Love, Marriage & Divorce

This is something I wrote on my LiveJournal, and then thought that it would probably be rather more appropriate to discuss here. Cos you people are grand :D

I was having a conversation with Mum earlier today, and something she said made me start thinking (I do this a lot). Mind you, I don't think what Mum said actually has anything to do with what I'm going to talk about, but the mind works in strange fashions, and somehow or another, this came up.

Does anyone wonder why the divorce rate is so high these days? A lot of people say that it's because people have more freedom to get out of a bad marriage nowadays, and this has to be true to an extent. But what always puzzles me is... Why the hell don't people pick somebody to marry that they actually want to spend the rest of their life with?! I mean, there are exceptions, of course. My parents are due to be divorced early next year, after being together for 18 years (although they separated on a few occasions within that time frame). I think that after that amount of time together, they must have (and did) got along for a fairly large chunk of that time. So, therefore their marriage was most likely justified. On the other hand, you get couples that have been together for only a few months and are already separated and filing for divorce! I mean, didn't they notice something wrong?! There are, of course, also exceptions where this is acceptable - maybe one of the persons involved lied and pretended to the other, and the other realises. Still, it's rather wrong for the lying, pretending person to do what they did.

Now, here's what I think could be the problem. Now remember, it's just my opinion, so feel free to disagree - I would like to hear anyone else's opinions! It seems to me that we have been brought up in a society that condemns people who don't get married, or at least have a stable partner. There are people that don't do this, but they go against the trend of the majority of the population. However, although it is not common, there is a growing number of teens and young adults that say they do not want to get married. Now, this seems all well and good at first glance, but who can really say at such a young age that they are not getting married. In my opinion (yes, opinion), they are mostly just wanting to be different and rebelling against the norm of society. It's the same reason a lot of social cultures are formed (emo, punk, etc.). To be different! Which is fair enough, in a lot of ways. But I think it goes a bit far when people start doing things that they don't want to do, just to be different. It defeats the purpose!

So if we are brought up believing that we will one day get married, does that mean that we feel like we have to find a partner and marry them, even if we don't truly love them? When somebody comes along that we seem to get along with pretty well, we think "oh, I have to find a life partner, and I seem to get along with this person pretty well, so they'll do!". Subconsciously, of course! This would indeed explain the reason for such a high divorce rate. And yes, people would've felt the same way in the past - to an even greater extent - but they weren't allowed to divorce without incurring the wrath of God, or some such thing.

So, basically, I think that we need to stop taking love and marriage for granted, and stop planning our futures before they happen!!! Who cares if we are going to get married in 5 or 10 years time, or even never get married? Just let things happen as they happen. Things like jobs, houses, businesses, etc - material things - usually need planning of some sort. But you can't plan love!! I don't know - maybe I'm completely wrong, but I think that if everyone stopped planning their relationships so much, and stopped having certain outcomes in their heads, there might just be a few more marriages that lasted. I would hope so, anyway.

Jamhos, I agree with your closing paragraph.

I got the impression on several occasions that some people play a theater piece in their relationship, preparing for years to some, already knowing at least subconsciously that the other person is not the right one, knowing that something is wrong, or having serious doubts. Some people seek luck and security so much that they really want to marry, yet they are too picky about the details, or just ignore some problems. It gets especially dangerous if two people then do not talk about these things... and later it will always come out. Later they either are able to deal with the problems, or not. Whatever these problems may be, real or silly.

I think the high divorce rtaes mightt have something to do with our definition of love, I think a lot of people marries to their crush of their life, not necessary their love of their life. Love is a choice, feelings shouldn't matter that much. If you marry someone you just fell in love with, then in a few months time you'll wake up and see the other person as he/she is.

Offcourse, this doesn't apply for everyone, butt for many it does.

Another reason is that many people aren't willing to fight for their marriage, if something goes wrong they don't seek counseling etc.

If there was no God, there would be no point in puzzling about all this. Divorce suits everyone just fine: most of the reasons for which people divorce have come up already and they’re acceptable to everyone. Many of the most logical explanations that men could ever come up with regarding this issue have been stated here.

You see, your thinking is quite powerful but all it does is turning our eyes away from what’s really going on. It is such thinking that suppresses the truth about the bigger picture. In the end it becomes so bad that you conclude that marriage is kind of pointless, as if there is no God.

I can see the logic of all that from the point of view of someone who doesn’t fear the Lord, but then there’s also this noble statement that there should still be a point in getting married for Christians. If it were only for these logical reasons and explanations, well yes, there would be no reason to have also high divorce rates in Christian churches. The truth however is, that Christians find excuses just a readily for their divorces. Worse even: some dare abuse verses from the Bible to justify their divorces. Even churches come up with excuses and ideas to accept this (there you have the last excuse you’ll ever need!). Not only this, there are also homosexual priests, child molestations, women teaching in church, plain wrong doctrines (false prophets)… From all of this, allowing divorce is probably more widely known, because it still concerns people outside the churches as well. There’s absolutely no fear of the Lord left. That leads us to the bigger picture of all this: wickedness and God’s wrath.

Marriage and church are the number one things that have been instituted by God himself, in the image of his relationship with us, governed by the same laws that God himself observes as He deals with us. If you focus on these for a while and compare their situation of the last few decennia to how it was in the few millennia before that, we have seen a dramatic change. The Bible speaks of this as the “abomination that causes desolation” set up in the holy place. Here we can read about what’s going on. The world has become so wicked that it would almost be naïve to think that any marriage can still stand the test.

You can come up with as many logical explanations as you want, the fact is that this situation was predicted a long time ago as being one of the signs of the End of the Age. We may have passed the beginning of the birth pains already.

It does seem kind of pointless to get married if your not religious. Here in Canada, if you're together for a long time, two years I think, you're considered "common law" husband and wife and pretty much have all the same legal privelages of people who are actually married.

what about the idea that we are living longer then we ever have before?
in the past when we've committed to marriage, we may have lived to 65-70.
we are living decades longer now! i know it sounds like a simple idea but i think it is a definite factor in the divorce rate!

I think it's great that, as everyone is saying, people have the freedom to leave a bad marriage. There is no point sticking around if you just don't get along, etc.

But! I also strongly believe that too many people are getting married these days when they don't know each other well enough to make a properly informed decision. Maybe we all just need to slow down and take our time in picking the right partner. As Keyrah said, our life expectancy is only getting longer! We have the time to choose wisely, so why not take advantage of it?

Jamhos said:
Sorry for the two posts in a row, but this only just hit home then:
Kjersti454 said:
Love is a choice, feelings shouldn't matter that much.
I don't believe that love is a choice. I mean, I can't MAKE myself fall in love with somebody! There's not much you can do about it really, except learn to feel the difference between love and... anything else that might seem like love at the time.
I'd have to agree with James here. Its not within our ability as humans to control love to a large extent. I can't make myself love someone, and I have enough troubles making myself not love someone who I feel I shouldn't.

I think the real issue here is that people too often get married on the traditional legal and societal level, without being 'married' on the spiritual or emotional level. A couple can be married between each other and the law, but they might not be 'married' between each other and God (or whatever cosmic/spiritual/emotional/natural entity you choose to believe in).

The legal entity of marriage is ultimately limited. To some, it isn't even available to them. But all can form a long lasting, maybe eternal, bond with their life partner. Because that's what marriage is supposed to mean, right?

To me, the problem is that too many people are signing legal documents in a church while dressed in expensive dresses and suits. Not too many are married to each other.