• Delain – We Are The Others (Game of Thrones Fanfic Concept Album)

    13 Jul 2012, 18:44 by jerkjones

    So I’m a bit off, as our good friend Wanky would say, and just realized I’m in Japan for another year…this should be interesting.

    (pretend you didn’t see the title for the next few paragraphs)

    I was totally going to do some kind of epic tribute to the Z.Wanky Snyder-Pants124 Crew and post it up in here. However, I then asked myself a world-changing fucking question: Do I really give enough of a shit about these motherfuckers to devote any more time to them? The answer, of course, is no.

    So, what happens next?

    Another chapter of something about Sami? I have writer’s block (this doesn't count), plus I think the author of the accompanying series pseudo-died or something (in the Jerktionary sense, anyway), and continuing onward with it (for now) is like cake without the frosting.

    Another chapter of something about Marcelo? No one really cares anymore. (including me)

    NOPE.

    Things have been getting out of fucking control. So…it’s time for Jerk M. F. Jones to revisit his roots. Which, of course, is STRAIGHT OUTTA TOKYO MOTHERFUCKIN’ STRAIGHT UP REVIEWIN, YO. DAWG. WORD.

    Here’s my live thought process as I consider the possible targets…

    Delain: I don’t know. The prospect of listening to their entire album kind of makes me want to slam my head into the wall. I’m not sure why…I haven’t even heard ANYTHING from it yet.
    Nickelback: As much as I’d like to properly praise His Kroegliness…no.
    Regina Spektor: I quickly lost interest. You should get used to that happening.
    Nemesea: I…maybe later. I think I already lost interest before even really listening to the whole thing.
    Anneke van Giersbergen: Her new album, it’s bad. Review complete.
    Devin Townsend: His dual-album thing that’s like a year old, it’s okay. Next.
    Sugababes: As hilarious as that would inevitably be…well…it’s not really my style.
    Imaginaerum (The Movie!): That shit’s never coming out. Deal with it. Or don’t, I’m a jerk on the internet, not a cop. Also, fuck Nightwish lol
    Kamelot: Too slow. I blame Jimothy or whatever the fuck his name is.

    FOR NO REASON AT ALL IT’S GON BE DELAIN (obviously)

    Okay...well...maybe there's one good reason.

    Even though nDroae has clearly failed to write a review that I can respond to in a hilarious fashion…I AM GOING FORTH WITHOUT HIM. I’ve listened to next to nothing by Delain. Preparation Complete. Motherfucking random Brazilian flag dude is spamming me. Let’s finish this before I get hacked…or whatever the Brazilian equivalent is. Something about soccer. No, not football. ‘MURICA.

    (accompanied by random images from the most amazing imgur folder ever, also google)


    1. Mother Machine
    I misread this as Mammon Machine. If you get what I’m talking about, you’re a fucking winner.


    Well…I obviously haven’t listened to much Delain before now, but the beginning of this sounds…different. I don’t really know how to explain it. I kind of blacked out or got distracted. RESTART.

    Someone’s slamming doors or some shit. I’m ready for this to devolve into actual music…okay, there it is. This thing better not suck as much as the first minute. Good news: the whole thing doesn’t suck. Perhaps there’s hope for these jerks after all. I mean, it’s nothing exceptional, but it seems promising, I guess. Charlotte sounds a lot better than I remember…although it’s all kind of hazy because I only really listened to April Rain and I didn’t give one-half of a fuck at the time.

    (8.16/10)


    2. Electricity
    This doesn’t sound like electricity at all. FALSE FUCKING ADVERTISEMENT. This really is a lot better than anything I remember hearing from Delain before. And here I was, just expecting to completely rip this album a new one simply due to boredom. They’re attempting to show me up....but maybe I'll still hate it anyway out of spite. It’s like Within Temptation, but it has less of the “makes me want to hate myself for liking it” vibe. It’s a simple as fuck song, but then Charlotte grabs you by the balls or ladyparts and is like “LOOK HERE YOU LAST.FM FUCK THIS SHIT IS RAD AS HELL AND YOU’RE GONNA FUCKING LISTEN TO IT REPEATEDLY” in that sexy accent and you’re like uh…this.

    You goddamn crafty NETHERLANDS.

    Well, so much for my grand album bashing plans. I blame Ben Franklin.

    (9.5/10)


    3. We Are the Others
    The entrance theme song for when the Others enter a scene on Game of Thrones. Well…that’s not at all what you were expecting. I mean…what I was expecting. This won’t work at all.

    …FUCK.

    Okay, this could be hilarious…I’m totally making a youtube video for this. When I finish this, anyway. Okay, you're right, I probably won't. Just fucking imagine the part with all the Others at the end of season 2, set to the chorus of this. Somewhere, George R. R. Martin is weeping out of rage at my insolence.

    FUCKING TUOMASFLUENCE ALERT toward the end. If you don’t know what I’m talking about…do some fucking homework okay thanks bye

    (8/10)


    4. Milk and Honey (Motherfuckers)
    This title is totally better with my parenthesized addendum. Someone should mashup Delain with 2pac. MOVING ON. This sounds like some shit I heard recently…BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?????? This song sounds NOTHING LIKE MILK AND HONEY. How the shit are you going to name your darker-sounding track MILK AND FUCKING HONEY MOTHERFUCKERS alkgjdshafdshagtdejdg

    See, it totally makes more sense with my addition to the title. But seriously though, this once again isn’t bad. Despite the blatant false advertisement, it’s right up there with the previous example.

    (8.75/10)


    5. Hit Me With Your Best Shot
    PAT BENATAR 80’s LOL. Is this actually a cover?? If it is, Delain gains massive hilarity points. If not, they lose massive opportunity points. Annnnd…THE MOMENT OF TRUTH…it totally isn’t. FUCK YOU DELAIN. Okay I’m over it. That song sucks anyway.

    I think Delain is slowly drifting into a weird fucking synthphonic operaticprostitution-influenced non-metal genre. Maybe they were already there, and I just wasn’t paying attention. I don’t know what the fuck is going on. Blood Stain Child and Amaranthe will welcome them to the void with open arms, though. This reminds me, I need to do a “WEIRDEST FUCKING BANDS IN THE UNIVERSE” journal. NOTED. FOR THE FUTURE.

    (the future)

    As for the song…these motherfuckers better not be drifting into the RUBICON ZONE.

    (7.5/10)


    6. I Want You
    And, here’s the mandatory slow track. Charlotte’s all like HAY GUYS I know Within Temptation and Epica are all everyone thinks about when they’re searching for dutch symphonic flower slightly-metal (WHO???) BUT I INSIST THAT YOU SEARCH FOR DELAIN TOO. And then the world’s like PROVE IT YOU CRAZY HOT FIRE-HAIRED LADY. AND DELAIN’S LIKE FINE FUCK YOU TOO.

    Oh, wait, this really isn’t a slow track…I just realized with about two minutes left, now that I’m actually paying attention instead of trying to write some weird fucking shit. This is actually pretty good, I guess. They’re momentarily staving off complete destruction.

    (8.25/10)



    7. Where Is The Blood (feat. Burton C. Bell) (WHO????????????) (aka: Dude, Where’s My Blood?)
    Oh, he’s from Fear Factory. Who gives a fuck?

    BUT SERIOUSLY GUYS, WHERE DID I PUT THE FUCKING BLOOD. IF SOMEONE’S HIDING IT THIS IS NOT FUNNY. I’d think that someone named “Burton C. Bell” would invent a stage name that is better. For example:

    BURTOC BELL
    REAPERTRONIUS BELL
    ROY KHAN BELL
    JERKATRON BELL
    BELL BURTON (totally better for some reason)
    BURTONBELLBOT 5000
    DR. FEAR “FACTORY” BURTON

    He could also throw a Z or X in there to instantly make it 400% better. Seriously, learn to have some fucking artistic insight, you fuck. Well…now that I’ve successfully not listened to this the first time around…I’ll come back to it.

    Actually, okay, I think I’ve got it now (this is me rating the last minute of the song). BURTOC’s voice isn’t terrible, but I’d like to think they could have done better as far as the random ‘murican guest vocalist goes. Not too bad, I guess.

    (8/10)


    8. Generation Me
    Catchy as shit.
    KNOW MY NAME.
    Did she just say fucking? Probably just the weird accent.
    Here she is…so here she is!!!! SHE IS HERE. In case you were wondering, here I am.
    Well…is it a guitar solo if you play like four notes and then some jerk hops in with a synthesizer?
    Okay, your point is taken.

    (8.2/10)


    9. Babylon
    There are no long tracks on this album. I fucking hate that shit. Also I’m pretty sure most of these tracks were basically exact replicas of each other with Charlotte doing some different shit on them. And yet, it’s mostly worked up till…and including…now. Yes, I’m kind of hating myself again. Not quite on the level of hating myself for liking Amaranthe…but I’m still at the “doubt own taste in music” level. I don’t fucking know.

    Oh, you were reading this for musical insight? You must be new here.

    I liked the end. Shoot me.

    (8.6/10)


    10. Are You Done With Me
    Restarting this shit because I was busy fucking around. This city…drinks our wars? WHAT?????

    Maybe it was words, this accent fucks my mind. Maybe it’s cause I’m used to trying to decipher the Japanese accent instead. Which isn’t nearly as bad as the French accent. It's still brutal, though. I guess this song is okay…but it’s probably the worst song yet. I don’t really know why. I guess I’ve reached my breaking point.

    (7.5/10)


    11. Get the Devil Out of Me
    Spiritual successor to “Take the Devil in Me”. In this one, they don’t really care if you end up with the devil, just as long as you get it from me initially. Heh…get it???? OHAKFSFISJkfssd MOVING ON…

    In case you’re wondering, I was implying that the “it” you’ll be getting is sex. Yes, I am reaching.

    OKAY SERIOUSLY I’M MOVING ON NOW.

    World record set for titles with “Me” in them. If you include “We”…it’s five. FIVE OUT OF TWELVE. If you include I…then it’s half the tracks. Jesus Christ Delain (name of next album??? If so I claim producer credits), learn to not be so fucking self-centered. IS IT THE SLOW TRACK REQUIRED BY DUTCH LAW? No. They’re going to fucking Netherjail.

    SHE'S NO JESUS CHRIST. BLASPHEMY.


    But this actually sounds like it could be the badass track that is completely underappreciated, like Ghost River. Unless everyone’s freaking the fuck out about it already…I wouldn’t fucking know. I just spelled “know” as “now”…like four times in a row. FUCK YOU, EPICA124, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ENGLISH. Despite this track being short as fuck like everything else here, it’s pretty fucking rad. Rad enough to be close to the best track on the album…for some reason. THE END HAD THE IPHONE ALARM SHIT AND FREAKED THE FUCK OUT OF ME JESUS WHA T HE FUCK

    (9.1/10)


    12. Not Enough
    Spiritual prequel to Jansenology’s notable single “Never Enough”. I hope some secret triple duel type situation emerges between Delain, Within Temptation, and Epica for domination of the Dutch fairy metal scene.

    …fuck, the song’s over. The best part was the end.

    (7/10)


    TL;DR BECAUSE YOU’RE A JERK
    1. Electricity
    2. Get the Devil Out Of Me
    3. Milk and Honey
    4. several others
    5. that bad one


    Jesus Christ Delain Superstar. Nothing world-endingly awesome (except possibly Electricity and GTDOOM, awesome acronym points gained btw) like the last five tracks of a certain indie synth pop rock album I recently “reviewed”, but this shit is fucking solid. I totally didn’t see this coming…and I might actually BUY this album.

    Shocking, right? It’s the least that I can do, since I’ve had Electricity on repeat for like an hour, and I apologize for nothing. All you crazy fucking Delain fans, you’ve apparently been redeemed. Congratulations, I’m going to go shove some curry into my face and think of your glorious redemption (and you can’t stop me). This GIF’s for you. Fucking psychos.



    Next Time: Something completely unexpected. Seriously.
  • The jerkjones Hero Bands of 2012: MUSICPOCALYPSE NOW

    3 Apr 2012, 04:15 by jerkjones

    (or at least the last couple weeks, anyway)

    Tl;dr – Your favorite bands suck. No, seriously.

    Yes, THE JOURNALSTORM continues. I’ll probably hate all of these bands inside of a month. Scar sez: BE PREPARED.



    The Hero Section

    Faunts
    Because Jerk F. Jones finally found some sweet chill-out music, as opposed to the usual vaguely angry fare.

    Back when I played the original Mass Effect something like 42 million years ago, I heard M4 (Part II) over the end credits and, since I was listening to shitty music almost exclusively back then, I said something like "lolwat" and moved on with my life. Then, after beating the train wreck of Mass Effect 3 a few weeks ago, I heard Das Malefitz and was like MIND EXPLOSION. Now that I have their discography I can safely say that they are fucking glorious.

    They’re sort of like Silversun Pickups (see their section below) if they took a little too much acid, danced around in 42-below weather for a while to simulate the Canadian Experience, and had an orgy with a super star destroyer which previously had relations with a galactic synthesizer.



    AND THEY'RE CANADIAN. What is this, bizarro-year? Yes, yes it is. Next, we'll be consulting Brazil for coherent commentary (in English) on your favorite symphonic metal band's latest album. Before you ask, no, you can't ask Liadz. Someone else.

    Yes, I will probably hate them three months from now. Fuck you for reminding me. I’ll curse your name (if I know it) when the time comes.

    Get: M4 (Part II), Das Malefitz, M4 (Part I). If those interest you in the least, do yourself a favor and acquire the discography…although those three are CLEARLY their stand-out tracks. Their vocalist is weird, so it makes sense that two of their best tracks are instrumental. If you hate them, it’s your own damn fault for trusting me. I don’t know what the fuck you were thinking.


    KMFDM
    Because KMFDM sucks.

    They’re still going strong after approximately 42 albums, with 285 different band members. I had almost completely stopped listening to them when I started my recent symphonic metal/indie/comedy saga, and then this possibly-German-Antarctic chick who's quite rad (Trexacious) showed up. She randomly said something about them, and that's when I realized that they had several more albums that I hadn't listened to.

    After punching myself in the face a few times for being an idiot, I mostly illegally acquired their newer albums, and all was right with the world once again. Now, they need to move back to Seattle when I do, so I can stalk them in lieu of a real life. Because, feast your eyes on these badass motherfuckers.



    Now, my saga has become an electronic/symphonic/industrial metal with hints of comedy and indie-ish rock featuring a side of post-rock (whatever that’s supposed to be) saga. I blame you for complicating things for me. You know who you are.

    Get: Leid und Elend, Son of a Gun, Brute, Sturm & Drang, about a billion others. Just get Symbols to start, if you’re really that curious. But I doubt you are, because you’re probably a jerk who’s waiting for me to talk about Nightwish or Epica. You’ll get yours, don’t worry.


    Silversun Pickups
    Because they’re the greatest fucking band in the world. Well, okay, greatest World Cop band.

    If you’ve been stalking my profile recently, you probably know that I listen the shit out of these jerks…and for good reason. Their next album is about a month away, and it will probably dominate my life for several months. I’ve…got nothing else.

    Get: It begins and ends with Rusted Wheel. That’d be a pretty good indicator whether you’d be into them or not. Or maybe Lazy Eye. Or It’s Nice to Know You Work Alone, fuck I don’t know


    Amaranthe
    Because everyone needs a bit of stupid in their lives.

    They're so goddamn brave, they unapologetically rip-off approximately 42 billion bands simultaneously, and then leave me to do their last.fm shoutbox dirty work. Trolling Epica fanboys ain't easy. Oh wait, it is. And it’s kind of fun, because they seem to congregate sometimes in the Amaboxe…FOR REASONS UNKNOWN.

    Maybe I drew them in with my anti-Epica propaganda. Maybe not. MAYBE GO FUCK YOURSELF.

    Before you point it out, yes, I am aware that they kind of suck. But, in the same way, they’re also kind of awesome… much like the movies Judge Dredd, Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey, Eraser, Ninja Assassin, Hook, and Starship Troopers. Oh wait, no, none of those movies suck. YOU CAN GO TO HELL.

    Get: Hunger, Call Out My Name, Amaranthine, 1DOT000DOT000 LIGHTYEARS


    The Dead Weather
    Because everyone cool is in it.

    Jack White is a son of a bitch. Everyone knows it. Because of this, he formed some kind of weird supergroup of slightly epic proportions, and basically forced me to listen to it at gunpoint. I mean, seriously, he surrounded himself with some fucking badasses. When I first realized that they existed like 6 months ago (news travels slowly here in the future), I looked at the lineup and said something like “OSAGHADOGDEHOapdojnkgrothjn.”

    Jack White is fucking weird looking. I actually did say exactly that when I looked them up on Wikipedia. You’ll know why when you see it (if the picture hasn’t changed). Of course, even Alison Mosshart looks weird as shit in that picture. And, well, uh…



    Yeah. She doesn’t look too fucked up in that one. It’s officially a band made up of people who look fucking weird from certain angles.

    Get: Blue Blood Blues, Die by the Drop, So Far From Your Weapon


    L'Âme Immortelle (THE LAME IMMORTAL) –
    Because the feminine wiles of Antarctica compelled me.

    Rough translation completed by Jerk Jones’ 60% Of the Time It Works Every Time Translation Inc.

    Holy Odin's raven, they are awesome. It’s like if Within Temptation got into a car wreck with KMFDM and maybe Emilie Autumn or something, in the middle of a severe thunderstorm (electronic, GET IT?>?????), and the only possible solution was to combine body parts and skills of random members. The remaining souls emerged…as THE LAME IMMORTAL. See, it makes sense, because as victims of a car accident, it’s possible that their legs don’t work.



    And the rest was history. I’m going to go stalk them in November. ROAD TRIP, WHO’S GOING?? Oh and here’s the rough mockup of my Official Stalker Letter™. In the same vein as my Glorious Adventures of Marcelo Cabuli comic, this is what happens when I am properly inspired. I’m proud of it.


    I was also going to write "Enclosed is most of my hair" in there somewhere, but forgot to include it. You'll just have to imagine it.

    Get: You’re so goddamn needy…just get all of Gezeiten or Wenn der letzte Schatten fällt and see what happens. Your mind will explode from awesome. Unless you suck, of course.


    Blackguard
    Because I don’t know.

    Once again, CANADA. So, uh, here's what's weird about these fuckers. I've heard they're atrocious live from several different unreputable (and thus indisputable) internet sources. I hate every other band in the world that is anything like them. And yet...I like them. What the hell is wrong with me? More accurately, what the hell is right with them? Former: everything, Latter: most likely nothing.

    Did that make sense? You. That’s right, YOU. YOU should fucking listen to them, and then tell me if I’m crazy here. Then, I’ll tell you that I hate you and continue listening to these crazy Canuck fucks.

    Get: Wastelands and The Path. That’s about it, I guess. Now that I've typed this, I don't even think I like them anymore.


    Midnattsol
    Because it’s Liv’s sister what the hell

    For perhaps the first time ever, I discovered a band on last.fm Recommended Radio that didn’t mostly suck. Kong Valemons Kamp. For a second, I thought it was a tribute to Donkey Kong or something. But no, it ended up being better than that, as impossible as that may seem. Especially the chorus and the last 55 seconds. Pardon me, but that shit’s fucking beautiful. And most of the lyrics are hilarious (when you can actually understand them). Take fucking notes, Planet Earth.

    Even that badass motherfucker Donkey Kong has to appreciate the effort made in his name.

    I seriously don’t know how this band only has a little over a million plays. Oh right, this is Earth. Earth, it’s never too late, never too late to fly. At least it’s worth a try. If you’ve listened to these jerks previously you might see what I just did there. Okay that’s enough of that

    Get: Donkey Kong Valemons Kamp, Skogens Lengsel, En natt i nord, there are probably others worth getting but I literally wrote this based on just those three, so just investigate them yourself, jerk.


    Yes it’s another side note oh wait the only other side note is below this so this is the first one although I typed it second but you don’t know that well I guess you do now but fuck you anyway:
    JOSH HOMME AND FLORENCE WELCH DUET, JACKSON (the song). THE GINGER JESUS CHRIST COLLIDES WITH ANOTHER GINGER THAT IS QUITE POSSIBLY HIS POLAR OPPOSITE TO SING SOME FUCKING COUNTRY SONG OR SOMETHING. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???

    I listened to it on youtube. I don’t know what to think.

    Seriously though, the only duet that would be better than that is the weird-as-hell Mark Lanegan/Anneke van Giersbergen combo (because clearly Vibeke Stene has fallen off the face of the earth). I think my head would explode. The weird thing is that they’re both randomly appearing for random bands all the time. IT COULD HAPPEN. STAY TUNED.

    Okay, let’s continue. It’s business time.



    The Anti-Hero Section


    Epica
    Holy shit, Mark Jansen. You commenting on the state of world politics with your holier-than-thou ultra-pretentious lyric style IS SO CUTTING EDGE AND ENTERTAINING. I mean, no one in the history of music has made such insightful commentary on politics and the state of the world. ESPECIALLY NOT RECENTLY.

    Right?


    RIGHT?


    RIGHT.


    RIGHT!


    You know…because they already did all that…probably. Just as poorly.



    …Yeah. You should probably just let Simone write the lyrics, bro. Because I hate you.


    Nightwish
    Here’s what I had typed out in a (quite fearsome) notepad document from my Nightbox visits and Nightwish listening sessions in preparation for this section:

    THE KRAKEN = porn.
    LOOK AT ALL THIS FUCKING YOGURT
    OGOD MAIN PIC (brazil)
    Haert asks Plaesure Faerst is 4x better when eardrums damaged cause volume
    Still just mediocre, mediocre is spelled weird
    APPLES
    Those crazy turks
    HITLER BLOCKING ANETTE PICTURES
    Correction: Zombie Hitler
    Demo 2012 – wonder if that random dude knows how much free publicity we gave him

    I think that’s pretty self-explanatory. Attempting to translate to human-speak would be useless; I think I've said everything that can possibly be said already anyway. SEXYOGURT ALL-STARS.

    In case you didn't know (no one did), that's what I'm calling Nightwish from now on. Try to keep up.

    Side note – The Original: As noted by nDroae a while back, (because of course I’d pay attention to the most insane internet person I know) I think I’m turning into fujikiri…at least as far as how I relate to Nightwish and other symphonic metal bands. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I guess I should expect to become obsessed with Alex Turner and The Beatles at some point. It had to happen to someone. Continuing along that train of thought...


    Leela represents Nightwish. Bender represents me.


    Tristania – God damnit.

    Sabaton – Motherfuckers basically broke up. One day before April Fools’ Day. And then basically reformed today, with mostly new members. What? Way to confuse the shit out of me for a couple days. Oh well, they were getting boring anyway.

    Queens of the Stone Age – JOSH HOMME. While it’s true, your weird sidebars intrigue the fuck out of me (see: Eagles of Death Metal, Them Crooked Vultures, above duet, UNKLE, probably billions more), it’s about time you got back to fucking BUSINESS.

    Kamelot – HURRY UP SO I CAN MOCK YOUR CHOICE OF LEAD SINGER. Unless it’s Mervin Toadbind. Or Roy Khan's twin brother, Steve.


    Next Time: Triple Duel III…or some other long-forgotten stuff.

    Okay, it’s over now.
  • The World According To Jerk M.F. Jones Volume IV: The Jerktionary

    24 Mar 2012, 18:04 by jerkjones

    No fancy intro because this is all business okay





    THE JERKTIONARY, VERSION 1.0: A QUICK REFERENCE GUIDE FOR THE INSANE
    I made some of these up just now. This is completely random, including but not limited to bands, people, last.fm pariahs and heroes, and whatever the fuck else I put in here.

    Amaranthe
    I can only describe them as the illegitimate love child of Nightwish, Paramore, Europe (the band), DragonForce, a disco ball, a random death metal band, and Avenged Sevenfold. They are also the founders of the genre. They make me hate myself a little bit.

    Amaranthing
    Randomly combining genres and somehow pulling it off. See above.

    Antagonette(s)
    A. People who antagonize Anette Olzon for reasons that basically amount to “not Tarja lol”
    B. People who antagonize anyone who hates Anette, for reasons that basically amount to “like anette now fucker”
    (I haven’t decided which definition is correct, so I use it both ways mostly to confuse jerks)

    Boxelot
    Kamelot shoutbox. It’s where you go if you favor quality/awesomeness/insanity of shouts over quantity. Of course, that’s not to say you should go there. They probably don’t want you. YOU<(`-`<) (^`-`^) (>`-`)>GTFO (alternately: Kambox…but BOXELOT is clearly better.)


    Clean Vocals Guy

    The randomly-chosen dude in the band, who probably plays a few guitar notes as well. His only purpose is to randomly interrupt the flow of a song with (sometimes pseudo-rapped) words. Fact: 95% of them are bad, because they are generally patterned after that fuck from Linkin Park for some reason.


    Daviding
    Mostly unknown (or previously shitty) band releases material that is superior to a band that is far more popular and perceived to be much better. The material is mostly disregarded, because people are stupid.

    Deceased (last.fm)
    Account deleted, or banned. Just so you don’t think that I think they’re actually dead. Seriously though, they probably are.

    Dio
    That’s MOTHERFUCKING DIO to you.


    Fangirling (language used: Fangirl)

    Same word applies to males or females. It’s defined as lots of words or dancing about how much you love a band, food, singer, Marco, Tom Cruise, spiders, weird French metal, symphonic polka-rap, Emilie Autumn, Tarja, Anette, The Bird Song, Mervin Toadbind, Twilight, Mark Jansen, Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, soccer, Amaranthe, Star Wars, or something else. (MOOWNY: ಠ_ಠ , no but seriously you’re awesome, thanks in advance for Scandinavia)


    The Heart Asks Pleasure First
    OMFG THA T SHIT CAME OUT FOR REAL DUDE BRO THEY RLSD IT ON BIRDS SONG SINGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I PREPODROSFHAIOGarfaweo9067834-7 z no but seriously I don’t care, it’s okay I guess


    Heilig_Zorn (person)

    I searched google images for “douchebag with tophat”…this seems appropriate enough.

    (Deceased) The biggest douchebag in the world. Used as a noun: Someone who is acting like the biggest douchebag in the world, or waging a nonsensical and antagonistic war against genre usage, when nobody else actually gives a shit (or they’re clearly trolling him/her).


    Jansenology (religion)
    The religion of Mark Jansen worshippers. Its followers are somehow convinced (hypnosis may be involved) that everything Mark Jansen/Epica does is revolutionary, progressive, and the greatest thing to ever happen to symphonic metal. They also regard his lyrics as the new Bible. (Follower: Jansenologist)


    Khanned (also Khanning)

    Sadly, it’s over.

    Named for Roy Khan, this is when a male lead singer completely takes over a track and single-handedly makes it awesome. The female equivalent is either “Stenned” (Vibeke Stene, formerly of Tristania) or “Welched” (Florence Welch of Florence + the Machine). I haven’t decided yet.


    KingMichael

    Now known as KingMichael_IV. Used to be King of the Trolls…now he just kinda hangs out and randomly drops a knowledge bomb on the world. He is most easily identified by his iconic avatar (seen above).


    Krypping (or Kryptering/Krypped)
    A band somehow snakes its way into your consciousness and onto your playlist for reasons that are unclear to you. You don’t even remember downloading or buying it. IT’S JUST THERE. (Named for Krypteria, because seriously where the fuck did they come from)


    Legion of Skeletor

    They’re everywhere.

    Tarja’s most devoted fans. They are often unleashed against perceived slights against Tarja, or when mass downvoting of Nightwish profile pictures featuring Anette is urgently needed. Some believe that Marcelo Cabuli controls their every move.


    Liadzing
    Singlehandedly attempting to improve the perceived image of a nation, due to general incompetence or insanity of your fellow countrymen/women. (Antonym: pep_ing or that one Canadian guy that can barely form sentences-ing)


    Marcelo Cabuli

    Probably destroyed Nightwish, and then selflessly reinvented himself as the savior of mankind. Read his biography here.


    Mark Jansen Principle
    Band seems to have a formula for success, but blatantly doesn’t follow it…usually due to stupidity, ignorance, or conceit.


    Mass Effect 3 -

    WHY??????????????? (MS word thinks I should change Effect to Affect…I’ve never thought about it but I think I agree, regardless, word can GO FUCK ITSELF.)

    First 20-ish hours: Holy shit this game is awesome.

    Last five minutes: What the fuck just happened to me. Fuck people who make video games. I’m never playing another one.


    This video details how it should have been, in a quite eloquent and not at all insane fashion.

    The music was fucking amazing, though. Especially Das Malefitz, Leaving Earth, hell basically all of it…problem is they now mostly make me want to punch myself in the face. I TRUSTED YOU. In conclusion, on a scale from Final Fantasy XIV (0) to Saints Row: The Third (10), I’d give it a 5.25/10. 9.5 for the first 20 hours, 1 for the ending.

    Okay, that's done. Moving on with my life.


    Mervin Toadbind
    The greatest lead singer known to mankind. He is the man, the myth, and the legend behind Kamelot.

    My Keyboard -
    It fucking sucks.

    nDroae
    Insane creator of several mind-bending youtube videos, and other genius-infused things. Makes me seem like a fucking normal in comparison.


    New Jerkstralia, The Grand Duchy of
    The lands I propose to conquer at some point. It will consist of western Canada, Montreal, Luxembourg, Monaco, Scandinavia, and Bhutan. Maybe New Zealand, too. Apply for citizenship and positions now.

    Positions already filled:
    Special Representative Dictator of Scandinavia (Moowny)
    Diplomat suprême à la terre magique de Montréal (Trexacious)


    Nightbox

    Nightwish shoutbox. It’s where you go if you feel like trolling or if you really like Brazil or Russia. You can also go there if you enjoy fighting with people over who should be in the profile picture.


    Nightwish

    Above: There are no words.

    If you’re here, and you don’t know, I don’t know how. I just realized, my fucking avatar is broken-ish. Okay, it fixed itself. I blame you for all of it.


    Randoms

    Someone completely unmemorable or forgettable that is posting in your favorite shoutbox right now.

    Rubicon Effect (or Principle)
    An album suddenly takes a huge downward turn in quality toward the middle, from which it never recovers. Named for Rubicon by Tristania, which is probably the most egregious example.


    Rules, The
    READ THEM HERE BEFORE YOU PROCEED.

    A legendary journal authored by fujikiri. YOU NEED TO KNOW IT. Side note: If any of the rules appear to not make sense anymore, that makes them even more important.


    Sami Vänskä

    SEE ALL THAT SMOKE??? LOOK AT IT. THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A SWIRLING FOG OF FUCKING GENIUS.

    The true talent behind Nightwish, and the inventor of symphonic metal. Everyone else in the band’s history is just lip/guitar/keyboard/drum-synching what he recorded previously.


    Tarja Picture Patrol

    Group of mostly random jerks led by HORRHAYY (deceased), that would do nothing but bitch about pictures featuring Tarja being voted up as the profile picture for Nightwish. It’s now mostly disbanded, except for random Brazilians/Russians/fangirls, or people doing it sarcastically.


    Tarjatard
    Anyone who says this is a fuckbag and I hate them in advance. Just so you know. No, I don’t know why. Although it is true, the most ardent Tarja fans are retards. Come on, you know I’m right. Same goes for the most ardent Anette fans, actually. I hate all of you equally =D

    THREAT LEVEL DARK PASSION RUBICON (always in caps)
    A band has just changed lead singers, and thus the expectations for their next album are widely varied. But it’ll probably suck.


    Tuomas Holopainen

    Notable keyboardsexual founder of Nightwish. Marcelo’s sworn enemy.


    Tuomasism
    Exactly the same as Jansenology, just replace Mark Jansen/Epica with Tuomas/Nightwish.

    Xandbox
    Xandria shoutbox. Never go there. Seriously. You’ll regret it. (also lol Xandbox = Sandbox omfg)

    Xandria’d
    Basically the same as cloned, while putting on the façade of being a new entity.


    I DON’T HAVE STUPID NAMES FOR THESE ONES YET.

    - “Is this supposed to be fucking hilarious? Because…it is.” (Unintentional Comedy Track) Examples: Get The Hell Out Of My Way, Song of Myself, Eternity, many others that I can’t think of right now.

    - WAIT WHO THE FUCK WAS THAT TALKING IN THAT SONG. I swear it was someone famous. (Completely random talking in the middle of a track, seems to not be any of the band members)

    - Acting like you’re rolling with a slow song, only to abruptly change the entire song after a minute or two.

    - Ending a song nonsensically or just outright horribly. Non-song example: Mass Effect 3.

    - Ending a song awesomely after the rest of it fucking sucked. (possibly The Epica Effect?)

    - Band that somehow dominates your charts constantly despite being nothing like any of the other bands on your charts


    I plan on expanding the Jerktionary someday. Now you’re probably saying something like “Well, I think it was long enough, Jerk.” FUCK YOU. And, that’s GRAND DUKE JERK TO YOU, FUCKER.



    I can't help myself.

  • Epica - Requiem for the...who really cares about the end of this anyway let's leave…

    9 Mar 2012, 20:33 by jerkjones

    Taking a break from the eternal war of the Antagonettes vs. Legion of Skeletor vs. Tuomas's Equally Creepy Fanbase vs. Marcelo Cabuli (aka the Nightwish shoutbox, aka Nightbox, aka what the fuck is happening here), it's time to turn to another, slightly less disturbing, perhaps slightly less talented, and less pretentious (well…maybe) symphonic-ish metal-esque group, Epica (aka European Project for Ice Coring in Antarctica). Apparently, they made something new, and they made it quite clear in the title that you shouldn't fucking care.

    Unluckily for them, I have decided, against my better judgment, to care for a few minutes.



    1. Karma
    Being that they ripped off their entire band name from Kamelot (or something), I guess there's no harm it doing it again for one song.

    SEMI-EPIC INTRO/10


    2. Monopoly on Truth
    Oh sweet mother of fuck, is this going to be a politically-charged symphonic metal album? I think I'm going to throw up a little.

    YOU'RE FROM THE NETHERLANDS (probably). IT'S LIKE HOOKERDRUGSFOODHOTCHICKTOPIA. YOUR COMPLAINTS ARE INVALID. But seriously though, before we get too deep into this, I don't think I've ever listened to an Epica album beginning to end before...so this should be interesting.

    This is how I've reacted to basically every long Epica track ever. I see their point, but...it's just...boring. There's really nothing exceptional happening here, either.

    Well, okay, now that we're in the second half, things might be changing slightly. The final 3:30ish was a lot better than the first two. They actually unleash Simone and Company (future side-project) instead of doing the whole song in some kind of slightly-modified screaming monotone. Y U NO MAKE THAT SHIT THE WHOLE SONG???

    First Half: (6.3/10)
    Second Half: (8.7/10)



    3. Storm the Sorrow
    Like the beaches of Normandy, Storm that jerk Sorrow and MAKE IT YOUR BITCH. General Mark Jansen philosophy is to have the best track of the album somewhere in the 3-5 range.

    I just realized that I wasn't paying attention to the first 1:30. DAMNIT, IMGUR.

    That's basically how I feel about it now that I'm actually listening. If you can name all of these people, you totally win. I can name everyone except the hockey dude, gorilla, and the tie kid.

    Mark "Growling Vocals because I can't sing but I still want to be the important guy like non-Jesusy non-singy Roy Khan or something okay because my ego is quite large even though no one knows who the fuck I am" Jansen is better utilized in small (or non-existent) portions...he's in this song for approximately 20 seconds.

    There are some screamers that can carry a fucking band, and he isn't one of them. They realized this here, and big surprise, the song was good. Once again, the end improves upon the rest of the song, which is actually sorta impressive. RECURRING TREND ALERT.

    (8.75/10)


    4. Delirium
    Oh sweet jesus IT's A HYMN OR SOMETHING. A HYMN OF FANCY HUMMING. LIKE, A HYMN. okay it's over SLOW TRACK or are they trying to trick me? At 6:07, I assume there will be a random transition to insanity at some point.

    Or...maybe not. Well, not a full transition. But, despite that, this is actually quite fucking passable. Or at least, that's what I think, for now. Ask again later. Simone carries the shit out of the song.

    (8.5/10)


    5. Internal Warfare
    It's like what happens after you eat at Pizza Hut, I guess. Well, they hit a few good points, but it just seems like this song is missing something. I don't know what the hell it is, and it's bothering the shit out of me. Oh, there he is LOL.

    HAY GUYS GRUNT SOLO 321 RGHRHAGHRGHRGHAGHRGHARGGRHARGHA!!!!!

    NO MARK YOU FUCK oh wait he's the boss of us GO AHEAD BRO YOU'RE THE MAN!!! The last minute (to be precise, 52 seconds), once again, is awesome. WHAT THE FUCK. Their strategy for ending songs appears to be adapted from the last bit of this song.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=-GpTTf175aE#t=175s
    Well, youtube embedding appears to be fucked, so yeah. Two minutes (or 52 seconds). When it’s with me, you only need two minutes, girl. Because I'm so intense.

    I demand an Epica/Flight of the Conchords collaborative ultra-album. Or, maybe just give me another Flight of the Conchords album. Because (spoiler alert) Epica is about to go all indifferent with this.

    (8.6/10)


    6. Requiem for the Indifferent
    You know what? I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. GOD THE SONGS ON THIS ALBUM ARE LONG. The ADHD (fancy word for American, in case you didn't know) part of me is kind of wondering what Mass Effect 3 is doing right now NO. THIS. DAMNIT.

    Okay, looks like we're in for an extended intro session, and the obligatory semi-symphonic metal song with Arabic influences song that is on every album in the genre ever. Just when you think it's going too long OH THERE THEY ARE.

    Well, half of it is already over, and nothing much is happening. We're in the 7 range right now. We'll see if it's a repeat of the first long track...whatever it was called. I see what they were going for here, but it never really happened. It has small moments where they're getting close to awesome, and then it GUYS GRUNT SOLO ASRGHAGRHGARHAGRHAGRHHGAHRGHRAGHAGRHGAAAAA

    With about 90 seconds left, Mark's all like DON'T WORRY GUYS I GOT THIS...yeah no you don't. The last minute isn't up to par with the previous tracks. Still good, but no.

    I see randoms heaping praise on this song, and I assume they were like, "well, I just kinda started doing something else halfway through it, but it was long, so IT MUST HAVE BEEN GOOD (10/10)"

    (7.1/10)


    7. Anima
    Also known as a boss/summon from several Final Fantasy games.

    IT'S SORT OF LIKE A PIANO-Y INTRO OR SOMETHING/10


    8. Guilty Demeanor
    Now, this shit better not go all Rubicon on me. There's really nothing happening in this obvious filler track. Now I’m remembering what I always hated about Epica. They definitely don't hesitate to bring on the so-ridiculously-obvious-that-you-just-needed-to-kill-time tracks.

    (5.5/10)


    9. Deep Water Horizon
    ...what? Okay, I can figure this out.

    It's a movie, starring Robert Duvall, Morgan Freeman (Deep Impact), Kevin Costner, Dennis Hopper (Waterworld), Sam Neill, Laurence Fishburne (Event Horizon), and Samuel L. Jackson (because he is awesome and in every movie ever). Together, they prevent a comet from destroying a particularly important black hole, which also happens to be a gateway to hell...which is an alternate Earth covered by water. They also collectively make up just about the most awesome cast ever. They'll need a dump truck (aka dumper truck, tipper, or tipper lorry for you foreign types, seriously learn to word correctly) for all the goddamn oscars.

    We have to end for a DYING DEAD FULL OF BLOODY CAKE (rough translation). SLOW SONG ALERT. I'm sorry, but I lost interest in this song. It seemed...meh. Yet again, it improved towards the end...which wasn't too much of a challenge.

    Uh...I think the Rubicon Effect is in play here.

    (6.5/10)


    10. Stay the Course
    HAY GUYS. What song name says "we're here to party", but also "we're not going to change anything"?

    But seriously, it's making sense why they chose the word "indifferent". Because I'm quickly losing the will to keep wading through the train wreck this album is quickly becoming.

    (5/10)


    11. Deter the Tyrant
    Could be time for a semi-angry filler track. I thought we just had one of those? NO, IT WASN'T ENOUGH. This one seems slightly better than the previous four...dunno why.

    LOL GADDAFI WUT. And of course, he kicks off the EPICA TWO MINUTE WARNING INITIATIVE, which ends up misfiring.

    (6.8/10)


    12. Avalanche
    That's what it's been after track 5. A FUCKING AVALANCHE OF INDIFFERENCE...that should have been the album title. Seriously, after 22 minutes of filler, this song better be fucking awesome.

    Well, this song was semi-decent, despite Jansen's protests. This has been the pattern of the entire album, I've figured it out. Take notes.


    1. Song winds up, things seem promising.
    2. Mark: LISTEN TO ME.
    3. Simone: okay here I am, relax it'll be an okay song I promise, also check out my hair
    4. Mark: NO, FUCKING LISTEN. I AM EPICA.
    5. Simone and rest of band: I guess we’re giving up on this one, then?
    6. Mark: (10 seconds later) okay seriously my vocal cords are fucked guys help
    7. Rest of Band: LAST TWO MINUTES LET'S DO THIS oh wait the song is over, fuck (tracks 2-5 actually had two minutes to spare)


    Avalanche is basically the same...except somehow a little better than the last...six tracks? Fuck, are they killing time leading up to something, or is it just like this

    Nuclear Blast and Epica: SHIT WE NEED MONEY AND ONLY HAVE FOUR TRACKS!!!
    Mark:

    (7.3/10)


    13. Serenade of Self-Destruction
    Apparently someone fucked up, and a lot of people got the instrumental version LOL. Way to go Nuclear Blast, as if you weren't already inept enough.


    Nuclear Blast employee Anders Kohl surveys the blueprints of Requiem For The Indifferent.

    Did I get the instrumental version...yeah I'm pretty sure I did...unless the vocals in this song consist of just random harmonies. Well, I could dig up the real version, but I'd rather not.

    FUCK, WELL, I guess if I have to dig up Nostalgia, I might as well do the same for this. The prospect of another ultra-long track is fucking daunting as hell at this point. I'm totally over this album right now. It's been so long since I listened to something even mildly entertaining. This song as a whole isn't bad, but it's certainly not awesome, either. I really don’t care enough to explain why.

    -1 for NUCLEAR BLAST LOL OOPS (now that I've used the words Nuclear Blast three times I assume this journal will be magically deleted in the night by spies)

    (6.55/10)


    14. Twin Flames (Soundtrack Version) (Bonus Track)
    Since every album ever is required by law to have a bonus track, Epica has delivered theirs here.

    It's labeled as SOUNDTRACK VERSION for some reason...oh, that's why. It sounds like it was lifted from the soundtrack of some pretentious semi-budgeted movie.

    Big surprise, it's pretty forgettable. No Jansen though, that's a slight plus.

    (6/10)


    15. Nostalgia (yet another bonus track for some reason)

    I DIDN'T GET THIS ONE.

    NOT SPECIAL. But wait, here's youtube. Well, It's not on youtube...and I stopped caring long, long, LONG AGO. FUCK THIS SONG.


    THE BEST OF THE INDIFFERENT.
    1. Storm the Sorrow
    2. Last 3:30 of Monopoly on Truth
    3. Internal Warfare
    4. Delirium
    5. don’t bother with the rest…well…maybe Avalanche


    What the hell. This is a perfect example of when a band has no idea what actually works for them, and just starts doing whatever the fuck they want. This theory will be forever immortalized as the MARK JANSEN PRINCIPLE. Or…they just didn't give a fuck about the last 2/3rds of the album. Can't say I'm really that surprised, as they told us right there in the title. WE SHOULD HAVE FUCKING KNOWN.

    Once again, I end a review hating everything about music and its counterparts.

    Fuck you, Nuclear Blast…and by association, planet Earth.

  • Xandria vs. Amaranthe vs. Nightwish: TRIPLE DUEL II (includes BONUS FEATURES!)

    26 Feb 2012, 08:44 by jerkjones

    Tl;dr – THIS IS LONG AS FUCK. Especially if you have a tenuous grasp of the English language (like me). 3,400-ish words, apparently. I should write a fucking book. Uh...scroll down to the result, I guess? Good luck.


    Yeah, I’m writing another journal, this already seems like a lost cause. Instead of continuing in the vein of my previous journal like you would expect, here comes…

    TRIPLE DUEL: THE REVENGE.

    (Triple Duel #1, Kamelot vs. Tristania vs. Tarja, is here)


    To kick this shit off, by popular request, a sneak preview of an entry from the forthcoming Jerk K. Jones Encyclopaediae For Prescient New Jerktopians*.

    The jerkjones Rating System, est. 2007

    #Rating - Explanation (Example Band, Song, or Situation), starred items explained below

    1 - Nickelback. (Nickelback)
    2 - Knife -> Ear (Vulture)
    3 - I guess it could be considered music, but it could also be considered a war crime in some countries (The latter part of Song of Myself)
    4 - Well, that didn't work at all. (A lot of Nightwish's early throw-away tracks**)
    5 - Okay, well, you made a song. Congrats. Don't try to brag about it, because it wasn't good. (a lot)
    6 - Not bad. I'm still slightly embarrassed to be listening to this. (Turn Loose the Mermaids)
    7 - I reluctantly approve of this. You're going in the right goddamn direction, but you're also in the fucking DANGER ZONE. I overuse the shit out of this rating. (A lot)
    8 - I'll probably claim it's awesome for a while (see 9), then realize it is just good, nothing more (a true 8). (Death of a Martian, Ain't No Rest for the Wicked, many others)
    9 - This is pretty motherfucking rad. (Ghost River, basically everything by Flight of the Conchords/The Dead Weather/Queens of the Stone Age/Silversun Pickups)
    10 - HOLY FUCKING SHIT MIND EXPLOSION. (Ghost Love Score, Endogenisis, Rusted Wheel, In the Fade, Flash, Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots Pt. 1. Sometime I'll explain why these are the Jerk F. Jones Official Benchmarks of Modern Music™)

    Also, for my knee-jerk reaction type reviews, you can generally knock at least a point off of my original ratings after a week or two (unless it's 9.5+, those are generally pretty accurate). Like any self-respecting World Coppian*** subject, I like to overreact. In my case, it's to mid-level songs with redeeming qualities such as rad guitar solos, bombastic motherfucking symphonies, something involving explosions or gunfire, and guttural insanity. Just knowing that has placed me in the 97th self-awareness percentile in New Jerktopia***...which isn't saying much.

    Example:
    SHIT DOES THAT SONG HAVE A SIREN IN IT DURING THAT DUDE'S 3 MINUTE GROWLING SOLO???????? 8.4/10, WHAT'S NEXT FUCKERS??****

    Two weeks later:
    HOLY FUCKING CHRIST WHY DO I DRUNK REVIEW??? 5.4/10.

    The under-rating corollary – I rarely underrate shit anyway, so don't worry about it. Not that anyone actually cares.

    Triple-duel situations – Songs are scored against each other in sequence, with the highest rated gaining three points, second two, last one. TIES ARE UNACCEPTABLE. The winners have the highest point total when: A. No more tracks left, or B. I give up on the bands involved. In case of a tie at the end, the winner is usually whoever I fucking feel like should win.


    * For the sake of the sanity of all you mortal humans, this will likely never see the light of day in full.
    ** Uh…a lot of examples go here. Think Tutankhamen, and you’re on the right track.
    *** Pseudonyms I made up for the USA, see Arabesque in here
    **** This song doesn’t actually exist…I think I dreamed it (most likely, anyway).


    (To be continued…?)


    ONWARD TO THE MAIN EVENT.

    Today we’ll stack up the supposedly epic Imaginaerum from Nightwish(already reviewed here) against a recent release from Xandria (Neverworld’s End), and a year-old release from Amaranthe (Amaranthe, I didn’t know that it was old until I already mostly finished this journal, whoops, I added in random references to that fact afterwards). Here's where I'd blather on in broken German about all the things I don’t know about Xandria, if I remembered any from the classes I took. (German classes, not Xandria classes sweet Jesus what are you thinking?!?!?)

    LIVING IN JAPAN MADE ME FORGET MY BOOK-LEARNINGS. NOW ALL I CAN THINK ARE FLASHING LIGHTS, TENTACLES, AND COSPLAY.

    ...let's move on.

    Now you're saying something like "Dear Jerk, I no Nightwish but wat is Xandria n Amaranthe lol?" Stupidly phrased but good question, YOU. All you need to know about them (aka all I know):

    1. Xandria is German (+1)
    2. Symphonic metal-ish...? (fuck I really don’t even know what this means anymore)
    3. Xandria switched lead singers before this album. (usually -1, but ?????????)
    4. Xandria’s new lead singer appears to be a clone of Tarja. (more on this later)
    5. I don’t know anything about Amaranthe…except that this album is apparently almost a year old. TIMELINESS IS FOR SUCKERS.

    WE ARE AT THREAT LEVEL DARK PASSION RUBICON. MY EXPECATIONS ARE NIL. IT'S TURBO TIME.

    In case you can’t figure it out, it’s Xandria track vs. Amaranthe track vs. Nightwish track below. Certain intro/spoken tracks are pre-removed for excellence.


    1. A Prophecy of Worlds to Fall (WELCOME TO ERF) vs. Leave Everything Behind vs. Storytime

    I’m sorry, but whenever I see (X)andria, I can’t help but think of X GON GIVE IT TO YA. Anyway…HERE COMES TARJA-CLONE TO REPRESENT THE LEGIONS OF XANDRIA, IN HER SUIT OF OLD NIGHTWISH CRAP. Amaranthe is not amused, Tuomas is nodding in approval, then in disgust, then in a creepy fashion, and then in approval again. Marcelo Cabuli has found his future muse. Xandria is already searching for their next lead singer in preparation.

    As I reviewed before, Storytime is simply mediocre, so the door is wide open for Amaranthe or Xandria to steal BIG POINTS. APOWTF (hereby referred to in acronym format) has a suitably epic intro…but after that it’s just kind of like…okay I get it, you’re some kind of semi-glorified Nightwish cover band. No points stolen here.

    AND HERE COMES NIGHTWISHSINGLEWITHANE (aka Amaranthe, GET IT????). The first song is catchy as fuck, but does it compare with Storytime? Well…no, sadly. As much as I would enjoy trying to argue it, I can’t stake my journalistic reputation dishjoidfjhoidf yeah I’m just fucking with you. I’m totally giving Amaranthe the points. I don’t know why you’d expect anything else from me.

    Amaranthe, Nightwish, Xandria


    2. Valentine vs. Hunger vs. Ghost River

    Valentine, I thought, was actually pretty good. They’re still blatantly stealing from Nightwish and friends, but this track at least makes it sounds relatively decent. It simply can’t compete with the best track on Imaginaerum, though. Ghost River shows that Tuomas still has a little bit of awesome left somewhere deep behind the creepy exterior.

    Then there’s THE HUNGER. The first few seconds made me think I had accidentally queued up a Dance Dance Revolution soundtrack somehow. You know, I kind of like Amaranthe’s sound for some reason (which annoys the shit out of me)…they’re like new Lacuna Coil with a soul, and less shitty backing vocals. It’s close, but I think Valentine is slightly better.

    Nightwish, Xandria, Amaranthe


    3. Forevermore vs. 1.000.000 Lightyears (you crazy foreigners) vs. Slow, Love, Slow

    I kind of thought Slow, Love, Slow was pretty good the first time around. Now, can the DAVIDS SHOCK THE WORLD? I’m waiting for something to actually happen in Forevermore…still waiting…I guess it’s going to just continue like this. It’s not bad…but not good either.

    If you just looked to the top of the page to see what rating this should get, WELL DONE…I just did too. It seems to be a 6.5.

    1DOT000DOT000 Lightyears is…uh…different. I think it’s better than Forevermore, but we’ll never know for sure. I tend to overrate any song with space references, though. IF YOU HAVE ONE THOUSAND REASONS TO STAY, THEN I’D BE ONEDOT000DOT000 LIGHTYEARS AWAY.

    Nightwish, Amaranthe, Xandria

    For those of you keeping score at home: Nightwish 8, Amaranthe 6, Xandria 4.


    4. Euphoria vs. Automatic vs. I Want My Tears Back (Now)

    I didn’t really care for I WANT MY TEARS BACK…NO SERIOUSLY RIGHT NOW GIMME the first time I ran through Imaginaerum…and nothing has changed. I actually think Xandria’s effort on Euphoria is better. Now, can Amaranthe destroy them both and tie it up? I’m not sure why all of Amaranthe’s tracks start like weird euro-dance songs from the 80’s but…I find it disconcerting. I just realized that all of their songs sound exactly the same. This is not good for the future. I just listened to it back-to-back with I Want My Tears Back…NOW…and I just can’t do it.

    Xandria, Nightwish, Amaranthe


    5. Blood on My Hands vs. My Transition vs. Scaretale

    Scaretale is as fucking weird as you’d expect, living in the skull of Tuomas for a few minutes. That is, Tuomas after he’d just watched 37 hours of Tim Burton movies, while Anette danced around him wearing a clown suit and screaming about Disney movies. Actually, that’s probably how it is inside his head anyway.

    I’VE SEEN IT. THE HORROR. SHOOT ME NOW.

    Despite all those things working against Scaretale…it’s okay. I’ve come to terms with it. The title of Amaranthe’s song clearly refers to the fact that this song doesn’t kick off with a few seconds of weirdness, for once. After that, Amaranthe shows their ability to recycle…wait, did I just repeat the last track, NO I DIDN’T. Wow. Blood On My Hands…Tarja? Seriously, Tarja-Clone needs to get the hell out of my brain.

    Nightwish, Xandria, Amaranthe


    6. Soulcrusher vs. Amaranthine vs. Arabesque

    Arabesque is an instrumental track, so hopefully these other fucking slackers take the opportunity to get back in the goddamned game. SOULCRUSHER has a jerkjones approved song name, so it better be awesome. Parts of Soulcrusher are just fucking weird, and I swear they stole most of it from some obscure early-era Nightwish song, but it’s still better than Arabesque.

    Now, from Amaranthe’s Amaranthe, we have…Amaranthine. WAT SLOW TRACK. The cycle is broken. Their clean vocals guy sounds way too much like the DragonForce fuck, so I kind of want to punch him through the internet. AND NOW SCREAMY GUY. HOW MANY FUCKING VOCALISTS DOES THIS BAND HAVE? I think it’s four. Clone-Tarja, Clean Vocals Guy, Hybrid Guy, and Angry Growl Guy. Unless I just invented Hybrid Guy.

    Xandria, Amaranthe, Nightwish.

    SIXTH TRACK UPDATE: Nightwish 14, Xandria 12, Amaranthe 10

    I just typed sixth with an e. FUCK YOU, AMARANTHE.


    7. The Dream Is Still Alive vs. It’s All About Me vs. Turn Loose the Mermaids

    It appears Amaranthe has abandoned their formulaic weird intro. Good, because it sucked. The rest of the track gets back to the 1-5 format though, although it’s still decent. I can’t really fault them too much for copying themselves, because every other band close to the genre does it anyway. WAIT JK I CAN LOL. Turn Loose the Mermaids is boring, and mostly jacked from some random pop singer, so I’ll equally fault them. Once again, a slow Xandria track matches up with a Nightwish slow track. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

    While Xandria’s new lead singer is blatantly a Tarja-Clone…she still has a pretty good voice. Kind of a shame she’s wasted on such a lackluster band. I’m giving them the points for effort (and because this’ll probably be a blowout if I don’t, AND WE CAN’T HAVE THAT).

    Xandria, Nightwish, Amaranthe. HOLY SHIT XANDRIA IS DOWN BY ONE.


    8. The Lost Elysion vs. Call Out My Name vs. Rest Calm

    The Lost Elysion seems like it could have been good, but just ends up…meh. I swear to god, it sounded like she said “FUCK THE LOST ELYSION” several times. Not checking to see if that’s what it actually is, I’ll just assume like I normally do. Several people are obsessed with Rest Calm…but I don’t really see what the appeal is. Just seems like another semi-angry semi-slow generic Nightwish mid-album track. It’s better than Xandria’s effort…but that doesn’t say much.

    AMARANTHE RETURNS TO THEIR ROOTS. ELECTROORSOMETHING-INTRO ENGAGE. Seriously, every time I hear that shit, I think of this. I don’t know why or how or what the fuck happened to me…but I think this is my favorite track of this album so far, well, except for 1DOT000DOT000 Lightyears. WHY???

    Amaranthe, Nightwish, Xandria


    9. Call of the Wind vs. Enter the Maze vs. The Crow, The Owl And The Dove (and the Wardrobe)

    Random tracks are refusing to link properly I don't know what the hell

    I’d like to take this opportunity to point out that I originally had Epica typed in as the second band in this triple duel. I know, you fuckers are probably thinking that would have made for a better and less predictable showdown, but fuck waiting two(ish) weeks, I’M IN THE GODDAMN ZONE OF PROLIFERANCE NOW, plus that’d just throw Mass Effect 3 and other Life Obstacles into the mix, and those are battles Epica/Nightwish/Xandria can’t win. SO YOU CAN GO TO HELL. Anyway, Epica’s ninth (non-intro including) track would have been “Avalanche”…which, as it turns out, is the original band name of Amaranthe. THIS WAS MEANT TO BE. FUCK YOU, UNIVERSE.

    Call of the Wind is starting like The Islander…sort of. Although, every one of their tracks starts like a random Nightwish track that I can’t really place off the top of my head, so it’s nothing special. About three minutes, we are on full-on ISLANDER ALERT. But, it’s still probably better than The Bird Song.

    And then there’s Amaranthe…mentally steeling myself for the dance intro. IT HAPPENED AGAIN LOL. THIS BAND IS SO FUCKING WEIRD. But I sadly think I like it now. Every song sounds almost exactly the same (except the slow one)…but at least it’s a decent blueprint, with a hilarious intro. And hilarity is worth something, if only to temporarily break the mind-bending cycle of fucking weird Nightwish-esque music (because, let’s face it, it’s basically Amaranthe against a Nightwish cover band and Nightwish).

    The Bird Song wins the award for “Weirdest Second Single Selection in History”. I mean, they’ve got actually decent tracks like Ghost River, Last Ride of the Day, and a BETTER slow track in Slow, Love, Slow, and they pick this? I mean, it’s passable, but still, WUT.

    Amaranthe, Xandria, Nightwish. THAT JUST HAPPENED.

    I’d like to point out that somehow, Amaranthe is the lone competitor to gain (I JUST TYPED GAIN WITH AN E. THREE TIMES IN A ROW. FUCK. This review is melting my brain.) first place back-to-back, AND last place back-to-back. WHAT????

    UPDATE: Nightwish 19, Xandria 18, Amaranthe 17. THE LEAD IS TENUOUS.


    10. A Thousand Letters vs. Director’s Cut vs. Last Ride of the Day

    Fortunately for Nightwish, their lead appears to be safe…FOR NOW. Because, as we all know, Last Ride of the Day is one of the better tracks on the album. I’m assuming when Tuomas named this song “Last Ride of the Day”, it had a double meaning…the second meaning being that it’s the last good track on the album. NAILED IT. Now, can these other jerks somehow steal points? Well, Amaranthe continues to stick with their plan. DEVIATION IS DEATH. The Director’s Cut doesn’t change this movie at all. Moving on to Xandria, A Thousand Letters is actually a semi-decent slow-ish track. Not better than Last Ride, though.

    Nightwish, Xandria, Amaranthe


    11. Cursed vs. Act of Desperation vs. Song of Myself

    While Song of Tuomas starts out decently enough, it suddenly and inexplicably degrades into a shitty poem, less than halfway through. Yeah. Thanks for the epic track OH WAIT NO. The two point lead is suddenly in serious jeopardy. Cursed just seems like it was randomly thrown together…I don’t know what’s going on. I think Amaranthe…wins by default.

    I just noticed that some random dude took a page out of my book and tagged Amaranthe as “‘”…seems pretty accurate. If Nightwish, Paramore, Europe (the band), DragonForce, a disco ball, a random death metal band, and Avenged Sevenfold got together and had some kind of horrendous love child, it would be Amaranthe. Think about that.

    Amaranthe, Xandria, Nightwish.

    Nightwish 23, Xandria 22, Amaranthe 21.

    THE FINAL ROUND. FIGHT.


    12. The Nomad's Crown vs. Serendipity vs. LOL WRAP IT UP(Imaginaerum)

    Serendipity…are they finally straying from the formula? COULD IT BE? No..wait…no…I don’t know yet. Nope, here comes scream guy. But honestly, the album ends on a decent enough note, not nearly as horribly as I assumed. I figured it’d be some kind of catastrophic train wreck. They still, somehow, have a chance.

    The Nomad’s Crown, at nine minutes, would appear (from the outside) to be Xandria’s Epic Track™. Now, can they possibly BRING DOWN GOLIATH? I mean, Imaginaerum was decent enough, but it was simply an instrumental that recycled every previous track. To be fair, Xandria hasn’t done much here other than rip off old Nightwish. There’s certainly nothing exceptional happening with this final track. It seems like it might be going somewhere about halfway through…but no. To be perfectly honest, it’s boring as fuck. Amaranthe is the only band that didn’t just mail in the last track. FUCK.

    Amaranthe, Nightwish, Xandria

    FINAL: Nightwish 25, Amaranthe 24, Xandria 24.


    Well, okay. The point spread should probably be slightly larger, but it’d still be closer than I expected. I did give points to Xandria and Amaranthe a couple of times when they didn’t really deserve it, simply to spite the world. I’d have to give Amaranthe 2nd, because their weird-as-hell style somehow grew on me as the album went on, while the opposite happened with Xandria.

    Now, jerkjones is no metal scientist (debatable), but I’m pretty sure that all this means that my original alcohol-fueled review of Imaginaerum was pretty goddamned accurate. I essentially said that Imaginaerum was nothing special, and the fact that these two random-as-fuck bands hung with it would seem to suggest as much. I’m sure most ULTRA-TRVE Nightwish fans will get to the end of this and say something like “FUCK THAT BEST ALBUM EVER”…[url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWdd6_ZxX8cyeah,%20well,%20you%20know,%20that’s%20just%20like,%20uh,%20your%20opinion,%20man[/url nofollow=yes]. Additionally, you’re wrong. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.


    I seriously should never listen to this much symphonic-ish metal in one sitting again. My soul hurts.

    TIME TO SHUFFLE.

    *weird metal-ish dance intro*

    AMARANTHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, FUCKE. I MEAN FUCK/.dsgnahdpfs’rjus6roi dktu[kjrysdtf


    Next Time: Epica gon get it.
  • Knee-jerk reactions are awesome (AN ONGOING SAGA) PART I: Lacuna Coil

    18 Feb 2012, 05:39 by jerkjones

    Nightwish Lacuna Coil Epica in here somewhere probably, last.fm's journal linking sucks btw


    In case you can't tell, I've listened to like two Lacuna Coil songs, ever. So if you find it aggravating when someone writes about something they know next to nothing about...well...prepare to be aggravated. To continue your aggravation, this is sort of presented in my unoriginal pseudo stream of conciousness format, which I have dubbed STREAM OF AWESOMENESS. I probably stole that from somewhere.



    1. Trip the Darkness

    Generic-sounding nu-metal male voice, check. They strike a decent balance for the first half, but honestly it's mostly forgettable, and sounds like an awkward hybrid of Evanescence and Flyleaf. Neither of which I'm a big fan of. (7/10)


    2. Against You

    Well, apparently they're adopting an antagonistic style against me, because I didn't much care for the first track. Well, they're definitely leaning more toward the weird hybrid than anything else. Also, I don't know how this is GOTHIC METAL. FUCK SOMEONE STOP/SHOOT ME I SOUND LIKE Heilig_Zorn. Someone fucking stop me, seriously. I liked this one a little more than the previous, not sure why. (7.5/10)


    3. Kill the Light

    Well, I probably could have come up with these song names in like 55 seconds. HAY GUYZ WE NEED A SUITABLY GENERIC METAL SONG NAME THAT HAS MEANING, BUT ALSO REFLECTS OUR BADASSERY AND DARKNESS. All random stupidity aside, I actually like this track. They finally hit the right balance between leads here, although everything else is mostly forgettable. FUCK I LEFT WINAMP ON SHUFFLE. GET AWAY, Sirenia. IT'S NOT YOUR TIME. (8/10)


    4. Give Me Something More

    Exactly what I was thinking. Can we keep up the trend of improvement? jerkjones sez: UNLIKELY. Something about church bells and acid rain.This is not promising. I mean, it's okay, but these fuckers need to give me something more. GET IT????????? (7/10)


    10. Losing My Religion

    FUCKING WAIT JUST A SECOND HERE.

    Is this an R.E.M. cover?????????? WHA THRC SDOVGFUCK.

    I've decided to skip ahead to this for the LOL. It totally IS. This is fucking hilarious. Next, Epica is going to toss a Radiohead/U2/Beastie Boys cover into cavalcade of medocrity or whatever the fuck it's actually called. This is not a bad cover, simply because it has to be heard to be believed, similar to Tarja's Still of the Night. RETURNING TO TRACK FIVE. (7.5/10)


    5. Upsidedown

    I think they would be better if they dumped the clean vocals guy and just embraced their straight up "hot female lead is our main attraction"-ness. Seriously, no one cares about that guy. And he's not very good. Stop trying to make yourselves seem like a real band. I don't even know what to think of this. That was a weird as fuck guitar solo.

    UPSIDE DOWN!! UPSIDE DOWN!!! UPSIDE DOWN!!!!

    Okay, stupid clean vocals guy. I FUCKING GET IT, SOME MOTHERFUCKER IS UPSIDEDOWN. (6/10)


    6. End of Time

    Oh god are they going to attempt a slow-ish track? WHO THE FUCK IS THIS. If this is semi-lead singer chick, she sounds weird as fuck here. It's almost like they semi-music-magicked her voice together with clean vocals guy. Other than that moment of crazy, this song is completely forgettable. (5/10)


    7. I Don't Believe in Tomorrow

    ANGRY SONG ABOUT SUICIDE. DO IT. This sounds like KORN LOL. Oh wait, not anymore. Disregard everything I said in the last track, I guess that's her actual normal voice, and I just didn't notice it before. WAY TO GO, ME. Is it just me, or does every song end up sounding the same. It's not just me. IT'S THEM. (6.5/10)


    8. Intoxicated

    Predicting how their songs will go is sort of like predicting how much bird shit will be on my car when I accidentally park under the DOOM TREE in front of my building (generally after working overnight, or after a late-night insomnia-fueled curry/sushi mission).

    The answer is inevitably the same: A FUCKTON.

    Shitty metaphor, you say? LOL I GET IT. Also FUCK YOU.

    IIIIAAAAAIAIIIII GAVE UP ON THIS FAIRYTALE. Seriously, I did. If I understand these lyrics correctly, her "fairytale" is a world that she created, where she is drunk all the time. Yes. That gains this song one point for the ?????????? factor. (7/10)


    9. The Army Inside

    HOLD ON I HAVE TO GET READY FOR WORK.

    ...

    You read those three dots, and I just saved the world of Western Tokyo for eight hours. I just blew my own mind.

    Anyway, this song. I have no idea why, but I think it's my favorite so far, or at least up there with Kill The Light. Why? I...DON'T KNOW. WHAT THE FUCK. (7.8/10)


    11. Fire

    This song is strange. That's...all I've got. (6.5/10)


    12. My Spirit

    They do a decent job with the longer, slower, epic-infused track, but the Italian? talking in the middle is just fucking weird. Overall...it's decent. (7.2/10)




    I think MEH was a word invented for this exact situation. If you want to just chill out and listen to some completely generic music that will inspire nothing inside you, this is like the drug to induce that state. You know, like a coma, where you're awake, but you are just incapable of doing anything because this goddamn music is just like EVERYTHING YOU'VE ALREADY HEARD BEFORE. I would say it's better than Imaginaerum, but that had Ghost River. This has nothing.

    Most of that didn't make any sense, you say? To put it more simply, you shouldn't care about this album. Especially if you never cared about Lacuna Coil before this, like me.

    Clean Vocals Guy, you're fired.

    THE END.





    Next Time: The latest album from one of these bands that I've barely listened to (this is so I can more properly know next to nothing about them)

    - Sirenia
    - Xandria
    - Evanescence
    - Sugababes
    - Something else entirely (tell me, because I don't know what)


    A review on Epica (Feat. Pumpkin Head) and their new crap is already happening, and I've already listened to them a fair amount, so don't tell me that, you jerks.
  • The Greatest Nightwish Song Ever(with lyrics)

    3 Dec 2011, 15:13 by jerkjones

    More Nightwish crap? SERIOUSLY??? Yes.

    Tonight, in an insomnia-fueled stupor, I decided to compile the obviously epic lyrics of this masterpiece, known as Show Me A Whore. It was discovered by one known to us as CGholy. Enjoy.



    On your flame, I'll see...

    On your flame, I'll see you walking
    Star of my night, whore of the sun
    They can't hear you, show me your whore
    Your dinner's served, show you a whore

    If you say "I'll eat your whole heart"
    Don't tell me son, tell me I'll heal
    They can't ease you, sitting with a whore
    Your dinner's served, show you a whore

    Oh, weep then you'll bleed
    Oh, their son pleads

    Hmm, oh, They wrote me in your mourning
    Star of my night, whore of myself
    They can't tease you, show me your whore
    Your dinner's served, show you a whore

    If you say "I'll eat your whole heart"
    Don't help me son, tell me I'm real
    They can't hear you sitting with a whore
    Your deep assault, show you a whore

    They lose your rhythm cleaving
    Alive, here Winter
    They grow some morsels
    Near the beast that lights the fire
    Sleep son, you know
    Fool of error, in the snow

    His memories are near
    And leave the earthy world now, come

    If you say "I'll eat your whole heart"
    Don't help me son, tell me I'm real
    They can't beast you sitting with a whore
    Your deep assault, show you a whore

    Help your missing in the oft
    Prevent the saddle's loss
    Then the writhing hour
    There above the ancient sea

    Some more saw Datsun
    On the glove you're wearing
    Oh have you now?
    Some saw the cotton hour
    There above the ancient sea

    THE END.

    It's remarkably coherent compared to most Nightwish songs.
  • The Definitive Imaginaerum Revaew: You Are Not Prepared

    29 Nov 2011, 01:18 by jerkjones

    tl;dr - It's fucking Nightwish, baby. Yeah this ended up being really long, let's just say that it's certainly not the best album ever, as some jerks would have you believe.


    Now, as you may have noticed, I've been straying from my usual pattern of "randomly review notable albums in the symphonic-gothic-flower-fairy-pop-sapphire-euro-power-speed metal genre, and by review I mean get drunk, go completely insane, and arbitrarily assign number values to the songs". Why is this, you ask? DON'T ASK ME SUCH CRAZY FUCKING QUESTIONS, for one. Secondly, I felt that after I reviewed what seemed like 14 (5) albums in the span of six (7) months (with most of them hovering somewhere in the "meh" category), I was starting to lose touch with the element that makes any review (or anything involving the written word)worth reading: Constant insanity. So, hopefully a release as "epic" as this one will make me actually interested enough to properly vent my insanity.

    With that said...

    Haters and Fangirls of Nightwish, welcome. As the clock strikes midnight in the cold barren wastes of the North, and the album forever known as AEMAEGAENAERAEARUM (Imaginaerum if you're a perfectionist son of a bitch) is leaked far and wide to the very corners of the Earth by our glorious pirate overlords, I SHALL BE YOUR GUIDE INTO THE ABYSS. Being that I have largely avoided/ignored/mocked real information regarding this album, I am clearly the best possible guide. Of course, that's excluding the few times when I watched in amused horror as most of the neo-Nightbox patrons discovered Storytime, those 30-second clips, and the constant flow of suspicious (apparently only to me) overwhelmingly positive reviews, and then proceed to fawn over them like 14-year-old girls (or nDroae) that just discovered Twilight...and then there was/is THE Tarja PICTURE FIASCO which I think is fucking hilarious...am I the only one that understands why? Anyway yeah, if you'd like to read a review that will not hesitate to rip this album a new one if it isn't suitably rad, then look no further.

    SO BUCKLE UP AND HIDE THOSE CHILDREN, FOR TUOMAS HOLOPAINANENAENAIENEN RIDES AGAIN TONIGHT.

    I have Grey Goose mixed with Sunny D. Seems suitable for this. LET'S GET IT ON.



    1. Taikatalvi

    Something in Finnish (probably). Google translate claims it means Winter Magic, but we all know how inaccurate that fucker is, so I'm going to say it roughly translates as TALK CAT ALVIN (or possibly Elvis, my Finnish is pretty rusty). This is the story of one of the darker episodes of Alvin and the Chipmunks, where Alvin is accidentally turned into a cat. He proceeds to hunt Simon and Theodore to the ends of the earth and in the end, brutally kills and eats them. He then engages in mortal combat with an enraged David Seville, who has lost his only source of income. David, armed with a ceremonial katana, eventually ends the catastrophic duel by beheading Alvin. Alvin then wakes up, realizing it was all a dream. The camera zooms out to show the earth, which is suddenly destroyed by a rogue black hole.

    THE END.

    That episode really fucked me up when I was a kid. Maybe it's why I am the way I am. Maybe not. Maybe GO FUCK YOURSELF. (IT WAS AN INTRO AND THUS GETS NOTHING/10)


    2. Storytime

    PEDO-TUOMAS ENGAGE. What are the odds on Tuomas getting nailed on molestation charges at some point during this upcoming tour? No...I'm not talking about what he does to those poor keyboards. Anyway, as the first single off of this album, it's expected to really set the tone of the entire album. In my not-so-humble opinion, it's pretty goddamn disappointing, especially after those new jerks/randoms in the Nightbox hyped the shit out of it and made it seem like the best thing to happen to Symphonic Metal since the invention of female singers, the promotional photo with bad lighting, and Photoshop. If this was some other band, Nightwish fans would bitch about it being a complete ripoff of Amaranth. They'd probably be right. This is the latest and most glaring sign that Tuomas is really running out of ideas. Let's see if this continues going forward. It's a pretty catchy song altogether, the video was okay, and Anette sounds good, but honestly.

    It's just more of the same, with the minor symphonic involvement and robotic guitar riffs, and it's pretty goddamn forgettable. If that's what you're after, then I BELIEVE I HATE YOU. If you're looking for a positive...when is a first single ever the best song on an album? (7/10)


    3. Ghost River

    I could've sworn this was the name of a movie...apparently not. I think I'm simultaneously thinking of Ghost World and Mystic River. Neither of which I have seen. WHAT THE FUCK. Clearly this is a sign from Tuomas, suggesting that I watch them both. Seeing that he is a pasty Finnish keyboard-raping pedophile (<- insert random vowels for those of you who enjoy such atrocities against common sense, also how can you add an A and then pronounce it EEEEEE?????????)...I think I'll pass.

    After the slightly off-kilter first minute it gets a bit better, and I kinda dig the growling vocals. And then you have the obligatory child vocals. If it wasn't for the fucking weird first minute, this could have been amazing. As it is, it’s pretty good. In fact, to be perfectly honest, this might be my favorite non-epic Nightwish track...ever. (pause for collective gasp) They strike a good balance between Marco's growling vocals (which he should probably be doing more of instead of trying to sing), and Anette's higher vocals. All the background stuff is still nondescript, but the vocals are clearly the centerpiece here.

    GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE: this album won't be a COMPLETE train wreck. (9/10)


    4. Slow, Love, Slow

    Now that Tuomas is blatantly stealing song names from (insert singer-songwriter here)'s collection, perhaps I should steal my review of this song from that endlessly positive jerk. OH WAIT, THAT'S EVERY DIE-SLOW NIGHTWISH FAN EVER LOL. Poor people, I used to share your optimism, but I have been hardened by ENDLESS DISAPPOINTMENT. One day, you will know this feeling. And you will learn to like it. Unless you like living a lie, which is cool too if that's how you want to roll.

    Nightwish is attempting some kind of late-night jazz club music, with Anette lounging on a piano played by Michael "Tuomas" Jackson? Seriously? This is the lone song that I instantly hated when I heard the 30-second clip of it. If I'm being perfectly honest here...it's really not bad. They did a decent job leaping way outside of their normal genre. It's actually a pretty rad performance by Anette, and might be the only slow-ish song by Nightwish I've ever truly liked. (8.25/10)


    5. I Want My Tears Back

    Is this a My Chemical Romance song or what? Okay, this sounds exactly like The Islander, but harder...at least, at the beginning. I WANT MY TEARS BACK. OH...NOW. So, you want them now? Oh sweet christ they're doing the handclap. It gets better when they start the folkish insanity at the end...but that doesn't change the fact that it's The Islander Who Wants His Tears Back. (7/10)


    6. Scaretale

    As if a song named "Storytime" wasn't enough...now it's SCARETALE. OKAY. No one lost any sleep naming these songs. I assume a woman (or child, if Tuomas has his way) will be urgently whispering at some point during this song. Simply by noting the pattern of their previous albums (best track somewhere in the middle), I expect this to be the standout track on the album.

    LOL the child thing happened 5 seconds in. I am a goddamned psychic marvel. Long intro-y section is building the fuck out of this. Then the required repetitive guitar riffs...okay. Just when you think it's over, there's more intro...FINALLY. TICK-TOCK TICK-TOCK TICK-TOCK. It's kind of like Sahara, if Anette was going insane. They're certainly doing more than their part for the world's recycling initiative.

    Around 4:00, it just gets fucking weird. I guess I should have seen this coming. The only way I can describe it: If Tim Burton got into music, the result would be whatever is happening to me right now.

    Towards the end, there is a return to normalcy. If the whole song was Sahara Feat. Insanette, it would have been better. Still decent, though. (8/10)



    7. Arabesque

    Something about arabs. The redneck gun-toting American hiding deep within me has an itchy trigger finger now. Furthermore, as an elongated and completely unnecessary side note, someone (presumably Karla aka fujikiri aka CleverFairy aka hates you and me and your favorite band too, unless it happens to be something involving Alex Turner) was pissed off that we AMERICAN types refer to ourselves as American.

    Personally, I'd like to know, what in Satan's glorious name are we supposed to call ourselves with an unwieldy-as-fuck country name like THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (seriously Ben Franklin or whoever the fuck, you're fired at naming countries)? Perhaps United Statesian, North-Central-Americans, Neo-English, Southern Canadians, World Cops, Foreclosure Victims, Debtanauts, Unemployedish, or just Jerks? Okay, I can use Jerks, World/Earth Cops, or possibly Debtanauts, they're more catchy and modern anyway. Our bastardized version of the Olde Queen's Aenglishe can be known as Jerkish or Jerkanese, the demonym could be Jerkian, World Coppian, etc.

    (EXAMPLE OF USAGE HERE.)
    So anyway, many of my fellow World Cops are confused and enraged by things that are different, and one of these things is Nightwish. I mean seriously, if you show me a decent Satan-fearing Jerk that's willing to pay 30 World Coppian New Dollars to import this goddamn album from Western Russia, I'll show you a fucking anti-Debtanaut son of a bitch(SEE HOW IT JUST FLOWS?????).

    YOU WIN. THAT IS AWESOME. WE'RE DONE HERE. BROTHER AND SISTER WORLD COPS, COMMIT THESE TERMS TO YOUR VOCABULARY IMMEDIATELY. GOD BLESS NEW JERKTOPIA.

    Back to your regularly scheduled programming, with Arabesque. According to google translate, this is spanish for "Arabs who". I'm assuming it combines with the next song for "Arabs who turn loose the mermaids". Predictably, this one has some desert-y crap rolling through it. It's sort of like if Hans Zimmer and Danny Elfman took a magic carpet ride with Aladdin through the chase scene through psuedo-Africa in Inception. Once again, it appears we're in for a few minutes of introduction...wait, this song is only 2:57. WHOOPS. Decent instrumental, I suppose. (7/10)



    8. Turn Loose the Mermaids

    It's like Flight of the Valkyries, with SEXY FISH LADIES. Oh right...this is symphonic-euro-power-goth-pasty-lunchbox-flower-pop-elf-not metal. Disregard everything I just said.

    You probably did anyway, so I'll just move on like it didn't happen.

    Portions of this appear to be directly lifted from Heaven Is A Place On Earth, aka that ridiculously horrible song, the one that sounds like this one that you were probably trying to place. You know you hear it. I hope they gave notable Jerkian singer Belinda Carlisle (apparently she was big in the 80's) partial song credit, because seriously, it's pretty blatant. If you like this song, you like LIES. I'm a fan of lies, so I'll give it a shot. As far as their slow tracks...it's alright I suppose. Right now, Anette is fucking carrying this shit. (6.5/10)



    9. Rest Calm

    Yes, as opposed to Rest Angry (the sequel to Drive Angry where Nic Cage is old and in a nursing home, and takes a 2 hour nap while thrashing around the entire time). I'm 67% sure Tuomas went through imdb and threw random Debtanaut-produced movie titles together for the names of all of these songs. Except Scaretale, I don't know what the fuck happened there. Oh...right. I just remembered who and what we're talking about here. IT'S FUCKING NIGHTWISH, BABY. <-- Name of the next album, after Tuomas does his five-year jail stint, and comes back a rapper.

    (If I wasn't too lazy to make it right now, this is where I would put a gangsta-themed Nightwish promotional photo, featuring Tommy Flex, Marc-dogg, Little Emppz, Jukka-Ice, and The Anti-Tarjanette.)

    Seriously, who the hell is this guy and what did he do with Marco? Because he hasn't been good at all in this album when he's trying to sing. The last minute is probably the best part, when Marco isn't trying to sing. (6.3/10)



    10. The Crow, the Owl & the Dove

    I get it. They're all birds LOL. One is evil, one is wise, and one is good...right? IT'S THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY OF BIRDS. I NAILED IT.

    Oh jesus...The Anti-Marco Marco returns in this song and does a lot better, though they might have been liberal with vocalist music-magic. If that's him, I don't even know anymore. This doesn't even sound like Nightwish at times, which has been working well for them in this album. Not so much here. (7/10)



    11. Last Ride of the Day

    Excuse me while I squelch the endless dirty jokes blasting through my head right now. I'll give you a hint, they involve...okay I can't finish that sentence without throwing up.

    Except for the slow tracks and Storytime, Anette has been used in a hit-and-run capacity for the most part...but it appears she'll finally be unleashed here. Surprise of the century: It works. Honestly, I think this is one of the better tracks of the album so far. Don't ask me to explain why. (8.51/10)



    12. Song of Myself

    Well, here's the obligatory EPIC FUCKING SONG. Nightwish's epic tracks invariably get compared to their best one, which is Ghost Love Score. If you disagree, you're wrong.

    This one stacks up decently enough at the beginning. It's certainly better than The Poet and the Pendulum (even though it sounds A LOT like it when it slows down around 4:30). And now they're talking. This song has officially run out of gas (or petrol). AN OLD MAN GETS NAKED LOL. Unintended hilarity meter just exploded. Now I know why Tuomas called this "Song of Myself".

    Seriously, this began with such promise, but now it's devolved into a poem about naked old men or something. That is decidedly not epic. (5/10)



    13. Imaginaerum

    Formerly known as "Imaginarium". I don't think there's ever been a final track from Nightwish that I liked...? Don't feel like looking through their shit to find out. I remember that Meadows of Heaven was garbage.

    OH SHIT WE HAVE ONE MORE TRACK TO KILL. AND IT'S THE TITLE TRACK. Hey, I know, let's copy all of the previous tracks in a fancy orchestra piece. YOU'RE A GENIUS, RANDOM OTHER GUY IN THE BAND. Now we can go home early! A decent idea, but I'd rather have a real song. (6/10)



    This album gains the official rating of ALWAYS RECYCLE.

    While the album as a whole isn't bad, they spent a fair portion of it blatantly stealing from themselves, or slightly stealing from other artists in a disturbingly Nickelback-esque streak of ineptitude. They also used basically the same robotic guitar riff throughout the entire album. Luckily for them, Anette shines in her second album with the band, and lends the album a fair amount of listenability. While I didn't truly hate any of the tracks (except the last half of Song of Myself), none of them, with the possible exception of Ghost River, really stand out as fucking awesome. And the "epic track" was a giant goddamn disappointment, being that more than half of it was talking.


    IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING:

    1. Ghost River
    2. Last Ride of the Day
    3. Slow, Love, Slow
    4. Scaretale
    5. everything else
    6. Song of Myself



    Next Time:

    Tuomas' ridiculously fucked up movie! Yeah, I'm (probably not) actually going to watch it. Free advertisement: THIS JANUARY, STOCKPILE GOODS, AND PREPARE FOR A NUCLEAR WINTER OF UNINTENDED HILARITY.

    If there isn't a character that vaguely resembles Marcelo Cabuli and tries to kill the lead character, then I'm going to have to demand the money I didn't spend back.



    PS: Tuomas, I was just kidding about the pedophile thing, don't sue me for slander

    PPS: Unless it's true, in which case I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO.
  • TWATJJ3: Some more crap about music is (probably) inside

    10 Oct 2011, 14:45 by jerkjones

    for the fans of tl;dr - read bolded words



    LOL IT SAYS TWAT UP THERE

    it's right up there in the subject

    ...

    I need a distraction

    LADIES AND GENTLEJERKS, MR. JOHN TRAVOLTA.



    fin














    Moving on, I felt that I needed a completely unnecessary addendum to my previous journal post, which was a first in the legendary history of my literary exploits, as it shockingly presented a plethora of completely reputable sources and undeniable facts en route to presenting a groundbreaking thesis defining the most notable musical artists in the known galaxy. This stunning piece of avant-garde literature was praised by several notable writers and critics, including the esteemed


    HA I'M JUST KIDDING, I had nothing better to do, so I blathered on about nothing for about 30 paragraphs and now I'm about to do it again, FOR YOUR/MY PERSONAL ENJOYMENT. Also I might have given up on including actual content somewhere in the beginning...so it's basically the same as everything I've ever posted on this site. And I may or may not be doing this because Japan will shortly be destroyed by a typhoon. Oh, right, this isn't the east coast of the US, where a tropical storm and 3.2 earthquake = FUCKING PANIC MODE RED ALERT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Japan's like: 9.0 earthquake and nuclear crisis? I DON'T CARE, LET'S GO GET SOME FUCKING BEEF BOWLS AND WATCH FRINGE. Oh, now there's a power crisis? WHO CARES, GOD I LOVE AIR CONDITIONING LOL

    That reminds me, Panic at the Disco sucks. A lot. Why did it remind me? STOP INTERRUPTING ME.

    also that typhoon was a big swirling joke and it may or may not have been two months ago because that's when I started this and forgot about it, so I'm gonna keep rolling along here.




    YOU ARE NOT PREPARED FOR THE GREATEST VOCALISTS IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE.
    (NOTE: One or more may be dead)
    (Note 2: Two are dead, unless more died recently, news travels slowly here in the future)


    THE MANS

    Mark Lanegan

    KEEP YOUR EYES WIDE OPEN AND YOUR SHOTGUN LOADED. He looks remarkably sort of like I imagine my brother would if he was 20-25 years older.

    Formerly lead singer of the Screaming Trees, and sometimes Queens of the Stone Age, now he migrates between random projects(cleverly titled Mark Lanegan), including his solo stuff, Isobel Campbell & Mark Lanegan, The Gutter Twins, and an amazing UNKLE appearance (Another Night Out). I'm going to kill something if I can't see this dude in concert before he drops dead of a heroin overdose. Because seriously. He probably will, unfortunately. ELLENSBURG REPRESENT, YO.

    Ex: In the Fade, Man in the Long Black Coat, Methamphetamine Blues, Creeping Coastline of Lights, Who Built The Road, The Stations



    Josh Homme

    The Ginger Jesus Christ.

    Queens of the Stone Age personified. MADNESS. It may not always show in the tracks that come out in the end, but if you see this guy live, he's fucking nuts. In a good and stoned/drunk way.

    Ex: Restless, and most QOTSA tracks



    Roy Khan

    OH GOD ROY GET AWAY FROM THE CHURCH oh it's too late

    Kamelot. Epic. Unfortunately, he has been claimed by the icy claw of religion. WILL YOU BE NEXT??????

    Also I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that I predicted this would happen. I totally said somewhere that it would be a South American temptress that tore him away from Kamelot, and I think religion fits that description. For my next prediction, the next lead singer of Kamelot will be German....or something like that.

    Ex: All Kamelot songs with him on vocals. The other guy is bad.



    Freddie Mercury

    If Michael Jackson, Tom Selleck, and some arabian chick with one hell of a voice had a child, it'd probably be him.

    Queen. The Undisputed Champion of Stage Presence and Fucking Ridiculous Vocal Range. HE'S DEAD, JIM.



    Matt Bellamy

    Is it just me, or does he look like David Arquette?

    Muse. While it seems to be cool to hate Muse since they got ridiculously popular and their music was in fucking Twilight(and it doesn't help that they look like douchebags and are british), I just can't bring myself to do it completely. I mean, quite a few of their new songs are absolute shit, but Matt is still one hell of a god damn singer/guitarist. And he gets bonus points for being able to multitask like that, because I sure can't. However, he did marry Kate Hudson, which, in this reporter's opinion, shows a serious lack in judgement. BECAUSE...

    HER MIDDLE NAME IS GARY. LIKE GARY BUSEY LOL


    THIS JERKJONES FACT OF THE DAY IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PONTIAC. RIDE THE SNAKE.

    Ex: Knights of Cydonia, okay seriously from now on just consider this to be "all".



    Bruce Dickinson

    This picture makes him look a lot like that dude who played Sandman in Spiderman 3. Thomas Haden Church. NO ROY DON'T GO BACK IN. GET AWAY.

    Iron Maiden. Recent studies have proven him to be THE MAN. And he'll have you all wearing gold-plated diapers. Also, yes, he is THE Bruce Dickinson...and GUESS WHAT.

    ...he's got a fever.

    And the only prescription...

    ...IS MORE COWBELL.




    THE WOMANS

    Karen O(rzorlzolrzkek)

    'BOUT TO GET FANCY. Sense of style, Korean, and FUCKING CRAZY.

    Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and random other appearances including the fucking amazing Immigrant Song cover collaboration with Trent Reznor. Not really here for straight singing ability, although she's still pretty good. This is more about performance. More than any other female vocalist that I've heard, she just does exactly what the song needs her to do(I don't know what that means), even if it's completely fucking insane. Which she is. Seriously, just for the hell of it, see them live at least once. The one time I did, she spent most of the time screaming incoherently. And it was FUCKING AWESOME. I'm trying to think of a male equivalent...don't think there is one.

    Ex: basically all but especially Gold Lion and Fancy



    Vibeke Stene

    DANCE IN THE HALLS OF INSANITY. also boobs are there

    Formerly of Tristania. Unfortunately, she was lost in the great Norwegian Spice Wars of the 24th century, depriving us of 10+ more years of her ridiculously haunting and awesome voice. It's a crime that she doesn't provide the soundtrack to snowstorms, dark places, evil-looking trees, and goths hanging out in dark corners. Because it'd all be perfect. She has randomly resurfaced briefly a couple of times in the years hence though, inspiring hope among gothic metal enthusiasts (fuck you Heilig_Zorn, wherever you are) everywhere that she may valiantly return from the Northern Wasteland. I mean, If she was guest vocalist on a fucking Nickelback or Black Eyed Peas track, I'd probably listen to it. I can't think of a bigger compliment. So here's to you, dude who probably knocked her up and married her and got her to stop touring. You are most likely a god among men. AND A DIRTY SON OF A VIKING WHORE.

    Ex: Once again all but especially Endogenisis(creepy as fuck but in an awesome way), Equilibrium, Bird



    Anneke van Giersburgen

    KILL ME WITH YOUR THOUGHTS. She seems to be trying to bring the smiling picture back to vaguely-gothic fairy trancey wintry magic pseudo-metal promo shots (or so google images would have me believe).

    The Gathering, and some random stuff I haven't listened to yet (Anneke van Giersburgen with Agua de Annique feat. Anneke van Giersburgen or something like that). As far as I can tell, she is the female version of Mark Lanegan, without all of the hard drugs(as far as I know anyway), completely random side-projects and whiskey-fueled compilations. So how are they even remotely similar, you may ask? DON'T INTERRUPT ME GODDAMNIT. Well, since you had to be a wiseass and actually ask, they don't generally stand out among their peers to the average fleshbag, but when you get done listening to a song involving them, you step back and say HOLY FUCK THAT WAS AWESOME...BUT WHY??? And then you realize...

    ...THAT DUDE THAT I HATE ON LAST.FM WAS RIGHT. THIS DUDE/DUTCH LADY IS FUCKING RAD. AND I AM HUMBLED.

    Ex: Everything by The Gathering excluding what they did after she left (which was/is still decent). also the one time when she did that thing with Within Tarnation.



    Shiina/Shena/Shina/HSianoifa (or however the fuck it should be spelled) Ringo








    okay so that's not really her, here she is I swear


    彼女は日本の女性のイエスキリストです。同意しない場合、私はあなたが完全に間違っていることを通知する後悔していない。今私のオフィスから抜け出す。 *銃声*


    Shena Ringo, Tokyo Jihen, a billion random appearances.

    Normally I hate j-popish stuff and everything it stands for, but seriously, listen to this piece of awesome. (it's apparently a cover...like I'd actually know) Then get everything else. She is a FUCKING WINNER.



    Anette vs. Tarja: The Legend Continues


    They're both pretty good at what they do. SO SHUT THE FUCK UP BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES YOU OR YOUR WEIRD FACE.

    Settle down, Nightwishaeneers, I'm just kidding...

    one of them sucks guess which one ^_______^


    Emily Haines

    I just realized she looks a LOT like Melanie Laurent (the French badass chick from Inglourious Basterds)

    Metric. One of the few Canadians that isn't a blight on music. Perhaps the ONLY Canadian. She also knows how to put on a fucking rad live show.






    Honorable Mention


    En Esch - Leid und Elend. That's all I've got. GOOD DAY TO YOUS.

    Sarah Brightman - I normally don't care for her music (it's too...pop-opera-ish) but she's got one hell of a voice.

    Jenny Lewis - From Rilo Kiley and Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins. She's possibly the hottest redhead in the world (Simone is definitely not natural, because that shit is fucking crazy, SEARCH YOUR FEELINGS YOU KNOW IT TO BE TRUE), also she's a pretty rad vocalist, and possibly the only child star to do anything worth a shit, and as an added bonus, live past 35. SHE WINS THE 80's.

    Joakim Broden - Sabaton. IT'S THE ONE THAT SAYS BAD MOTHER FUCKER. That should make sense.

    Sharon den Adel - Within Temptation. Did you see how I wrote tarnation earlier because I totally did it on purpose. I don't think anyone's used that word in at least 40 years. Anyway, yeah she's okay I guess

    William Shatner - God of music. Also I think he did some other stuff

    Jimi Hendrix - Originally being from Seattle, I am obligated to mention him by law. CAUSE I'M A VOODOO CHILD BABY.

    John Garcia - Simply because of Born Too Slow. GET IT. CAUSE IF YOU PICTURE THE WRONG KIND, YOU KNOW YOU'LL BE TURNING BLIND. GOD ON YOUR HEAD.

    Andrea Bocelli - Con Te Partiro. HE IS BLIND LOL.

    Will Ferrell - speaking of the above, see the spanish version.

    Brian Aubert - Silversun Pickups. He and Nikki Monninger have such similar voices, I sometimes can't tell which one of them is singing. It's pretty awesome.

    Billy Corgan - Smashing Pumpkins, Zwan, self-titled, etc. Yeah, he's completely fucking crazy and weird, but he knows what he's doing. Maybe.

    Claudio Sanchez - Coheed and Cambria. Not only is this guy a fucking badass vocalist, but he can write some seriously fucked up sci-fi stuff. Also he is the perennial winner of the "NO FUCKING WAY THAT VOICE COMES FROM THAT GUY" award.

    Mike Patton - Faith No More. Say what you will about their strange and convoluted style (or lack thereof), but the dude has a ridiculously versatile voice.

    Simone Simons - Epica. boobs

    M. Shadows - Avenged Sevenfold. Because A7X is awesome. And if you disagree, well...you probably already know.



    I'm pretty sure that's the weirdest group of people ever assembled.

    also I was just kidding about the AvT thing okay so don't go fucking insane up in here


    ...or was I?



    Dishonorable Mention

    The dude from Placebo, that fucker from Nickelback, 96% of lead singers in the world, 99.9999% in Canada



    Next Time: A few possibilities.

    1. Imaginaerum Revaew.
    2. Ridiculously Epic Nightbox Tribute finally sees the light of day.
    3. Marcelo Cabuli sues me!

    yeah, that's probably not happening

    you know, because of all those lawyers I have on retainer

    ....
  • The World According to Jerk J. Jones Volume II: THE GREATEST/WORST MUSIC COUNTRIES…

    7 Sep 2011, 08:16 by jerkjones

    The other day I was sitting here staring blankly at the wall shortly after work, and I was like WHAT THE FUCK JOURNAL. I thought about it for about 37 seconds, and realized that throughout my travels across the Afro-Euramerican Region, I had never really asked myself the biggest question in world history:

    WHO IS THE GREATEST AT MUSICKING?

    The answer is far, far below. Prepare to be shocked by my complete lack of knowledge about world music and culture.



    United States


    Many of the best selling artists of all time hail from the US, and our music is probably the most prolific around the globe. Unfortunately, 99.53% of it is absolute shit. We've made you listen to some of the most horrendously popular and awful music in history, and for that I should apologize, BUT IT'S NOT MY GODDAMN FAULT SOIGJPOgkpOKDPOhjpfash. HOWEVER. When we do it right, WE DO IT FUCKING RIGHT. Now. I don't really care for Rap or R&B, but I'm pretty sure we're better at that bullshit than everyone else. I'm pretty sure that's a bad thing.

    GOOD: A lot of grunge stuff (yeah, seriously), metal, rock, alternative, production value (hooray for fucking auto-tune, LET'S MAKE THIS FROG VOICE CHICK/DUDE A MILLIONAIRE, and yes I'm talking about 73 people simultaneously), also Kamelot
    BAD: country music (FUCK YOU TEXAS), nu-metal (fuck you Fred Durst), everything else
    ALSO: CROSSFIRE


    United Kingdom aka Ye Olde Brittania (insert extra vowels where appropriate)


    While they've got an epic history of rock and heavy metal bands...much like Canada, they have also bestowed some horrible shit upon the world. Then again, so have all countries, I guess. I mean, you've got their big giant fairy rock movement, which has spawned bands suck as Radiohead, Coldplay, and their various clones. Yeah, I used to like them, as my listening history will prove, but then one day I fell down a flight of stairs and I became the insolent two-faced fucker that types before you today. Most bands from the UK are horribly overrated in the annals of time (The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, other bands with "The" in the title, etc), but they're still at least decent, unlike many of the so-called classics from other countries.

    GOOD: Iron Maiden, Queen, rock/metal is generally better than the US (because due to the closeness of Canada, the US has been infected by Nickelback and their various clones), Sugababes FUCK YEAH.
    BAD: Rap, Electro, all of their other bullshit club music, lots more that I can't think of


    Germany


    A pretty epic history of always weird, but sometimes fucking awesome stuff. I mean, if a band is from Germany, you know they're going to be into some fucking weird shit, and their lyrics will mostly be about eating babies, (homo)erotica, murder, or 99 red balloons.

    GOOD: Rammstein, a million random power metal bands, THE FUCKING Scorpions.
    BAD: basically everything else, also Doro is bad


    Finland


    Nightwish makes them the official home of Symphonic Metal. I've got nothing else here. OH WAIT, HUMPPA.


    Norway


    The unofficial home of exactly 50% of me, A SHITLOAD OF DEATH BLACK DOOM GOTH METAL, Roy "Jesusfreak" TUTANKHANATAT and Tristania. This makes them approximately 86% awesome.


    Sweden


    Sabaton and Pain of Salvation. Problem is, they are the home of ABBA (see above for the HORROR). WHAT DID WE DO TO YOU????? Also, the picture of ABBA on wikipedia makes them all look like schoolteachers. Which they probably are now.


    Japan


    It's at least amusing to see them try. And once in a great while, they hit the mark. See: Shiina Ringo, THE BACK HORN, and a couple others. Guitar Wolf FUCK YEAH


    Netherlands


    While symphonic metal seemingly originated from Finland (I don't really know), it has been fully embraced and developed by the Netherlands.

    GOOD-ish: Within Temptation, Epica, Delain, After Forever are all at least decent. The Gathering is fucking awesome. Furthermore, outside of the genre, you've got the Van Halen brothers, and...well...that's about it.
    BAD: Everything else tends to be garbage, because, let's face it, the Dutch language is like someone took the German language and punched it in the face. (no offense, but seriously, have you heard it?)


    India


    I don't know, seems to be a musical black hole, kinda like China. But the difference is that they have Daler Mehndi, who is a god among men.


    Australia


    While usually shitty, some pretty good hard rock bands have found their way out of the outback. Also, can't forget the band pictured above.


    Italy


    Lacuna Coil is the only band I can think of...and opera stuff (Three Tenors, Bocelli, etc)


    Ireland


    Thin Lizzy alone is enough to put them into consideration. U2 used to be decent, but they suck


    Canada


    The nation that hated the rest of the world enough to inflict us with Nickelback, Celine Dion, and Bryan Adams. Thanks, jerks. Some scumbags might argue "WAIT JERK BUT THEY GAVE US RUSH???" To those people, I say, RUSH FUCKING SUCKS, GO DIE OR I'LL TOTALLY KILL YOU. I'm not sure who started the shit about Rush being good, but I know that I hate them. I'm gonna go ahead and blame some Canadian immigrant. Probably Celine Dion. I guess I should state here for the record, that otherwise, Canada's pretty rad, and I'm totally moving there if the US continues their merry jaunt on the road to HELL. The only thing is, they can't make music worth one-half of a shit.

    GOOD: Arcade Fire, Steppenwolf, Metric (Toronto, which is basically the US anyway)
    BAD: Nickelback (perhaps you noticed that I hate them), The Guess Who, The Tragically Hip, Barenaked Ladies, and everything else


    Spain

    Note: The above may have absolutely nothing to do with spain.

    soccer and probably some opera I guess, also Enrique Iglesias. FUCK YOU TOO, SPAIN.


    Portugal

    Note: Yes, the above is what happened when someone combined Cristiano Ronaldo with Amy Lee. If you knew that just by looking at the picture, you're fucking weird.

    nothing is from Portugal, I don't think they listen to music, they just listen to soccer broadcasts. Plus it's basically Spain II: The Reckoning anyway.


    France


    Europeans probably know of some decent bands from France, but all I can think of is shitty french rap


    Belgium


    Awesome waffles and Magali Luyten. If you don't know who that is...well...you're 99.999999999999% of the world. BUT YOU'RE STILL WRONG.


    Mexico


    uh, Santana? That's all I've got.


    Switzerland

    Note: I don't think there's a picture making fun of Switzerland on the internet. So...yeah.

    something with yodeling, they're too busy being neutral, rich, and awesome to play music


    Brazil


    I can't think of a single band from there, which is kind of odd because there are approximately 3209582903859028385 brazilian people on the internet. I assume it's because they're too busy:

    1. Playing soccer
    2. Playing futebol
    3. Soccer again
    4. Hearting random (usually the worst) Nightwish songs in the Nightbox
    5. Lying on the beach
    6. Destroying the rainforest
    7. Unleashing their master plan to take over the rest of Latin America
    8. Doing something that no one else would understand because they're not Brazilian
    9. Even more soccer
    10. Something having to do with pirahnas
    11. Taking webcam shots of themselves minus shirt or pants
    12. At a soccer game combined with #11
    13. All of the above at the same time
    14. Being Heilig_Zorn


    (This is where I said something like THERE ARE TOO MANY COUNTRIES, FUCK IT)


    Argentina
    Marcelo Cabuli is the only person from Argentina. There's also that one chick on youtube that's pretty good.


    South Africa
    It seems like there should be something...but there isn't. Well, Seether is okay.


    Austria
    The home of classical music, and fucking Falco.


    New Zealand
    Flight of the Conchords.


    Denmark
    uh...Lars Ulrich? And Legos.


    Iceland
    Bjork and Sigur Ros (Icelandic letters require too much effort). Meh. See Switzerland for more information.


    Russia


    Tatu (or however it should be capitalized). Thanks, you fuckers.


    Turkey


    I don't know, but they're probably the future of music. Or the past. OTTOMAN EMPIRE FOREVER.



    So, the top two should be fairly clear unless you happen to be unfairly biased or a dirty son of a bitch. Or you just got distracted halfway through, like I did when I forgot about this for six months. But I've changed history, and SO CAN YOU. So who comes out on top?????

    Well, if we turn this into another American Revolution...this time...GOD SAVE THE QUEEN PLAYS ON A CONTINUOUS LOOP IN TIMES SQUARE, as the British nukes rain down on Texas...and the rest of the US doesn't give a shit.

    In review:

    1. Jolly ol' England/Scotland/Wales/Great Britain/holy fuck what the hell are we supposed to call you
    2. The United Corporations of North America
    3. East German Swimming Team
    4. The Vikings Will Return
    5. The Land Down Under
    6. ...Sweden (I've got nothing)
    7. Holland
    8. Humppaland
    9. あなたは私たちが9置くことによって、輝かしい日本を侮辱することを敢えて?あなたの頭は、スパイクを飾るものとします!
    10a. Land of awesome food which mostly contains curry
    10b. Green Drunken Island
    10c. All I can find is crap about the Mafia and soccer-land

    THE LEAGUE OF DISHONOR AWARD FOR THE COUNTRY THAT HATES THE WORLD: Canada

    BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME AWARD FOR THE COUNTRY I DIDN'T BOTHER TO CHECK: France, and to a lesser extent, every country in the world

    PROBABLY WOULD BE AMAZING WITH MORE PEOPLE AWARD FOR THE COUNTRY WITH THE MOST TALENT PER CAPITA: New Zealand

    TOO BUSY PLOTTING THEIR REVENGE ON THE WORLD AWARD FOR THE MOST MYSTERIOUSLY QUIET COUNTRY: Russia and China



    Next Time: Two possibilities.

    A. I eat sushi and drink something with vodka while you're forced to read my incoherent completely subjective obviously misguided ramblings about why I'm right and you're wrong, and I title it something totally pretentious like THE DEFINITIVE JERKJONES BIBLE OF EXCEEDINGLY EXCELLENT FORTITUDE VOLUME III
    B. IMAGINAERUM REVAEW.



    FUCK I FORGOT POLAND

    http://polanddownunder.ytmnd.com/