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Tell us your best joke

 
    • Z1955 said...
    • User
    • 30 Nov 2009, 21:09
    I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic cop shouted to me, "Hey, what's your disability?" I said, "Tourette's, you fucking cunt!"

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  • A old man walks into a bar and sees theres a new bartender working. He goes up to the woman and asked how long shes been working here and whatever. Then he tells her he has this thing where he likes to sleep with the new bartenders, and shes okay with that. He also adds that he likes kinky sex, the bartender says okay.
    So they have sex - missionary, doggy style. He finishes and gets ready to leave. The bartender saids...I thought you said you like kinky sex - the old man saids yeah I took a shit in your purse.

  • "Doctor, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
    "That sounds like 'Tom Jones syndrome' "
    "Is it common?"
    "It's not unusual...."

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  • ^^ That's cute V... : )


    can't say much for the one above you

    Has our Autumn died...Help me find you again
  • Why did the elephant cross the street?

    Because the chicken was out sick :D

  • V1nc3ntK said:
    "Doctor, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
    "That sounds like 'Tom Jones syndrome' "
    "Is it common?"
    "It's not unusual...."


    Niiiice.

  • What did Batman say to Robin before getting into the car ?
    A: Robin, get into the car !

    How do you get holy water?
    A: You boil the hell out of it.

    • Bloopy said...
    • Forum Moderator
    • 1 Dec 2009, 05:51
    What's the difference between a golf ball and an SUV?
    Only the golf ball moves more than 300 yards when Tiger's driving.

  • Q: Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
    A: Cause she was a woman.

    Q; Why did Helen Keller only masturbate with her right hand?
    A: So she could moan with the left one.

    wah wah, bitches!

  • I saw this written on a bathroom stall once.
    "I suck cock for bus fare and then I walk home."

  • Two TV aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
    To be honest, the ceremony was rubbish.
    But the reception was brilliant.

    The Ancient DisOrder of the Last FM Round Table
    • [Deleted user] said...
    • User
    • 2 Dec 2009, 11:56
    A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

    'Jesus knows you're here.'

    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

    When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

    Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

    'Jesus is watching you.'

    Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

    Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
    'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

    'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

    The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

    'Moses,' replied the bird.

    'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

    'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

  • A man takes his Rottweiler, Jesus, to the vet.
    'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
    'Well', says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' .
    So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
    Finally, he says ' I'm going to have to put him down.'
    'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
    No, because he's really heavy'

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    • [Deleted user] said...
    • User
    • 2 Dec 2009, 16:28
    There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

    Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

    The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
    Employee.

    He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

    The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

    At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

    The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

    The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

    'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

    'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

  • A bloke arrives at a nightclub door and the bouncers say he can't come in without a tie.
    So he goes to the boot of his car and gets a pair of jump leads, wraps them around his neck and goes back to the doormen.
    "Can I come in now?' he says to the bouncers.
    'Yeah, but don't start anything''

    The Ancient DisOrder of the Last FM Round Table
    • [Deleted user] said...
    • User
    • 4 Dec 2009, 15:45
    3 men die on Christmas eve. At the gates St. Peter says, "You must have something that represents Christmas."
    The English guy takes a lighter out of his pocket , lights it and says, "This is a candle". Peter lets him pass.
    The Welsh guy roots around in his pockets, finds his key's, holds them up, shakes them and says, "This is the sound of the sleigh bell's"
    Again Peter opens the gates.
    The Irish guy pulls a G-string and bra from his pocket and shows them to Peter.
    "What in the name of all that is holy do you mean by this?" asked a shocked Peter.
    Paddy says, "There Carol's!"

  • Stevie Wonder was driving a car and police pulled him over, why?
    Because he's black.

    http://stravish.blogspot.com/
    lost in the kingdom of Narnia.
  • I had a great business plan.
    I was going to build bungalows for dwarves.
    There was only one tiny flaw ...

    The Ancient DisOrder of the Last FM Round Table
    • [Deleted user] said...
    • User
    • 4 Dec 2009, 17:13

    blonde bitch

    a blonde walks into the dry cleaners and turns her sweater in. as she was going out the door the lady shouted come again.the blonde turn and said no its toothpaste this time you nosey bitch.

  • Z1955 said:
    A barber I knew used to sweep up all the hair clippings and burn them out back of his shop.

    Two women were power walking down the street as some of the smoke blew across their path.

    "Smell that?" asked one, "Smells like burning hair."

    "Yes," said the other, "I think we'd better slow down."


    Funny. I think they were blond. Hehe.

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  • I've got no problem buying tampons. I'm a modern man.
    But apparently, they're not a "proper present".

    The Ancient DisOrder of the Last FM Round Table
  • I don't know if it's the cough syrup, but these jokes are fucking hilarious. I'm in tears. :')

    • [Deleted user] said...
    • User
    • 4 Dec 2009, 19:34
    A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, Polly has passed away.”
    The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure? I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
    The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
    The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably …dead.”
    He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150?!” she cried. “$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!”
    The vet shrugged. “If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, what did you expect?”

    • [Deleted user] said...
    • User
    • 4 Dec 2009, 19:57
    A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.They get back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
    There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
    There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
    She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.
    They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my child. She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He respond warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
    She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, Well, how was it?'
    The guy gently smiles at her, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
    'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

    • Z1955 said...
    • User
    • 4 Dec 2009, 20:04
    I was in a bar and told the following joke:

    What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?

    Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.

    Once the laughing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the bartender. The bartender came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologize. I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him.

    I wondered as to how a fit could actually kill someone and the man said that his son had slipped and hit his head and that was what had killed him. I asked where his son had slipped and the man said it was in the bath. Well, I realized then how inappropriate my joke had been in the circumstances.

    "Did your son hit his head on a faucet then?" I asked.

    "No," replied the man; "he choked on one of my socks".

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