. At first I guess she thinks its cute, and tries teasing us, pulling up her shirt but leaving her bra on....this goes on and on for about 30 minutes...poor girl gets more and more hammered, and Brian gets more and more obnoxious with her, telling her she's ugly and he doesn't want to talk to her unless she starts taking off her clothes...we're all cracking up, enjoying the hell out of it, until we realize she isn't leaving...then some girl Brian had hooked up with before, (and who we nicknamed "Horse Face") comes over, and drunk girl gets very very jealous. She keeps jockeying for position at the table, and eventually starts slipping on the beer on the floor and falling down a couple times...Brian is in full asshole mode, and I think he asks her to show us her thong or something, and gives her a wedgie...sooo fucked up, but sooo funny.

    Bottom line, within 10 minutes, she finally got the point, and left to go to the bathroom...On the way there, she fell on the floor in the middle of an insanely crowded bar and passed out. The bouncers picked her up, and asked us/Brian if she was with us and could we take care of her.

    Brian: "I have no idea who that is. Never seen her before in my life."

    She ends up getting kicked out, and I think she went home with another one of my friends.

    ::sigh::

    Those were the good old days...

    "I've always considered writing the most hateful kind of work. I suspect it's a bit like fucking, which is only fun for amateurs. Old whores don't do much giggling." -HST
  • so when i was 11 years old i ended up getting shitfaced off my dad's beer, and then ... no i'm fucking around i haven't got too many funny drunk stories :-/ only 17 years old, that's illegal! good stories though, tell brian i'd like to shake his hand.

    Using my imagination could be great, but if the reality is what im imagining, it's that much better.
    • mir83nj said...
    • User
    • 4 May 2006, 03:55
    fair enough...I only have two or three good drunk stories from before 17 years old...most of them started freshman year, at 17...so get crackin, bitch!

    "I've always considered writing the most hateful kind of work. I suspect it's a bit like fucking, which is only fun for amateurs. Old whores don't do much giggling." -HST
  • um. i drank a mix of 1 part orange juice 3 parts tequila at my friend's sisters dumb party.
    the sister was apparently pretty popular at her highschool so i wore a tutu and a samurai sword around all night in front of millionaire heirs and heiresses. no stories are all that great with me. i usually just end up dancing and telling someone i'm in love with that i love them on the phone.

    the skin you call your home
    holds a heart that quits and knees that buckle in
    and lungs that can't breathe when they're alone
    • mir83nj said...
    • User
    • 4 May 2006, 05:07

    Re:

    Quoth maddylikesmusic:
    i wore a tutu and a samurai sword around all night in front of millionaire heirs and heiresses.


    Awesome. I love playing dress-up!

    Quoth maddylikesmusic:
    i usually just end up dancing and telling someone i'm in love with that i love them on the phone.


    You and everyone else...

    "I've always considered writing the most hateful kind of work. I suspect it's a bit like fucking, which is only fun for amateurs. Old whores don't do much giggling." -HST
  • god. i need to get drunk. i need to get some crazy shit off my chest.
    anyone up for a drink N dial?

    the skin you call your home
    holds a heart that quits and knees that buckle in
    and lungs that can't breathe when they're alone
  • Haha what the hell is a drink and dial. Just drink and dial random people out of the other person's phone? Haha. Sounds fun.

    Brian is in full asshole mode, and I think he asks her to show us her thong or something, and gives her a wedgie

    Hilariousssss.

    I have a funny story. No fat bitches, but funny. I was like 13 and my brother was 14 or 15 i think. We ganked some wine coolers from this pizza shop we both worked at. I'm pretty sure this was the first time i ever got drunk. Early? yeah whatever. I'm not a drunk. I mean the next time I got drunk was when I was 17. So, anyshit, I had 2.5 wine coolers. My brother, 3.5, of course. To finish the six pack and what not. We are upstairs in our house in his room, not knowing what to do. We are both shit-faced. I'm talking first-time-you-are-drunk what-the-fuck-is-going-on shitfaced. Matt says he has to piss. We didn't want to stumble downstairs past our parents room to the bathroom. So somehow we found a jar in his room. Matt pissed in it, put on the lid and threw it out the 2nd story window. We nonstop laughed the whole time, and he almost pissed on his desk. I realized I had to piss too. No jars left. I snagged an empty wine cooler bottle and tried to start peeing in it. I couldnt keep my balance b/c I was shithoused, AND Matt and I were still laughing our asses off. I finally started peeing (you know sometimes you have those awkward 'I thought I had to go, where is it?' pee occurences). It was leaking all over my hand. Then I realized I was just straight pissing on his rug. And I think a little got on his couch. Haha. Shit.

    Next day, my tool neighbor asks my parents if they knew where the jar full of piss came from. My dad asked us if we knew. No clue, Dad!

    Hey, Todd Palin, I just finished coloring your wife's book.
    • mir83nj said...
    • User
    • 4 May 2006, 06:59

    Re:

    Quoth 12341234:
    Next day, my tool neighbor asks my parents if they knew where the jar full of piss came from. My dad asked us if we knew. No clue, Dad!


    Hahahaha

    Please tell me he used the phrase "jar full of piss"

    "Hey Bob, uhh...you got any idea where this jar full of piss came from? What's that? Yeah, I found this jar full of piss on my lawn...No I didn't put it there, I just found it...Why did I...what? No, I didn't piss in it, I found it! Why did I pick it up? I don't know! FUCK! FUCK YOU, BOB! Stop throwing jars full of piss on my lawn! Asshole!"

    ::brings jar full of piss inside house::

    "I've always considered writing the most hateful kind of work. I suspect it's a bit like fucking, which is only fun for amateurs. Old whores don't do much giggling." -HST
  • i'm laughing my ass off so hard at the jar full of piss and then mir's commentary. good show guys.

    anyways these aren't too good and they're on the "youkids..." thread already but mir was bitching so i'll repost here.

    an awkward drinking moment: anyways, i was at this kids house, it was just us two, we smoked a little pot with some other kids, then went back to his house, got some alcohol and retired to his basement room, we listened to some radiohead, chilled out, drunk instant messaged people. anyway the awkward moment happened the next day when he told me he was gay, which i'm fine with, but i was alone, drunk, with another drunk guy, who happened to be gay. :-/ wtf.

    oh oh and this one time i was drunk at a bonfire, and haha i used to smoke at the time. i put a cigarette in my mouth (unknown to me it was backwards, i had the tobacco opening in my mouth and the cotton filter sticking out) and i decided to try and light it on the open fire. the good thing is i didn't fall in the fire, well i guess you're all thinking well shit, you should have. so the fire melts the cotton shut and the cigarette becomes unsmokable. i sit there for 5 minutes trying to light it with no luck, each time leaning in farther, guessing that the thing didn't catch on fire or something. then i realized wtf. i looked at my cigarette and was really upset for about five minutes, until somone lit one for me and gave me it. i was satisfied.

    Using my imagination could be great, but if the reality is what im imagining, it's that much better.
    • mir83nj said...
    • User
    • 4 May 2006, 07:07
    Funny story about piss...

    Every year at the end of October (usually around Halloween) Florida plays Georgia in football, a weekend dubbed "The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party"

    Well, since there's about 60,000 people in a small horseshoe-shaped shopping mall, the bathroom facilities are nowhere near equipped to handle that many people. They set up more than a hundred or so (maybe more) port-o-potties all over the place, but none upstairs or in the food court, where everyone hangs out. Needless to say...

    The entire food court becomes a bathroom. The staples of public pissing are...going in a cup underneath a table, having your friends form a visual shield around you while you piss in the trash can, going in the photobooth and pissing in a cup (this is not for the weak-hearted...the seat in the photobooth is usually filled with piss-filled cups and people who had poor aim) or just finding a lonely corner and going on the wall.

    I guess you could always piss yourself, but hey...I'm certainly not going to reccomend that to anyone. But yeah, when it comes to weird places to piss, I've pretty much heard it all. I even knew a kid who peed "in" a girl. Yes. It is EXACTLY what you think.

    "I've always considered writing the most hateful kind of work. I suspect it's a bit like fucking, which is only fun for amateurs. Old whores don't do much giggling." -HST
  • wow, i've pissed in a cup, on a road trip. on a building. never in a building, or in a photobooth, and most certainly not in a girl, wtf?

    Using my imagination could be great, but if the reality is what im imagining, it's that much better.
    • mir83nj said...
    • User
    • 4 May 2006, 07:15

    Re:

    Quoth korovamilkbar8:
    wow, i've pissed in a cup, on a road trip. on a building. never in a building, or in a photobooth, and most certainly not in a girl, wtf?


    That's why I loved going to Florida. What you're seeing is simply the tip of the iceberg...:P

    "I've always considered writing the most hateful kind of work. I suspect it's a bit like fucking, which is only fun for amateurs. Old whores don't do much giggling." -HST
  • or the tip of a penis in a bottle

    Using my imagination could be great, but if the reality is what im imagining, it's that much better.
  • Warning: Involves Fat Bitches and Puking.

    Haha I just remembered this one. 11th or 12th grade house party at this kid Mike's house. His dad is home and is cool with it. 5 dollars for continuous access to the keg in the fridge. Good people Good fun. Jello Shots. Girl hopefuls. What have you. This drunk girl, who is/was a nice girl, just kept fucking flashing the guys. And the guys were laughing so hard. They had a keyword that she would respond to. Something like "tits" or "Whip em out". So you're talking to your friends and all throughout the night you turn around and this girls tits are in your face.

    Good? No. They were big tits. And "ok" when she had a bra on. But when she flashed them, those shits rolled out. And when you hear "flash" you think like 2 seconds. Maybe 5 max. This girl would keep them out for anywhere between 10 seconds and 2 minutes. And the nipples were geographical. Like, I don't mind big areolas too much. But these things looked like Italy and Alaska, left and right, respectively. So keep that in mind, they were just popping up in random spots of the party every ten minutes.

    I think we drove around and got stoned, then came back.

    My friend Julian and I are high so were are chilling around. Our high wears off and so we start drinking again. Hard. Chugging beers. Jello shots. We get our hands on a beer funnel. Me, then him, then me, then him. Maybe 4 funneled beers each in 15 minutes or so.

    Then, Mike's uncle arrives on the scene. Also cool with the whole party thing. His wife is there too. Weird? Yes I know. Hey Uncle, do you want to bong a beer. He says, "I'm not a bitch, let's get this goin!"

    We filled it up and he chugged it down like a pro. Apparently he was at the party the whole time because he was getting kinda drunk. We did 2 more rounds between the 3 of us. Tits McGee pops on the scene again in the middle of my beer bong. I spilled a little on the floor from laughing.

    It's Uncle Shitfaced's turn. He's sitting down.

    Me: Hey Uncle Guy, it's your turn.
    Uncle: (Looks to wife) I think I'm gonna sit this one out.
    Julian: Awww come on.
    Me: Yeah don't be a little bitch. I thought you said you weren't a bitch.
    Uncle: Guys seriously.
    ...
    Me: (loud to Julian) I can't believe that guy would let Highschoolers out-drink him.
    Uncle: Oh Fuck, Let's go.

    He jumped right in and did one. Jule and I did another one. I have no idea how we kept going. It was like 3:30/4:00am now. Hey Uncle, it's your turn! You're not a bitch are you? He does another. Jule and I sit out a round and wait 5 minutes. Hey Uncle it's your turn! He slowly gets up and puts the tube to his mouth. This one goes down slow. He stands up straight and holds his stomach.

    Wife: Honey, you need to stop. Come sit down.

    He walks outside and just projectile vomits off the porch. Five minutes later we con him into doing another bong. Same thing, puke off the porch. The puke was making a puddle on the lawn.

    Me: (to Julian) We're out of beer.
    Him: Shit.
    Me: I'm retarded anyway.
    Him: Me too. I'm still high. We smoked again outside.
    Me: Let's gather up all the floaters (loose, unclaimed beers) and put them into the pitcher.

    So that's what we did. All the warm stale beers sitting around: tossed right into the pitcher for the beer bong. One of the beers had a cigarette butt in it. Hey Uncle, don't be a biiiiitch! But some people were on his side now. "He's just puking up everything that goes down." "He's just wasting beer!"

    He did it anyway. He pretty much bonged the whole pitcher like a champ. Back to the porch for another puke sesh.

    Enough of that. We could hear birds chirping and the darkness had started fading. First time that ever happened to me. It's weird when the morning sneaks up on you.

    I said goodbye to everyone, I was gonna walk home (like three blocks away).

    Drunken Tool Acquaintance: Dude, I'll drive you home. You're drunk.
    Me: You are reTARDed. I would trust myself walking home before I trusted you driving me home, right around the corner. Thanks for the kind gesture though.

    So I walk home. But I didn't make it home. I come to, sitting in some persons lawn. It was almost light out. Welp, I guess I have to get home for real now.

    The whole night people were accusing me of puking all over the toilet seat and clogging the toilet. I was so pissed. Until the morning, when I remembered doing it. Oops.

    Hey, Todd Palin, I just finished coloring your wife's book.
  • Haha one time I pissed off the balcony of this sorority house after I dropped this girl off. It was winter. Next morning she tells me that the girls are a little sketched out that there is frozen piss right outside their door. I checked it out later, it was a pretty wide scatter of piss. And I had put a pretty good arc on it. Haha.

    Hey, Todd Palin, I just finished coloring your wife's book.
  • oops lol i want to wake up in the middle a golf course one day.

    Using my imagination could be great, but if the reality is what im imagining, it's that much better.
  • Donnie Darko style.

    Hey, Todd Palin, I just finished coloring your wife's book.
  • good stories though numbers

    Using my imagination could be great, but if the reality is what im imagining, it's that much better.
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