(pretend you didn’t see the title for the next few paragraphs)
I was totally going to do some kind of epic tribute to the Z.Wanky Snyder-Pants124 Crew and post it up in here. However, I then asked myself a world-changing fucking question: Do I really give enough of a shit about these motherfuckers to devote any more time to them? The answer, of course, is no.
So, what happens next?
Another chapter of something about Sami? I have writer’s block (this doesn't count), plus I think the author of the accompanying series pseudo-died or something (in the Jerktionary sense, anyway), and continuing onward with it (for now) is like cake without the frosting.
Another chapter of something about Marcelo? No one really cares anymore. (including me)
Things have been getting out of fucking control. So…it’s time for Jerk M. F. Jones to revisit his roots. Which, of course, is STRAIGHT OUTTA TOKYO MOTHERFUCKIN’ STRAIGHT UP REVIEWIN, YO. DAWG. WORD.
Here’s my live thought process as I consider the possible targets…
Delain: I don’t know. The prospect of listening to their entire album kind of makes me want to slam my head into the wall. I’m not sure why…I haven’t even heard ANYTHING from it yet.
Nickelback: As much as I’d like to properly praise His Kroegliness…no.
Regina Spektor: I quickly lost interest. You should get used to that happening.
Nemesea: I…maybe later. I think I already lost interest before even really listening to the whole thing.
Anneke van Giersbergen: Her new album, it’s bad. Review complete.
Devin Townsend: His dual-album thing that’s like a year old, it’s okay. Next.
Sugababes: As hilarious as that would inevitably be…well…it’s not really my style.
Imaginaerum (The Movie!): That shit’s never coming out. Deal with it. Or don’t, I’m a jerk on the internet, not a cop. Also, fuck Nightwish lol
Kamelot: Too slow. I blame Jimothy or whatever the fuck his name is.
FOR NO REASON AT ALL IT’S GON BE DELAIN (obviously)
Okay...well...maybe there's one good reason.
Even though nDroae has clearly failed to write a review that I can respond to in a hilarious fashion…I AM GOING FORTH WITHOUT HIM. I’ve listened to next to nothing by Delain. Preparation Complete. Motherfucking random Brazilian flag dude is spamming me. Let’s finish this before I get hacked…or whatever the Brazilian equivalent is. Something about soccer. No, not football. ‘MURICA.
(accompanied by random images from the most amazing imgur folder ever, also google)
1. Mother Machine
I misread this as Mammon Machine. If you get what I’m talking about, you’re a fucking winner.
Well…I obviously haven’t listened to much Delain before now, but the beginning of this sounds…different. I don’t really know how to explain it. I kind of blacked out or got distracted. RESTART.
Someone’s slamming doors or some shit. I’m ready for this to devolve into actual music…okay, there it is. This thing better not suck as much as the first minute. Good news: the whole thing doesn’t suck. Perhaps there’s hope for these jerks after all. I mean, it’s nothing exceptional, but it seems promising, I guess. Charlotte sounds a lot better than I remember…although it’s all kind of hazy because I only really listened to April Rain and I didn’t give one-half of a fuck at the time.
This doesn’t sound like electricity at all. FALSE FUCKING ADVERTISEMENT. This really is a lot better than anything I remember hearing from Delain before. And here I was, just expecting to completely rip this album a new one simply due to boredom. They’re attempting to show me up....but maybe I'll still hate it anyway out of spite. It’s like Within Temptation, but it has less of the “makes me want to hate myself for liking it” vibe. It’s a simple as fuck song, but then Charlotte grabs you by the balls or ladyparts and is like “LOOK HERE YOU LAST.FM FUCK THIS SHIT IS RAD AS HELL AND YOU’RE GONNA FUCKING LISTEN TO IT REPEATEDLY” in that sexy accent and you’re like uh…this.
You goddamn crafty NETHERLANDS.
Well, so much for my grand album bashing plans. I blame Ben Franklin.
3. We Are the Others
The entrance theme song for when the Others enter a scene on Game of Thrones. Well…that’s not at all what you were expecting. I mean…what I was expecting. This won’t work at all.
Okay, this could be hilarious…I’m totally making a youtube video for this. When I finish this, anyway. Okay, you're right, I probably won't. Just fucking imagine the part with all the Others at the end of season 2, set to the chorus of this. Somewhere, George R. R. Martin is weeping out of rage at my insolence.
FUCKING TUOMASFLUENCE ALERT toward the end. If you don’t know what I’m talking about…do some fucking homework okay thanks bye
4. Milk and Honey (Motherfuckers)
This title is totally better with my parenthesized addendum. Someone should mashup Delain with 2pac. MOVING ON. This sounds like some shit I heard recently…BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?????? This song sounds NOTHING LIKE MILK AND HONEY. How the shit are you going to name your darker-sounding track MILK AND FUCKING HONEY MOTHERFUCKERS alkgjdshafdshagtdejdg
See, it totally makes more sense with my addition to the title. But seriously though, this once again isn’t bad. Despite the blatant false advertisement, it’s right up there with the previous example.
5. Hit Me With Your Best Shot
PAT BENATAR 80’s LOL. Is this actually a cover?? If it is, Delain gains massive hilarity points. If not, they lose massive opportunity points. Annnnd…THE MOMENT OF TRUTH…it totally isn’t. FUCK YOU DELAIN. Okay I’m over it. That song sucks anyway.
I think Delain is slowly drifting into a weird fucking synthphonic operaticprostitution-influenced non-metal genre. Maybe they were already there, and I just wasn’t paying attention. I don’t know what the fuck is going on. Blood Stain Child and Amaranthe will welcome them to the void with open arms, though. This reminds me, I need to do a “WEIRDEST FUCKING BANDS IN THE UNIVERSE” journal. NOTED. FOR THE FUTURE.
As for the song…these motherfuckers better not be drifting into the RUBICON ZONE.
6. I Want You
And, here’s the mandatory slow track. Charlotte’s all like HAY GUYS I know Within Temptation and Epica are all everyone thinks about when they’re searching for dutch symphonic flower slightly-metal (WHO???) BUT I INSIST THAT YOU SEARCH FOR DELAIN TOO. And then the world’s like PROVE IT YOU CRAZY HOT FIRE-HAIRED LADY. AND DELAIN’S LIKE FINE FUCK YOU TOO.
Oh, wait, this really isn’t a slow track…I just realized with about two minutes left, now that I’m actually paying attention instead of trying to write some weird fucking shit. This is actually pretty good, I guess. They’re momentarily staving off complete destruction.
7. Where Is The Blood (feat. Burton C. Bell) (WHO????????????) (aka: Dude, Where’s My Blood?)
Oh, he’s from Fear Factory. Who gives a fuck?
BUT SERIOUSLY GUYS, WHERE DID I PUT THE FUCKING BLOOD. IF SOMEONE’S HIDING IT THIS IS NOT FUNNY. I’d think that someone named “Burton C. Bell” would invent a stage name that is better. For example:
ROY KHAN BELL
BELL BURTON (totally better for some reason)
DR. FEAR “FACTORY” BURTON
He could also throw a Z or X in there to instantly make it 400% better. Seriously, learn to have some fucking artistic insight, you fuck. Well…now that I’ve successfully not listened to this the first time around…I’ll come back to it.
Actually, okay, I think I’ve got it now (this is me rating the last minute of the song). BURTOC’s voice isn’t terrible, but I’d like to think they could have done better as far as the random ‘murican guest vocalist goes. Not too bad, I guess.
8. Generation Me
Catchy as shit.
KNOW MY NAME.
Did she just say fucking? Probably just the weird accent.
Here she is…so here she is!!!! SHE IS HERE. In case you were wondering, here I am.
Well…is it a guitar solo if you play like four notes and then some jerk hops in with a synthesizer?
Okay, your point is taken.
There are no long tracks on this album. I fucking hate that shit. Also I’m pretty sure most of these tracks were basically exact replicas of each other with Charlotte doing some different shit on them. And yet, it’s mostly worked up till…and including…now. Yes, I’m kind of hating myself again. Not quite on the level of hating myself for liking Amaranthe…but I’m still at the “doubt own taste in music” level. I don’t fucking know.
Oh, you were reading this for musical insight? You must be new here.
I liked the end. Shoot me.
10. Are You Done With Me
Restarting this shit because I was busy fucking around. This city…drinks our wars? WHAT?????
Maybe it was words, this accent fucks my mind. Maybe it’s cause I’m used to trying to decipher the Japanese accent instead. Which isn’t nearly as bad as the French accent. It's still brutal, though. I guess this song is okay…but it’s probably the worst song yet. I don’t really know why. I guess I’ve reached my breaking point.
11. Get the Devil Out of Me
Spiritual successor to “Take the Devil in Me”. In this one, they don’t really care if you end up with the devil, just as long as you get it from me initially. Heh…get it???? OHAKFSFISJkfssd MOVING ON…
In case you’re wondering, I was implying that the “it” you’ll be getting is sex. Yes, I am reaching.
OKAY SERIOUSLY I’M MOVING ON NOW.
World record set for titles with “Me” in them. If you include “We”…it’s five. FIVE OUT OF TWELVE. If you include I…then it’s half the tracks. Jesus Christ Delain (name of next album??? If so I claim producer credits), learn to not be so fucking self-centered. IS IT THE SLOW TRACK REQUIRED BY DUTCH LAW? No. They’re going to fucking Netherjail.
SHE'S NO JESUS CHRIST. BLASPHEMY.
But this actually sounds like it could be the badass track that is completely underappreciated, like Ghost River. Unless everyone’s freaking the fuck out about it already…I wouldn’t fucking know. I just spelled “know” as “now”…like four times in a row. FUCK YOU, EPICA124, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ENGLISH. Despite this track being short as fuck like everything else here, it’s pretty fucking rad. Rad enough to be close to the best track on the album…for some reason. THE END HAD THE IPHONE ALARM SHIT AND FREAKED THE FUCK OUT OF ME JESUS WHA T HE FUCK
12. Not Enough
Spiritual prequel to Jansenology’s notable single “Never Enough”. I hope some secret triple duel type situation emerges between Delain, Within Temptation, and Epica for domination of the Dutch fairy metal scene.
…fuck, the song’s over. The best part was the end.
TL;DR BECAUSE YOU’RE A JERK
2. Get the Devil Out Of Me
3. Milk and Honey
4. several others
5. that bad one
Jesus Christ Delain Superstar. Nothing world-endingly awesome (except possibly Electricity and GTDOOM, awesome acronym points gained btw) like the last five tracks of a certain indie synth pop rock album I recently “reviewed”, but this shit is fucking solid. I totally didn’t see this coming…and I might actually BUY this album.
Shocking, right? It’s the least that I can do, since I’ve had Electricity on repeat for like an hour, and I apologize for nothing. All you crazy fucking Delain fans, you’ve apparently been redeemed. Congratulations, I’m going to go shove some curry into my face and think of your glorious redemption (and you can’t stop me). This GIF’s for you. Fucking psychos.
Next Time: Something completely unexpected. Seriously.